


The Lost Years ** HAS BEEN REWRITTEN **

by JolijnBs



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Larry - Fandom, Larry Stylinson - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Children, Coma, Death, Fame, Gay, Happy Ending, M/M, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-02-11 14:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 77,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2071212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JolijnBs/pseuds/JolijnBs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>***************************************************</p><p>THIS FANFIC HAS BEEN REWRITTEN, YOU CAN FIND THE NEW VERSION HERE: http://archiveofourown.org/works/2954135/chapters/6529949</p><p>***************************************************</p><p>A story about love, lost friendships, and finding the courage to face the future. </p><p>Louis and Harry Styles had it all; a good marriage and two beautiful sons. Then one night destroyed it all. </p><p>Please take into consideration that English is not my first language so it might not always be perfect, but I do the best that I can.</p><p>Ps. My Twitter user is loubou28, so you can find me there if you want to :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

 

 

One

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

The distant ringing of a phone breaks the silence. When he opens one eye, he sees the sunlight shining through the curtains. He pushes himself up and rests on his left arm, reaching for his phone with his right. Rubbing his eyes, he presses the green button.

'Styles,' he answers. 'Yes. No change, then?' He sighs. 'Okay, thank you. You have a nice day as well.'

The phone locks with a clicking sound. His side of the bed is a mess. He slowly turns his head to look at the other side. The pillow looks like it's new, no traces of a head having been on it. The duvet is neatly tucked in on the side. Now sitting up straight, he turns his head a bit more to look at the nightstand. Next to the same looking lamp as the one standing on his nightstand, there is a brown notebook. The leather looks

weathered, the text and little drawings on it almost gone. There's a strand made of the same brown leather around it to keep it closed. He swallows, but then sits up a little straighter to look at the pen sitting behind the notebook. They're almost parallel to each other, but he sees that the pen has been moved slightly.

He gets up from the bed and walks over to the other side. With a gentle touch, he puts the pen back in its place. The pen is made of dark brown plastic, darker than the fabric of the notebook. He rests one fingertip on the leather cover and shivers.

A sound coming from across the hallway brings him back to reality, but he doesn't take his eyes off the notebook. He sighs before touching the notebook one more time and then searches the floor for the t-shirt he threw on it the night before. When he sees it in the right corner of the room, he walks over there to pick it up and puts it on. He rushes his hand through his hair while walking to the bedroom door. When he opens it, he hears the same sound, but this time a little more clearer. He follows the sound, walking past a closed door, which he refuses to look at. The door of the room where the sound is coming from is already open.

 

As he walks in, he takes in the sight. It's a big, light room with light brown carpet on the floor. The curtains are light blue, like most accents in the room. Right next to the door is a cabinet made of white painted wood. On top of it he sees laundry he put there the night before, but forgot to fold. When he looks to the left, he sees a big white wicker basket, with the word 'toys' written on it with light blue paint. He stares at some of the toys inside of it.

'Daddy!' He hears the happy voice coming from the little bed standing in front of him. Walking over to it, he sees the little boy lying in it, with his arms stretched upwards and a big smile on his face.

'Good morning, James,' he answers, trying to smile back. He reaches over to pick James up, who immediately grabs him.

'Good morning, daddy.'

'How did you sleep?' He cuddles him and ruffles his brown curls before putting him on the floor.

James rubs his eyes with his tiny little fists and says, 'Okay, I guess. I had a nightmare, though.'

'Again? Well, I guess that's no surprise,' he murmurs as he walks over to the cabinet to start folding the laundry.

'I guess...' James says, his voice a bit softer now. 'Daddy, can I ask you a question?'

'Of course,' he answers, but he doesn't turn away from the laundry.

'Is daddy coming home today?'

When he turns around, he sees that James is looking up to him with big green eyes. He swallows the lump in his throat.

'I don't know, James. Probably not.' He realizes that his answer sounds meaner that it was supposed to, but he can't change it.

'But you've been saying that for so long now...' The boy looks down at the floor and starts fidgeting with his pajama pants.

'I said I don't know, James,' he snaps at the little boy. Sighing, he walks over to the basket to look for a toy. He stops at the stuffed purple monkey and gives it to James. His tiny hands grab it and hold it close to his chest. He rests his chin on it.

'Daddy gave you that, do you remember?' James nods, even though he was way too young when he got it to remember. 'Why don't you play with it for a while and think of all the nice memories you have with daddy, okay?' James nods again. 'I'm going to make some breakfast and I'll come get you when it's finished.'

He rushes a hand through James' hair one more time before walking out of the room. When he turns around, he sees him sitting in the same spot and position, but now with the monkey pressed against his cheek. His eyes are closed and there's a sad smile on his beautiful little face.

Looking at James reminds him of another boy and he swallows before turning around and heading downstairs.

 

He opens the curtains and looks at their front yard. The flowers and plants need watering. It hasn't rained in ages and he's never been one for gardening. He crosses the living room and the dining room to the kitchen. It looks smaller than it really is because of all the dirty dishes and garbage covering most of the counters and the floor. He doesn't even really notice them anymore. When he opens one of the cabinets, he sees that there are no clean plates left. He sighs and grabs two from the counter. He opens the crane and holds one under the streaming water, rubbing it with a brush, but he pays no attention to it. Instead, he's looking at the beach through the window. He sees a couple playing in the surf with a dog. They look so happy. He grabs the other plate to clean it, but this time, he pays attention to the plate instead of the happy couple on the beach.

 

When he's finished baking pancakes and scrambled eggs, he walks upstairs to get James.

'Hey J-man, breakfast's– ' He freezes when he sees James holding a photograph. Trying to regain himself, he says with a faint smile, 'Breakfast's ready.' He grabs the photograph and puts it on the cabinet without looking at it.

'I miss him,' James suddenly says.

Those three little words hurt him. He's heard them so many times before but only in his head. Never out loud. And suddenly, they seem more real. He turns his head just far enough to see the photograph. The man in the picture looks exactly like the young boy wrapping his arms around his leg. He looks down and sees James pressing up against him. Bending over, he picks James up, pressing his little head against his shoulder.

'I know, little man. I miss him too.'

 

'What are we going to do today?' James asks with a happy voice.

They're sitting at the table on the porch, right opposite each other. There is a staircase attached to the porch that leads to the beach. He likes to go there sometimes to walk or run or just to sit and think. Usually at night, when it gets too quiet in the house. Not many people visit the beach at night, but at least there's the sound of the sea and the seagulls fighting over the food the visitors left behind that day.

'I'm not sure yet,' he answers. 'I think I'm going to get you something to play with, and then I'll go take a shower. I'll come up with something for us to do before I get you dressed. Is that alright?'

James nods. 'I want to play with my zoo animals.'

He knows James is hinting that he wants to go to the zoo, but he doesn't feel like going today, so he just smiles and gets up to take the plates inside.

When he walks back outside to get James, he stands still in the doorway to look at him talking to a seagull that's landed on the railing of the porch. He can't hear what James is saying, but decides to let him have a moment with the bird. When the seagull flies away, James is left behind looking a little sad. He walks up to him and takes him out of his chair.

'Where are my music instruments?' James asks.

'In the living room, why? I thought you wanted to play with your zoo animals.'

'No, I want to make music. Like daddy.'

 

The warm water feels nice on his body. Most people think a lot under the shower, but he tries to banish any thoughts from his mind, to numb the sound. There's enough stuff in the house to make him think. He stands there for a while, staring at the shower wall, but then picks up a washing cloth and starts rubbing his body with it. Watching the washing cloth slide over his tattoos, he tries not to think of the memories the ink carries, but his eyes stop at the little text on his right lower arm. He drops the washing cloth and puts his fingers on the letters. Closing his eyes, he feels himself drowning in sorrow.

 


	2. Chapter Two

 

 

Two

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

'W here can I find the bathroom?'

'One left, two right, and you'll find it on your right hand.'

'Thank you.'

He follows the man's instructions and indeed finds a door with a little man drawn on it on his right. He yawns as he walks in, looking at the floor. 

'Hi.' 

Looking up, he sees that he almost bumped into a boy who's on his way out. 

'Oops,' he says, smiling.

'Are you a contestant too?' the boy asks.

'I am. What's your name?' 

'I'm Harry, Harry Styles.' Harry holds out his hand.

He takes it, and says, 'I'm Louis.'

'Just Louis?' Harry laughs.

'Ehm no, Louis Tomlinson.' He realizes he's still holding Harry's hand and quickly lets it go. Because he can feel himself blushing, he looks down at his shoes.

'It's exciting, isn't it? Participating, I mean.' Harry tries to look into Louis' eyes, but he keeps looking in different directions.

'Yeah, it is.' Louis finally dares to look up again. This is the first time he sees that Harry's eyes are green. They're beautiful. 'Are you confident about today?'

'I guess I am. It all comes down to the m o ment you're actually singing, of course.' Harry smiles – it's a beautiful, kind smile, like there's no harm behind it. 

Louis realizes that Harry is a lot better at this kind of conversation. Louis usually turns everything into a joke, but for some reason he doesn't want to do that with Harry. He's making him nervous. Instead of speaking, he nods as a response. 

'Want to get out of the bathroom?' Harry notices that Louis is still looking him straight in the eyes and he can't help but look back. Those are the most beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen.

'Well, I still have to use it, of course, since I bumped into you before getting to a stall.' Louis finally manages to take his eyes off of Harry's, but is now staring at his hair. He has brown curls that Louis thinks are adorable. 

'Oh yeah, of course.' Harry smiles. 'I guess we'll see each other later, then. Bye.' He waves and then walks out of the door. Louis is pinned to the ground but smiles to himself. 

This is the day blue met green.

 

'Daddy!'

Louis realizes he's still standing in the shower. He has no idea how long he's been in there. His head is resting against the shower wall and his left hand is still on his right arm.  _The day that blue met green._ He looks down and slowly removes his hand to reveal his tattoo;  _Oops!_ He stares at it, but is interrupted by James' shouting.

'Daaaad!'

'In a minute.'

'Dahad!' 

'I said in a minute!' he shouts back. When James doesn't reply, Louis quickly washes his hair and then turns off the shower. He grabs a towel and walks out. After rubbing his head with it a couple of times, he looks in the mirror and accidentally drops the towel. He's a shade of what he used to be – his skin is almost gray and his cheeks are hollow, his eyes show no expression. It's clear that he hasn't shaved in days. Running his hand through his messy brown hair, he realizes it's grown way too long. He considers going to the hairdresser, but doesn't feel like it. Looking down at the sink cabinet, he thinks for a m o ment. Finally, he grabs the handle and slowly opens the drawer. He looks at the bandanas inside of it, slowly grabs one and considers wearing it to push his long hair back, but he can't. He gently puts it back in the drawer, making sure he doesn't move any of the other headbands. 

He picks the towel up off the floor and starts drying himself off. When he's finished, he uses it to dry the shower walls and floor as well. He then walks across the hallway to the bedroom and opens the closet. After putting on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt, he looks for his black pair of Vans shoes on the floor and puts them on as well. Realizing he didn't make the bed this morning, he walks over to his side. He pulls the duvet back in its place and shakes the pillow a couple of times before putting it back too. Instinctively, he walks over to the other side of the bed and does the same. 

 

'I thought you wanted to play with your music instruments.' Louis is surprised to find James sitting on the couch, doing nothing.

'I have, for a very long time.' James says in a whiny voice as he jumps up. 'So, what are we doing today?'

'I don't know, James.' He looks at the mess on the floor. 'You know, you could have put your instruments back in their place when you were done playing with them.' Louis grabs a wicker basket, a smaller version of the one in James' room, and walks over to the toys to put them in the basket.

'Daddy always wanted to play with me,' James says in a soft voice as he watches Louis.

'Yeah, well, that daddy isn't here to play with you anymore, is he?' When James doesn't answer, Louis turns around to look at him, and sees that he's on the edge of bursting into tears. Louis rushes his hand through his hair as he sits down on the couch. 

'Come here, sweetheart.' He holds out his hand to James, who hesitates but grabs it and joins Louis on the couch. Louis puts his arms around the boy and gently rubs his head, pressing him against his chest.

'I'm sorry,' Louis says after a while. 'I know you loved playing your instruments with daddy, and I know you miss him.' He swallows. 'So do I. Very much. And that's why it's not always easy for me to talk about him.' He pulls James back a little so that he can look at him. 'Do you understand that?'

James looks uncertain. 'But... we can't forget daddy.' 

Louis can feel his heart shatter. It feels like his heart was already broken into a thousand pieces and they just multiplied to a million. 

'We will never forget him.' He kisses James' forehead and hugs him again. James cries for about ten minutes, and when Louis feels that he has stopped, he releases him from his hug.

'Why don't you go upstairs and pick something you want to wear today, and I'll go call Uncle Niall?'

Hearing Niall's name puts a smile on James' face. He wipes the tears from his cheeks and nods. He jumps off of the couch and runs towards the staircase.

'No running on your socks, bud. You might slip,' Louis says, but James is already out of his sight. 

He grabs his phone and dials Niall's number. 

'Hi mate, it's me. Can you come over to watch James today? I can't do it, man...'

 

'Thank you for coming over on such short notice,' Louis says as he pours Niall a cup of coffee. 

'Any time, mate.' Niall follows Louis as he walks to the couch and puts down his cup. 'So, what's wrong?'

'I don't know how to do things with James.' Niall can see the desperation in Louis' eyes – he looks exhausted.

Apparently James heard Niall's voice, because he comes running down the stairs, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Louis shouts. 'What did I say about running on your socks, Jam?' But James pays no attention to him, running straight to Niall to hug him. 

'Uncle Niall!' he exclaims. He's always loved Niall. At first he thought his Irish accent was a little weird, but after a while he got used to it, and now he finds it hilarious. Just like he used to think it's weird that Niall dyes his brown hair blonde every few weeks. Once he got used to it, he admitted 'it matches his blue eyes'.

'Hey buddy.' Louis notices that Niall hugs him a little longer than usual. 

'Do you want to play with me?' James is so excited that he jumps from his one foot to the other.

'Later, okay?' Niall rushes his hand through James' mass of curls. 'Your father and I have some things we need to discuss. You can go play on the porch swing and I'll join you in a bit.' 

When James runs towards the back door, Louis shouts, 'Don't leave the porch, Jim Jam.' He knows he can trust James with that kind of stuff, but a parent can never be too careful. 

Niall takes a sip from his coffee and leans back to look at Louis. 'What do you mean, you don't know how to do things with James? I thought you were doing better.'

'I thought so too,' Louis says. 'But James has been talking about Harry a lot today and for some reason I can't deal with it.' Louis looks down at his hands so that he doesn't have to look at Niall.

'Have you visited Harry with James yet?' Niall asks.

'No.' Louis briefly looks at Niall but then looks down again, trying to escape his questioning gaze.

'Have you been visiting Harry by yourself, then?'

Louis waits to answer his question but eventually admits in a soft voice that he hasn't.

Niall sighs. 'How long has it been?'

'I don't know, a little over a month, I guess.'

The Irish lad thinks about this for a minute. He knows that there's no use in pushing Louis – if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't go. He's known his friend for too long to be wrong about something like that. 

'Why don't you ask Liam and Zayn to come over some time? They could –'

'Wait, what?' Louis interrupts him, finally looking Niall in the eye again. 'What good would that do?'

'Well, they're your friends,' Niall simply says.

'My friends? I haven't seen them in years.'

'I know, but –' 

'No buts.' The volume of Louis' speaking rises. 'They haven't even visited us since the accident. If they really were our friends, they would be here.' 

'Louis, you're the ones who decided to leave the band.' Niall throws his hands in the air. 'And you're the ones who decided to move to LA. You can't expect them to change their lives for you. That's unfair, man.' 

Niall tries to put his hand on Louis' shoulder, but Louis jumps up. 'That's unfair? You want to talk about unfair?' Louis can feel his eyes burning with anger. 'What is unfair is that they are only a plane ride away and I am stuck in this house with a child that I can't lo– ' Rubbing his eyes, he suddenly stops speaking, shocked by his own words. 

'Lou...' Niall stands up.

'Don't call me that,' Louis says and firmly points his finger at Niall. 

Niall puts his hand around Louis' and takes it down. He pulls his arm gently to make him sit down on the couch and Louis finally allows Niall to put an arm around his shoulders, and they sit like that for a while. 

'Louis,' Niall finally begins. 'You can't blame James for what happened to Harry. Or yourself, because I know you do.'

Louis looks Niall in the eye with the saddest eyes Niall has ever seen. 'It's not that simple,' he says in a tired voice. 'If I hadn't tried to save James, I could have saved Harry.'

'Then you would be sitting here feeling sorry about James.' Niall shrugs. 'You simply couldn't save both.'

'But what about William?' Louis asks. Niall doesn't have an answer to that. Louis looks up to the ceiling and sighs a few times before speaking again. 'I can't look at James without seeing William too.' He inhales deeply. 'They were Harry's, Niall. William had his hair and his eyes and James still does and I can't look at him.'

'They are yours too,' Niall simply says. Louis shuts his eyes but doesn't speak. 'I know how hard it's all been for you –' 

Louis frees himself from Niall's arm and looks at him. 'You know how hard it's been?' Louis shouts.

'Yes, I've been here all along,' Niall shouts back.

'I know you mean well, Niall.' Louis' voice is softer now, but there's a sarcastic undertone. 'But you can't possibly know how hard it's been. We weren't supposed to be in love.' Niall looks at his hands now, knowing where this is going. 'Everyone around us tried to stop us from being together. Even you, Ni.' They look each other in the eye. 'I know that you were trying to help us, but you must have known that you couldn't keep us apart. We finally had everything and then the accident happened.' 

Niall has no idea what to say. Louis is one of his best friends but he is right, Niall did try to stop them from being together and so did Liam and Zayn and he'd never really realized how lonely Louis and Harry must have felt. 

'Have you cried lately?' Niall finally asks.

'No, what's the use?'

'I don't know, it just doesn't seem right to keep everything inside.' When Louis doesn't answer, Niall adds, 'You have to hold on to hope.'

'There is no hope,' Louis says firmly, shaking his head. 

'Yes, there is.' Niall sits up straight and looks Louis in the eye. 'You had it. I don't know how or when you lost it.' He waits before continuing, trying to find the courage to say what he wants to say. 'It's like you've given up.'

'How could you say that?' Louis looks almost betrayed.

'How could you not see it?' Niall asks. 'You were so positive. You visited Harry every day and told everyone everything was going to be all right. It's like one day you woke up and decided not to do that anymore.'

Louis looks away but Niall keeps staring at him. 'When your positivity started to disappear, we stayed up night after night crying together. And now you're telling me you don't even cry anymore?' Niall rushes his hand through his blonde hair and sighs. 'You owe it to Harry to be sad, Louis. And you also owe it to Harry to be strong. He is the love of your life.' 

'I don't need you to tell me how much I love Harry.' Louis looks back at Niall. 'Loving him is all I do. Thinking about him is all I do.' Looking down at his wedding band, he moves it up and down his finger. 

'I know you do,' Niall says. 'But you've got to think about James too. He is too young to understand any of this and you've been acting like Harry is dead. You've taken his father from him.'

'No, the fire took his father from him,' Louis looks up at Niall. 'How is visiting Harry in the hospital going to help either one of us, hm?' When Niall doesn't answer, Louis says, 'I know that Harry is still alive. I don't need to see him lying in a hospital bed to remind myself.'

'Maybe you need to remind James. I can take him, if you want me to.'

Ignoring his offer, Louis asks, 'Have you been visiting Harry?' 

'I have,' Niall says. 'He's looking better, mate. His color is back, his hair is fuller. It's been five months.'

'I know how long it's been,' Louis sighs. 

'Have you been in William's room?' Niall asks carefully. 

'I can't go in there, Niall,' Louis looks at him with the saddest look on his face. His lower lip starts to tremble. 'I remember every detail. His little crib... His favorite bear isn't there because he was carrying it the day of the fire. His little clothes in the closet... I see it all the time, I just can't face it.'

'I know.' Niall rubs Louis' knee, trying to comfort him. It's been ages since they last talked about it and he sees how hard it is for Louis.

Suddenly, James is back in the room and asks, 'Daddy, Uncle Niall, will you please go to the beach with me?' 

'Sure, buddy,' Louis says with a sigh. Him and Niall get up and walk to the porch and down the stairs, following James. 

'Is it okay if I go looking for sea shells?' James asks. 'I'll give you the most beautiful one.' He smiles at Louis and he can't help but smile back. 'Go ahead, we'll be right here.'

Louis and Niall sit down in the sand in front of the stairs and watch James move a bit closer to the surf, squatting to search the sand. 

'I have been thinking about this a lot lately,' Niall starts, surprised that Louis doesn't try to interrupt him. 'And I honestly think it would be a good idea to have Zayn and Liam come over. We haven't been together as a group in so long. They don't even really know what happened to Harry, all they know is that he had an accident. Maybe you could finally explain to them why you guys left England so suddenly.'

'I don't know, Ni. I'm not sure they like us so much anymore.' Louis lets the sand run through his fingers.

'Are you kidding me? We used to be like brothers, that hasn't changed. I don't talk to them much anymore either, but I still love them and I know that I can still count on them, and so can you.'

'Yeah, but they have their families...' Louis says absently.

'Stop looking for excuses, Tommo. I'm sure they can come to LA for a week or so. I'll go call them, wait here.' Niall jumps up and brushes the sand off his white jeans as he walks up the stairs. 

Louis watches James playing in the surf. 'Don't go too far!' he shouts at him. He sees James shake his head, so he knows he heard him. Leaning back, he lets himself fall in the sand. He closes his eyes and sees Harry. He imagines him standing in the surf next to James, carrying William with one arm and using the other to wave at Louis. For the first time in what feels like an eternity, Louis allows himself to cry and he feels a tear running down his face, into his ear. He rubs it because it tickles and then wipes the traces of the tear off his face. To his surprise, it's a relief to finally cry again. It's not that he's never felt the urge to cry lately, he just did a good job at stopping it. He thought that maybe if he didn't allow the sadness to take him over, it would eventually leave him alone.

After a while he opens his eyes because I hears someone approaching, assuming it's Niall. When he sees that his assumption was correct, he sits up straight again and checks on James. He's still looking for sea shells. 

'They're coming,' Niall says when he sits down next to Louis. 'They'll be here the day after tomorrow.'

'How long are they staying?' Louis asks. 

'They don't know yet, however long you need them to.'

Louis smiles. Maybe Niall is right and he can count on them. 


	3. Chapter Three

 

 

Three

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

T wo days later, Louis and Niall find themselves at LAX waiting for their old friends to arrive. James is standing right next to Louis and is holding his daddy's hand. 'Are they here yet?' he asks.

'I don't know, buddy. They should be here soon.' Louis lets go of James' hand and picks him up so that he can see what is happening around them. 

The airport is crowded with people and it's hard to see who's arriving and who's just waiting. Louis feels a bit nervous, because he hasn't seen Liam and Zayn since his and Harry's wedding five years ago. It's weird to think how they used to spend every waking hour together and now he hasn't seen them in so long. He wonders if the vibe will be different, or that they will go straight back to how they always used to be. 

Niall isn't worried, though. For some reason he still feels the same connection he did back in the day. It hasn't been as long since he's last seen them as it has for Louis. Niall moved to LA just two years ago and before that, he used to visit Liam and Zayn once every two weeks. Niall still talks to them via texts, but Louis just stopped contacting them at some point. 

'Are you nervous to meet your uncles, Jamie?' Niall rubs James' shoulder.

'No, I'm sure they'll be fun. They're your friends and I like you both a lot.' 

Louis and Niall smile at each other. Maybe James is right and Louis shouldn't give it so much thought. 

'Is that them?' Louis looks in the direction Niall is pointing and is surprised by what he sees. Liam and Zayn still look the same – they look a bit older, of course, but apart from that, they don't look much different. Zayn is still incredibly handsome, with his black hair in a high quiff. His beard is a few days old, but knowing Zayn, that's on purpose, unlike Louis'. He's wearing a black t-shirt with the yellow Batman logo on it. The short sleeves allow his tattoos to be seen. Louis sees that he's added a few, but he can't tell what they are from this distance. Zayn's wearing black jeans with equally black leather boots. His backpack is casually hanging from his shoulder. 

Liam laughs and points at Niall and Louis when he spots them. He's wearing a dark gray hoodie, with the hood on his head. His blue jeans are a little wider than Zayn's skinny ones. The brown Timberland boots still look the same as the ones he used to wear during their time as a band. 

'There they are.' Louis points at his old friends and puts James on the floor, who immediately runs over to them. 

Liam picks him up and says something to him that Louis can't hear, but James laughs about it. 

'I guess this one is yours?' Liam says to Louis as he approaches him. Louis nods and smiles.

'How old are you now? You look like a man!' Liam pinches James' belly. He laughs when James puts three fingers in the air with a proud look on his face.

'He looks so much like Harry...' Zayn seems to be shocked by the sight of James. Louis nods again and clears his throat. Liam smiles faintly as he hands James over to Louis.

'Well, how was your flight?' Niall asks in an attempt to brighten the mood. 

'Oh, you know how it is,' Liam says. 'It was long, but it was okay. We had some time to catch up.'

'Yeah, it was okay,' Zayn says, but he still hasn't taken his eyes off of James. Louis reckons he's mostly looking at his brown curls.

'I see you still dye your hair blonde,' Liam says while laughing at Niall. 

'Ha-ha, yes, I do,' Niall says sarcastically. 'Why don't you go get your luggage and we'll meet you at the exit door?' Niall asks and smiles at both Liam and Zayn. As a response, they simply nod and turn around to go gather their belongings. 

Louis inhales deeply before kissing James on his forehead.

'I guess it's not easy for them to see James,' Niall says, looking at the boy. 'We have witnessed James growing up, gradually looking more and more like his father. The resemblance must be a shock for them.'

Nodding, Louis says, 'It still shocks me every time I look at him.' Niall throws his arm around his shoulders as they walk towards the exit door. 

 

'So, this is the infamous beach house,' Liam says as he drops his luggage on the floor in the hallway.

'This is it.' Louis puts James on the floor and watches him run off to get some toys. 

'It's beautiful,' Zayn says as he checks out the living room.

'Thank you. I think it's pretty obvious that Harry picked most of the furniture and decorations.' Louis smiles at the memory of Harry going to tens of stores to see what options they had. He wanted their house to be perfect, and it is.

'I'm glad you said it yourself. I guess Harry did all the cooking as well?' Liam asks as they enter the kitchen.

It's back to its former beauty, because Niall helped Louis clean up the mess the day before. It's a light kitchen, with off-white cabinets all around the room. There's a kitchen island in the middle, with a huge fruit basket on it. 

'Yeah, but James hasn't complained once about my cooking since –' Louis stops talking. 'Do you want to see upstairs? I'll show you your room and you can change your clothes, or whatever you want to do.'

Niall stays downstairs with James as the rest of the lads go up. They walk past a few photographs hanging on the wall, and Liam notices that Louis doesn't look at them once. Maybe because he's used to them being there, or maybe because it's too hard to see them. There are pictures of Louis and Harry together, and either one or both of them with the kids. Looking at them makes Liam sad, so he can't imagine how Louis must feel about them. 

'Here's the master bedroom and bathroom,' Louis says as he opens the door to his bedroom. 'This is where all the magic happens,' he says as a joke, and immediately wishes he hadn't. 

'I see you haven't reorganized Harry's stuff,' Zayn says, as he gently caresses the notebook sitting on the nightstand. 

Louis shakes his head. 'I haven't. Moving them seems too definitive.' 

He waits until Liam and Zayn walk out to close the door. They move further down the hallway and stop at the closed door next to his.

'This is...' Louis clears his throat before continuing. 'This was William's room.' No one says anything about it, so Louis moves along to James' room. 

'This is where Jamie sleeps.'

'I see he keeps a picture of Harry next to his bed,' Liam says in a soft voice. Not knowing how to respond, Louis simply nods, trying not to look at the photograph. 

'So, where do we sleep?' Zayn asks in a happy voice. Louis smiles at him with gratitude for changing the subject. 

They walk upstairs to the top floor. There's a room where they keep the washing machine and such, but the rest of the floor is open. There are two king size beds, two wardrobes and a sink. 

'You can use the bathroom downstairs,' Louis says as they explore the room. 

'Seems comfortable enough.' Liam smiles. 

'Good. Just go unpack and we'll see you downstairs in a bit.' Louis smiles back and turns around to make his way down the stairs. 

 

'What are we having for dinner, daddy?'

James is playing on the swing while Louis and Niall are drinking a glass of wine on the lounge set on the porch. 

'I was thinking we could fire up the grill,' Niall says before Louis can speak.

'Yeah, can we do that, daddy?' James jumps off the swing and runs over to his father, who laughs at the little boy. 'Sure we can, big boy.'

'Sweet!' James runs back to the swing.

'He seems awfully happy,' Niall notices after taking a sip of his wine.

'I guess he's just glad he's not alone with me anymore.' Louis readjusts his Ray Ban sunglasses before taking a sip. 'I haven't been very nice to him lately.'

Niall nods but doesn't respond. 

'So, what's the plan?' Liam emerges from the house. He is wearing a white vest, dark blue shorts, white flip flops and the same type of sunglasses as Louis. 

'We were just talking about firing up the grill,' Louis answers.

Nodding in agreement, Liam says, 'Sounds good. Do we have to go get some meat?' 

'You know what, Niall and I know the way around here. Why don't you get yourself a nice glass of wine and make yourself comfortable and we go to the supermarket,' Louis offers.

'Trying to postpone the interrogation?' Niall whispers as they stand up. 

Louis nods as he follows him to the door. 

 

'You know you're going to have to talk to them soon.'

Niall and Louis are making their way through the grocery store. They haven't talked much in the car, mostly about the groceries they need.

'Can you grab some vegetables?' Louis asks, ignoring Niall's statement.

'Louis, look at me.' Niall pauses his step and grabs Louis' shoulder to turn him around. 'You owe them some answers.'

'I don't owe them anything.' Louis shakes Niall's hand off his shoulder and starts walking again, pushing a cart. Niall follows him just so that he doesn't have to shout.

'They came all this way for you. They are here to help you,' Niall hisses. 

'I don't need any help,' Louis hisses back. 'I don't need your help, either, but I realize that I owe you some answers, not them.' 

'I don't need any answers, because I've been here while it was all happening.'

'Fine, then I don't owe anyone answers,' Louis says firmly.

'Okay, I give up, but be prepared to have this discussion with them when you get home.'

Niall grabs the shopping list from Louis' hand and starts collecting the things they need. Louis follows him with the cart in silence. 

 


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis explains to Liam and Zayn why they quit the band and left the UK.

 

 

Four

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

A fter they have dinner, Louis puts the dishes in the dishwasher. He's managed to keep the topic on Liam and Zayn so far. Liam is still married to his longtime love Sophia. He showed Louis pictures of their daughter, Melissa. She's two months younger than James, so they reckon the kids would get along. 

Zayn is still unmarried and childless. His girlfriend, Perrie, is busy with the reunion tour of her girl group Little Mix. Zayn said he will propose to her as soon as she returns. 

Niall made a joke about him still being single, but Louis knows how hard that actually is for him. He's had on and off relationships in the past, but he hasn't been on a date in months. He realizes it's selfish, but Louis is quite happy his friend is single. He tries to avoid seeing couples in public, but refusing to see Niall with a girl would be rude. 

As Louis puts another plate in the dishwasher, he realizes how little and how much has changed at the same time. During their time as a band, Liam was already dating Sophia, Zayn was dating Perrie, and Niall was single. The only difference is that Louis was with Harry. 

The plate slips through Louis' fingers as he looks at his wedding band. 'Dammit,' he murmurs.

'You all right, mate?' Liam walks through the kitchen door to check on Louis. 

'Yeah, fine.'

'James just asked us to set up a campfire, but I thought we should run it by you first.'

'Sure. Just grab some wood from under the porch, there should be enough,' Louis says. 'I'll come outside with some beers after I finish this.'

'Do you need some help cleaning up the shards?' 

Louis notices that Liam looks concerned, but ignores it. 'No, I got it.' 

When Liam walks out to tell James about the campfire, Louis opens the sink cabinet and grabs a dustpan. He squats down next to the shattered plate and starts sweeping it onto the pan. As he throws the remains of the plate in the garbage bin, he wishes he could do the same with the broken pieces inside his chest. 

 

Fifteen minutes later, Louis makes his way down the stairs to the beach. He's carrying five fleece blankets with his left arm, and a six pack of beer cans with his right. He puts the blankets on a chair, and the beer cans in the sand. 

Liam is using a stick to keep the fire going, even though the flames are already pretty high. James is sitting right beside him and pricks the sand with a shorter stick, pretending to help Liam. 

'Could you move back a bit, James?' Louis asks. 'You know how I feel about you being near fire.' He grabs a blanket and a can, and makes himself comfortable on one of the beach chairs, without losing sight of his son. A sigh of relief escapes his mouth when James does what he asked.

'I'm sorry, Lou,' Liam says as he looks up from the flames. 'I didn't realize the fire would make you uncomfortable.' 

'It's fine.' He sniffs. 'I would appreciate it if you didn't call me Lou, though.'

Niall grabs a beer and sits down as well. 'Yeah, I was wondering, why are you so sensitive about that? We always used to call you Lou.'

'I just am,' he says, closing the subject. 

Niall raises his eyebrows, but Zayn shakes his head, telling him to let it go. 

'It's because daddy always used to call him Lou,' James suddenly whispers. His voice is quiet, but loud enough for all of them to hear it. 

Louis opens his mouth to say something, but Niall speaks before he can. 'Do you want to grab a bucket and a shovel and build a sand castle with me, big boy?' Niall smiles at James.

James looks at Louis, and as soon as he nods, the boy runs away to get his tools. Niall walks off to find a place just far enough so they can't hear the conversation. 

'Tommo, could you tell us what happened?' Zayn asks while pulling up his blanket to right under his chin. 

'Well, as you know there's been an accident, and –' Louis starts. 'No, I don't mean the accident,' Zayn interrupts him. 'You never really explained why you moved to LA. You just left.'

Louis sighs – not because he's annoyed, but because he's trying to organize his thoughts.

'As you know,' he starts again. 'Our relationship has never been easy. Harry and I fell in love as soon as we met, but we couldn't be together. Or at least not in public. We used to sneak into each other's bedrooms when you were asleep, and sneak back out as soon as the sun started to rise. When we told you guys we were in love, we'd already been a couple for months. You were so worried about our management and our future, that you told us it was probably just a crush, but we knew better. I never doubted us, but everyone else's doubt got to Harry more than once. Time and time again I had to remind him of...' He stops to look for the right words. 'Us, I guess. I remember telling him about the day we met a thousand times. I'd tell him about the day green met blue, and one look at my eyes was enough to take him right back. All the while I was worried someday it wouldn't be.' 

He looks up at Zayn and Liam before continuing, and they both look so sad. Zayn's gaze is lost in the flames, and Liam stares at Louis. The latter clears his throat.

'One day we went to Modest!'s headquarters to talk to Will and we told him we wanted to come out as a couple. Will told us we weren't allowed to and that if we did so anyway, it would be considered as breaching our contract. We didn't want to leave the band. At the time, our success was growing by the minute. 

'After a while, the fans started to notice there was something going on between us and Modest! got worried. Even though a lot of our fans seemed to support our relationship, Will was afraid the majority would leave us if they found out we are gay. So, he came up with an idea. Modest! hired Eleanor to pretend to be my girlfriend – I'm sure you remember her. We went on loads and loads of dates and I tried my best to make it look like I was in love with her, I really did. But, no matter how hard we tried, the plan backfired. The fans noticed I wasn't as happy around Eleanor as I was around Harry, and they knew our relationship was fake. 

'That's when Will came up with a new plan, and it became unbearable. I had to continue to date Eleanor, and try harder to make it seem real, and at the same time, Harry and I weren't allowed to sit together in public anymore. We weren't allowed to fool around on stage, we weren't allowed to mention each other during interviews unless the interviewer asked us directly about the other person. More and more stories surfaced about Harry dating several women he'd never met in his life, all brought to the media by our own management. 

'I remember that you and the fans noticed how sad we were at the time. We rarely smiled anymore, but it was much worse than that. Harry cried himself to sleep almost every night, and I tried to comfort him, but there was little I could do. It wasn't so much that we couldn't show the world how much we loved each other. It was more that we didn't understand why we weren't allowed to be ourselves. I've always believed that one day we would be and that there was nothing wrong with being who we were, or are. But Harry was less confident and all of it ruined him. On top of not being able to be himself, he had to watch me kiss and hug Eleanor. He knew it didn't mean anything to me, but he wanted to be the one kissing my lips. 

'After trying to make it work for years, I think it was 2016 when they tried to force me to get engaged to Eleanor and we decided enough was enough. It wasn't just that we didn't want to fool everyone anymore, it was more that marriage would have lost it's magic for us if I'd married her. From the day I met Harry, I knew he was the only person I'd ever want to marry. It wouldn't have been the same if I'd been in a fake marriage before. We asked Will if it would still be considered termination if we came out publicly, and when he said it would be, we decided to do it anyway. Up until this day I am sorry we didn't warn you guys, and I know Harry is too, but we knew you would try to stop us, and we weren't strong enough to resist your pleading. Not anymore. So we told the world live on national TV that we are gay and that we'd been together. Harry had been crying and vomiting all day. I was relieved we would finally be free, but it didn't feel that way to him. He was afraid of what the world would think. We knew the announcement would mean the end of One Direction, and we were afraid of life after it. It was all we knew. You know how people say 'it's not an ending, it's just a beginning'? In this case it was both at the same time. It was the most beautiful of beginnings and the most terrible of endings. 

'You were  devastated when you heard the news. You were so angry... We didn't blame you, though. I know we killed your dreams right then and there, and I know how selfish you thought we were, but I hope you understand now. Our love had grown behind doors, and to finally watch it flourish was, and still is, the most terrifying but liberating m o ment of my life. 

'We tried to create a new life in England. We figured the media would calm down after a month or two, but they didn't. Our love still didn't have the freedom it deserved. Besides, we knew we wanted to get married someday, and even though same sex marriage was already legal in England at the time, we didn't want our wedding to take place in the country where our relationship had suffered so much. As you know, Harry has always loved Los Angeles. He used to go to Hollywood every chance he got during One Direction, so it was only natural we would live here if we ever decided to leave our motherland. We probably didn't give you the explanation you deserved at the time, I realize that now.'

Louis takes a sip of his beer as a sign that he is done talking. Liam and Zayn do the same to take it all in. 

'I am so sorry, mate.' Zayn looks up at Louis with a defeated look on his face. 'I knew it was hard for you at the time, but I never realized it was this bad. We were so  focused on the band...'

Louis simply nods. There isn't much else he expects Zayn to say. Their story isn't an easy concept to grasp. 

'I didn't even know you had tried to come out as a couple earlier in our career,' Liam says. 'We thought you had just one conversation with Will about it right before doing it.'

Louis shakes his head. 'No, that's why they threw in Eleanor.'

'Speaking of Eleanor,' Zayn says. 'Have you ever talked to her after it all came out?'

'I have, actually.' Louis looks at Zayn, Liam, and back to Zayn. 'Quite recently actually. She sent me flowers after she'd heard about Harry being in the hospital. The bouquet had one of those little cards tucked between the flowers. It said she was sorry for me, and it had her phone number scribbled on the back.'

'That's quite attentive of her.' Liam sounds surprised.

Louis nods again. 'It was. I didn't want to talk to her at first, though. I put the flowers in a vase and threw the card in a box with all the other cards Harry and I had received. Some telling Harry to get better, even though he couldn't read them, of course, and some telling me to stay strong. Anyway, I had this irrational notion that Eleanor was somehow to blame for all of this.' Louis laughs. 'She was part of our life back when our love was still undercover, of course. I figured that if she hadn't been there, it wouldn't have been so hard, and we wouldn't have had to move to LA eventually, and the accident wouldn't have happened. It took me about two weeks to realize that didn't make sense and that she wasn't to blame for any of it. So, I took the card out of the box and dialed her number.' Louis stops to take a sip from his drink.

'She must have been surprised,' Zayn laughs.

'She was,' Louis continues. 'At first we talked about how Harry was doing and such, but eventually she carefully said that she was sorry for how long it had taken for us to come out as a couple. She somehow felt responsible. I never thought I'd say this about her, but I have to admit that was really grand of her.'

'What did you say?' Liam rearranges the wood in the fire with the same stick he used before.

'I thanked her and told her she didn't have to feel responsible or guilty about anything.'

 

Niall reappears from the darkness, carrying James with both arms. They're both covered in sand, but James has a satisfied look on his face.

'I think this little monster is quite ready for bed,' Niall says laughing. His laugh always makes his Irish accent stand out even more.

Louis laughs back. 'I see that. Would you mind taking him, Ni? I think we have more to discuss.'

'Sure. I figure I should give him a bath first, or he'll drown in all the sand.' Niall tickles James' tummy, which causes the boy to laugh out loud. 

'Say goodnight to daddy.' Niall grabs James' hand and waves it at Louis. 

'Goodnight, daddy,' he says with a tender smile and tired eyes.

Louis gets up from his chair and walks over to Niall and James to give the latter a kiss. 

'Goodnight, sweetheart. I will check on you later.'

When Niall and James disappear in the house, Louis walks back to his chair and sits down again. He grabs his beer and takes a sip. 

'He seems to like the beach,' Liam says with a smile before he too takes a sip of his beer.

'He does. We used to make campfires all the time, Harry and I. Sometimes we'd have dinner on the beach. We'd set up a tent for the boys to play in while we'd drink wine and talk about the sea and the stars. After a while James and William would fall asleep and we'd carry them inside.'

Louis feels a rush of sadness coming over him. Liam and Zayn must feel it too, because the atmosphere changes.

'I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but where is William's body?' Liam asks carefully. 'Did you bury him?'

Louis shakes his head, but is silent for a while before speaking. 'About 85 percent of his skin was burnt. It felt wrong to me to bury him like that, so I had him cremated. He used to be so beautiful. I mean, of course he was, he was James' twin brother, and Harry's son.' He swallows back his tears. 'It didn't feel right to bury him so... damaged.

'What did you do with his ashes?' Zayn's voice sounds quiet, distant.

'They're in his room.' Louis looks up to the sky and blinks in an attempt to keep his tears from falling, but he fails. 'I figured I could scatter his ashes here on the beach, because he loved coming here, but I don't want to do that without consulting Harry.'

'I thought you hadn't been in his room since the accident,' Liam says, his voice echoing his surprise.

'I haven't.' Louis shakes his head and wipes the tears from his cheeks. 'After I picked up the urn at the crematory, I left it in the living room for days. Anne, Harry's mum, came over to watch James and she thought it was wrong to have the urn just lying around. She took it upstairs to his room. I believe she put it in his crib.'

'Do you talk to her a lot?' Liam stands up to get himself another blanket. The sadness is giving him chills. When he's back in his chair, he puts his feet on the chair and wraps the blankets tightly around him.

'No, not really. She doesn't understand me anymore, thinks I have given up on her son, because I haven't visited him in a while. She comes over from time to time to watch James, take him to the zoo and such, and whenever she's around she dusts William's room. I heard her talking to his urn once.' 

While Zayn gets up to grab another beer, he asks, 'How do you feel about her thinking you have given up on Harry?'

'I get why he thinks that, but it's not true. I think I have given up on myself more than on Harry.'

When Louis doesn't continue, Liam asks what he means. Louis inhales deeply before responding.

'The first two months after the accident, I used to visit Harry every day. At first even multiple times a day. After a while, my visits became less frequent, but I still visited him three or four times a week. One morning while I was getting ready to go to the hospital again, I realized that even though I had visited him so many times, it hadn't made a difference. Harry's situation was still as bad. I didn't lose hope for his recovery, I just lost the notion that I could help him.'

'I'm sure you helped him in some way,' Liam says. 'You're the person he loves the most, he's always felt safest in your presence. He must have felt you were there.'

Louis smiles faintly. 'Maybe.'

 

Niall comes walking down the stairs. He's put on a red hoodie to cover the black and white tank top he was wearing before and blue jeans have made place for gray sweatpants. 

'He fell asleep instantly,' he says as he walks up to the campfire. His beer is now lukewarm, so he opens a new one and sits down. 

'That little boy cheers me up so much,' he says with a broad smile. 'He is so full of life. I bet having him around somehow makes things slightly better for you.' Niall looks at Louis.

Smiling back, Louis says, 'Some days it does. You're right, his energy inspires me. It's just hard that he resembles Harry and William so much.'

They all nod and try to think of something to say, because they don't expect Louis to say anything more, but suddenly, he sits up a bit straighter and starts to speak again. 

'It's funny, I used to feel a bit left out, you know? Like I wasn't part of this family, because I don't have beautiful brown curls, and my eyes are blue instead of green.' He smiles at the memories. 'Sometimes I would just look at them, watch them as they would play together. Throw balls, play their tiny music instruments, just stroll down the beach or a park, it doesn't matter. Sometimes I would keep a bit of distance and watch them, and I would feel so proud. 'That beautiful man is my husband and those children are mine.'' He manages to keep a smile on his face, even though tears are streaming down his cheeks. Louis looks at his friends and sees that they can barely hold it together too. He chuckles and wipes a few tears from his cheek, just to feel them being replaced by new ones. 

'I can't even tell you what I love most about Harry. Of course his hair is a big part of his beauty, but it's much more than that. The crinkles by his eyes when he laughs, the dimples in his cheeks... He is one of those rare people that have their whole face light up when they laugh, you know? His entire mouth opens up and he almost looks like a happy monkey.'

They all laugh through their tears. 

'A very cute little monkey,' he adds. 'And his long skinny legs. God, I love those legs. Do you remember when he used to wear baggy jeans? You couldn't see how beautiful his legs really are because there was so much fabric, and I almost felt like they were my secret. When we got back to our house or a hotel and he took off his jeans, I would feel so proud.' He laughs but at the same time his lower lip starts to tremble uncontrollably. 'And that's just his legs.' He swallows before continuing. 'Of course I didn't mind when he started wearing incredibly tight jeans, though,' he jokes. Liam and Zayn look at each other and chuckle.

'And the tattoos,' Louis continues. 'I love every single one of them. Of course many of them are for me and I love him so much for not being afraid to show his love for me in such a visual way. Most of my tattoos are for him too and I know he feels the same way about them. When we weren't allowed to be together, they were our way of expressing our love for each other. We used to be afraid someday we would break up and we'd be stuck with all these silly drawings on our bodies that wouldn't mean anything anymore.' He stops to wrap his blanket around him a little tighter. 'But I think the fact that we got them in the first place shows that we never really believed we would ever be apart.

'Our sons were and are tiny duplicates of him and they show all the same and maybe even more beauty as their father. I might lose Harry soon and I've already lost William. James could be the last one with the original Styles look and watching him grow up will be very hard, because I am so afraid he will look just like Harry when he's older, too. Of course it would be a beautiful process to watch, but looking at him now already breaks my heart and I have a feeling it will only become worse.' 

He stops and drinks his beer while staring at the flames of the campfire dancing around each other.

Liam and Zayn have managed to stop crying, but Niall is still sobbing quietly. He's heard Louis talk about this so many times before, but it still makes him more emotional than anything else he can imagine. It's not so much picturing Harry that makes him sad, even though he sees every detail as Louis describes them, it's the way Louis speaks about Harry that touches him. Every word that Louis says about his husband carries so much love. Hearing him talk like that, makes Niall ache for love. He wants to feel the same way about someone as his best friend does for Harry, but at the same time it terrifies him. Loving a living object means you can lose them. Just like every word Louis has just spoken echoes his love for Harry, it also echoes his fear of losing him. Niall can barely imagine what will happen to Louis if Harry dies eventually, and he doesn't want to. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis takes a trip down memory lane.

 

 

Five

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

A fter drying their tears, they decide it's time to go to bed. It's gotten pretty late, and the sand has lost the warmth it stole from the sun during the day. 

Liam and Zayn still have lots of questions, they still don't know how the accident really happened, but they think it's better to ask them tomorrow. Louis seems to be incredibly tired, not just physically, but emotionally, and they don't want to push him too far. It amazes them how much he has already told them today, because Niall said it's hard to get Louis to talk about everything that's happened the past couple of months. 

Since Liam's been in charge of the campfire the entire night, he's the one who gets up to extinguish the flames. He grabs the bucket James and Niall used earlier to build their castle, and takes it to the sea to fill it with water. When he feels the salty substance gently embrace his toes, he squats down and watches the waves as they approach him. It's scary to watch them come nearer. During the day, the sea water looked almost friendly; blue and calm. Now that the sun's not here to shine her light on them, the waves look black and therefore more terrifying. He finds comfort in the fact that they can't reach him.

There's something he needs to get off his chest, but he doesn't feel like it's the right time to talk about it. Even though he was on a plane with Zayn for eleven hours, he didn't mention it. They came here for Louis and he needs to focus on that.

Apparently he's been sitting in the surf for quite some time, because Zayn shouts to ask if he's okay. 'Yeah, fine!' he shouts back. 

He looks at the sea one more time, fills the bucket with water, and starts his way back to the house. 

 

'Just go home, mate,' Louis says when Niall starts to help him gather the cans and blankets. 

'It's okay, I don't mind helping.' Niall grabs another blanket, but Louis puts his hand on his arm to stop him.

'Niall, I love you for being here for me these days, but go get some sleep. You look awful.' Louis shows a playful smile and Niall can't help but laugh. 

'Well, thanks, lad.' He hands the blankets over to Louis. 'Liam, Zayn, it's been great seeing you again.' Niall gives each one of them a short hug, ending with Louis. 'I'll see you tomorrow.' 

They each say their goodbyes and watch Niall disappear in the house. Liam empties the bucket above the fire, and the flames go out instantly. He walks off to grab the shovel, puts it in the bucket, and makes his way back. By the time he gets to the stairs, Louis and Zayn have finished gathering their stuff. 

'After you.' Liam stretches out his arm towards the house.

After Louis and Zayn make their way up the stairs, Liam follows them. He leaves the bucket on the porch and walks inside the house. Louis is waiting for him in the doorway and he closes the door as soon as they're all inside. 

Zayn throws the empty beer cans in the trash. 

'Where do you keep the blankets?' he asks.

Louis turns around. 'Just put them on a chair or the couch, please. We might need them again tomorrow. Is there anything I can do for you before you go to bed?' 

'Just promise us you'll get a good night's rest and don't worry too much.' Liam ruffles Louis' hair. 'Goodnight, mate.'

Louis smiles. 'Sweet dreams, lads.' 

Zayn pets Louis on the back. 'See you in the morning.'

When Louis is sure his friends are upstairs, he walks over to the fireplace and looks at the photograph hanging above the mantelpiece. It's a black and white photo from their wedding day. Harry's wearing a white tuxedo, combined with a silk black bow tie and a pocket square made of the same fabric. Louis' outfit's the same, but the colors are the other way around; a black tuxedo with white accessories. They're both wearing traditional black lacquer shoes. Harry's curls are combed back loosely, forming a sort of quiff on top of his head. Louis' hair is combed to the side. They're standing in front of a huge tree with beautiful white flowers. Louis is kissing Harry on his cheek, who exposes a huge smile that almost closes his eyes. 

Louis' avoided looking at the photograph for quite some time, but tonight he feels strong enough to face it. In the picture, Louis' hand is on Harry's chest. Louis rises his hand to cover the one in the photograph and touches the canvas gently. 

'Today was a good one,' he whispers tenderly. 'I just wish you could have been here.'

He stands there for a little while, with his hand still on the fabric. Finally, he lets his hand slide down and tucks both his hands in the pockets of his black skinnies. 

'Promise me we'll be like that again someday,' he says, barely audible. In stead of feeling the rush of sadness he's gotten so used to coming over him, his chest fills with warmth. He smiles at the photograph.

'Thank you.' 

 

Louis  makes his way upstairs, trying to make as little sound as possible. He carefully opens James' bedroom door and sneaks inside. The Winnie The Pooh night light in the outlet next to James' bed gives just enough light for the room to be visible. Louis walks over to his son's bed. He squats down beside it and watches his little boy. Louis figures he's dreaming, because he moves his arms and makes cute noises. He takes the nearest little arm in his one hand and rubs it with the other. James doesn't wake up, but visually calms down. He yawns and rolls over to where Louis is sitting. Louis gives James his arm back and watches as he brings his hand to his mouth and starts gently sucking his thumb. Louis smiles and then leans in to kiss his beautiful son's forehead and rub his cheek. Louis crosses the room back to the hall and smiles at James one more time. He then walks out and turns around to close the door just as carefully as he opened it. 

 

After brushing his teeth, taking off his shoes and clothes, and putting on a pair of sweats that used to be Harry's, Louis is finally in bed. He's lying on his side and tries not to focus on the laughter coming from upstairs. Liam and Zayn seem to be having fun and even though Louis has been sleeping alone for quite some time now, he's never felt more alone. 

He rolls on his back and stares at the ceiling, wondering what to do. Slowly memories of him and Harry having sex enter his mind – the feeling of Harry thrusting slowly inside him, the feeling of himself moving in Harry... He feels something stirring in his abdomen and trying to focus on the last time they slept together, he lets his right hand slide down his stomach, into his sweatpants and boxers. When his fingertips touch his penis, he pulls his hand back out. This doesn't feel right. He rushes his hand through his hair, and lets it rest on the back of his head. 

Suddenly, he remembers something and turns his head to the left, looking at Harry's nightstand. He throws the duvet to the side and gets up. With a little push, he turns on a lamp and then crosses the room to his husband's side of the bed and sits down. He turns his head and gently caresses the pillow. Directing his gaze back to the nightstand, he carefully opens the drawer. Inside he finds a couple of old diaries, a bottle of lubricant – which causes him to chuckle – and finally what he is looking for; a couple of rings and a necklace. 

After the accident, a nurse removed Harry's jewelry and gave them to Louis. He then put them in Harry's nightstand, and never looked at them again, until now. Louis takes one of the rings in his hand and studies it. It's a gold signet ring with a dashing letter S engraved in it. He puts it back in the drawer and picks up the necklace. The small gold chain has a hanger to it – a silver cross that symbolizes the crucifixion of Jesus. Louis drops it in his lap and finally takes Harry's wedding ring out of the drawer. It's a simple gold ring, just like the one on Louis' finger. He tilts it a bit so that he can see the inside.  _All your little things._ Louis squeezes his eyes shut and presses the ring against his lips. 

 

He sees himself getting down on one knee, holding a little black box in his hand. He was so nervous that his knee almost buckled as he lowered it to the floor, but one look at Harry's beautiful face made his knee and the rest of his body and soul strong again. Even though he'd just woken up, he looked incredibly handsome. He was wearing nothing but white boxer shorts and the jewelry he refused to take off. His hair was a beautiful mess. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, ready to get up, when he saw what Louis was doing. 

'Louis William Tomlinson, what are you doing?' Harry asked with big eyes.

Louis chuckled and felt his eyes burn. 

'Please, just sit down, there is something I want to tell you.'

When Harry nodded slowly, Louis cleared his throat.

'My dear Harry Edward Styles, or as I like to call you; Harold.' They both laughed nervously. 'I want to thank you for being who you are. And I want to thank you for taking a chance on me, because I know how incredibly hard this relationship has been for you. I want to thank you for never leaving me even when it seemed like the entire universe wanted you to.' The longer he talked, the more hoarse his voice became. His eyes never left Harry's, and he could see them fill with tears. He lifted up his free hand to hold Harry's.

'I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you in the past seven years that we have been together, and I find it quite impossible to believe I ever will. I love the way you laugh. I laugh how you have that one smile that you only use for me – the one you're giving me right now. You have no idea how much that smile means to me.' He stopped to kiss Harry's hand.

'I love how clumsy you are and I love that you don't care if you embarrass yourself. I love you for who you've been, I love you for who you are, and I love you for who you are yet to be. But above all, I love you. In our own words, I'm in love with you and all your little things. God, I'm so in love with you.' He wiped the tears from Harry's cheek, but didn't bother with his own.

'When I'm with you, I am whole. If you'd ever leave me, I wouldn't just be a half, I would be nothing. So, please, Harry, let me complete you like you complete me, and make me the happiest man on Earth by marrying me.'

He let go of Harry's hand and slowly moved it to the box. When he opened it, Harry brought both his hands to his mouth and stared at the ring inside. He then looked up at Louis again, seeing only a blurry version of the man he loved so much through his tears.

'First of all,' Harry said, his voice hoarse. 'I want you to know that you already complete me in the most absolute way. And second of all,' His words were barely intelligible through his uncontrollable sobs. 'Yes, I will definitely marry you.'

With shaky hands, Louis took the diamond ring out of the box and placed it on Harry's right ring finger. He then threw the empty box on the floor and climbed on top of his future husband, kissing him passionately.


	6. Chapter Six

 

 

Six

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

L ouis opens his eyes again. With a smile, he removes the ring from his lips and lowers it towards the necklace. He opens the chain at the close and pulls it through the ring. With a soft 'ping', the ring touches the hanger. He lets the necklace surround his neck and closes it. The material feels cold against his bare skin, but he doesn't mind it. 

He looks down at his left hand, and takes off his own wedding band. Just like he did with Harry's, he tilts it so that he can see the inscription.  _I will always be yours._ Because Harry had decided he wanted a line from Louis' proposal engraved in his ring, Louis did the same with a line from Harry's wedding vows, a week after the ceremony. Even though his mum thought they were a little short, Harry's vows were perfect to Louis. They were simple, but all he needed to hear.

 

_I love you._

_I am who I am because of you._

_You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've_

_ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future,_

_Every day we are together is the greatest day of my life._

_I will always be yours._

 

Harry didn't write them himself, because he didn't know how to choose the right words to express his love for Louis, so he used a quote from one of his favorite books,  _ The Notebook _ . He has read that novel multiple times during their relationship, and every time he reads that quote, he feels like they cover every feeling he reserves for Louis. So when he had to write his vows, those words immediately came to mind. 

 

Louis puts his ring back on his finger and crawls over the bed to his own side. After switching off the lamp, he slides under the duvet and rolls over on his left side, searching for Harry's pillow. When he finds it, he wraps his arms around it to hold it close to his chest and falls asleep instantly. 

 

When Louis goes downstairs the next morning, he finds Liam, Zayn and James sitting around the dining room table. 

'Hey!' Liam shows a broad smile as he pours himself some more cereal. 

'Good morning, lads,' Louis yawns, waving to Zayn. He walks over to his son and kisses him on the forehead, sitting down on the chair next to him. 'Good morning, sweetie.'

'Hi daddy,' James says with his mouth still half full of milk. 'Guess what? No nightmares!' 

Louis smiles lovingly. 'That's great, James. You know what else is great?' When James shakes his head, he continues. 'What's great is that I just spoke to grandma on the phone and she's taking you to the zoo today!'

'Really?' James jumps up from his chair, dropping his spoon on the floor in the process.

'Yes, really,' Louis laughs.

'I should get ready,' James says enthusiastically and runs off towards the stairs.

'For the millionth time, my dear boy, no running on your socks!' 

Zayn laughs. 'I don't think you will ever get that through to him.'

'Probably not.' Louis grabs a bowl and pours some cereal and milk in it. Meanwhile, Zayn stands up to put his and Liam's now empty bowls in the dishwasher. 

'Actually, could you sit down for another minute?' Louis asks with his mouth full. 'There is something I'd like to discuss with the two of you.'

Zayn nods and sits down. 'Sure, what is it?'

Louis swallows his cereal and wipes his mouth. 'Well, I was thinking you guys probably want to visit Harry while you're here.' He looks at Liam and Zayn to see their reactions. When they both nod, he continues. 'I thought that I should go with you.'

'Really?' Liam asks surprised. 'We wanted to ask you, but we weren't sure how you'd feel since you haven't visited him in so long. We didn't want to push you.'

'Yeah,' Zayn agrees.

'I know, but I was thinking about him last night, and having you here, I don't know, I just feel a bit better.' Louis takes a bite of his breakfast. 'I feel like it's time to face him again.' 

Liam walks around the table and puts his hand on the older lad's shoulder. 'I'm proud of you, mate.'

When the doorbell rings, Louis jumps up and wipes his mouth again. 'That should be Anne. Could be awkward if one of you suddenly opened the door.'

He crosses the living room to the hall and shouts up the stairs, 'You almost ready, Jim Jam? Grandma's here.'

When he opens the door, he indeed finds Harry's mother waiting on his doormat. She's very good looking for her age, with her long brown hair. She has a beautiful smile, just like her son, but her upper lip is straight, where Harry's curls at the sides. Even though her appearance hasn't changed much over the years, it's obvious that Harry's accident has taken its toll on her, making her look a little older. 

'Good morning, Anne.' Louis smiles at his mother-in-law. She might not understand his ways, but he has nothing against her. 

She nods. 'Louis.'

When Anne walks past Louis to enter the living room, he grabs her arm. 'There is something I should tell you before you go any further.'

'What is it?' She looks annoyed and let's her handbag slide from her shoulder to leave it hanging on her forearm. 

'Liam and Zayn are here,' Louis says with a smile. 'Niall thought it would be a good idea to have them come over. They arrived yesterday.'

'Liam and Zayn?' she repeats with a surprised look on her face. 'Where exactly are they?' She pokes her head through the doorway to look for them. 

'They are in the kitchen, we're having breakfast.' Louis holds up his hand in the direction of the kitchen. 'They'll be happy to see you.' 

He calls James one more time, and then follows Anne to the kitchen. 

'Boys!' she shouts and opens her arms. Zayn and Liam jump up and hug her one at a time. 

'What are you doing here?' Anne drops her handbag on the floor and sits down at the dining room table.

After Louis sits down as well and starts eating his cereal again, Liam and Zayn follow their example. 

'Niall called us a couple of days ago,' Liam starts. 'He figured Louis could use our support.'

Anne gazes at Louis with an almost suspicious look.

'Grandma!' James enters the living room, again running on his socks.

'James.' Anne opens her arms once more and James flies into them. 

'Did daddy tell you I'm taking you to the zoo today?'

James nods enthusiastically.

'I see you haven't finished your cereal yet,' Louis says, who's just finished his own. He pulls out a chair for James to sit on and hands him his bowl. 

'So where is Niall?' Anne continues their conversation. 

'At home,' Louis answers. 'He'll probably stop by later.'

Anne nods. 'Do you boys have any plans for today?'

Louis, Liam and Zayn smile when she says 'boys'. She always used to call them that back when they were in One Direction. It makes them feel like not a day has passed.

'Actually,' Liam says carefully. 'We were thinking of visiting Harry.' When she nods understandingly, he adds; 'The three of us.'

Anne's eyebrows raise and she looks at Louis. 'You too?' When he confirms with a nod, she says sarcastically, 'What, you suddenly feel the need to see him?' 

'Anne –' he starts.

'No, I mean it. You haven't visited him in what, six weeks?'

'I know.' Louis puts one feet on his chair and wraps his arms around his knee. 'I guess I just had some thinking to do and last night I realized it's time to face him again. Liam and Zayn want to visit him anyway, so I don't have to do it by myself.'

Anne sniffs at him. 'You didn't have to go alone anyway, you could have gone with me or Niall, he still visits Harry at least once a week.'

'I understand where you're coming from,' Liam suddenly says to Anne. 'But maybe you should just be happy that he wants to go. I don't even want to pretend to know what you must be going through as Harry's mother, but Louis' told us part of how he feels last night and I understand why it has been too hard for him to do it. He just needed some time and apparently he's ready now, that's a good thing.'

Louis smiles at Liam, grateful for saying everything that he was thinking, but it doesn't seem to satisfy Anne.

'It's noble of you to stick up for your friend, Liam, but I have to stick up for my son and Louis has abandoned him in the past month and a half.' Louis opens his mouth, but closes it when Anne continues speaking. 'It's great that he has his mind straight again, but he can't just walk out of Harry's life when things get hard and then walk back in when he feels like it. He has forsaken his responsibility as his husband and –'

Louis puts his foot on the floor and sits up a bit straighter. 'I'd be happy to discuss this with you sometime, but I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about me like I'm not here.' He looks at Anne with a straight face. 'And certainly not in front of my son.' 

Anne turns her face to James, who's staring at the now empty bowl in front of him. Zayn puts his arm around the boy's narrow shoulders.

'I'm sorry, James,' she says.

'Are you all set, boy?' Louis says to his son with a forced smile. 'I think it's time for the zoo.'

James seems to forget the uncomfortable conversation and lights up. 'I'm all set,' he says, smiling back at his father. 

Anne gets up and leans down to grab her handbag. 'Let's go, sweetie.' James gets up as well and takes Anne's hands. Together they start making their way to the hallway, but Anne suddenly stops.

'If you do stop by the hospital today,' she says to Louis. 'Could you please send him my love?'

'You should do it yourself. I'm sure you'll visit him soon enough.' 

Anne hears the sarcasm in his voice and decides not to respond. Instead, she looks at Liam and Zayn. 'It was nice seeing you.' She fakes a smile. 'Perhaps I'll see you again when I bring James back home.'

Louis follows them to the hallway and helps James put on his child sized Converse shoes.

'Have a nice day, J-man.' Louis ruffles James' hair, causing him to giggle. 

'You too, daddy.' James grabs Anne's hand again, and when she turns towards the door without saying anything to Louis, he gives it a little pull. 

She clears her throat, but looks up at Louis. 'Bye, Louis.'

'Bye, Anne.' 

 

In the meantime, Liam has started putting everything they used during breakfast back in the cabinets and the dishwasher. It's full, so he decides to turn it on.

Louis enters the living room and follows Zayn's example, who is sitting in one of the armchairs. 

'That was rough,' Zayn says.

Shrugging, Louis says, 'I don't really blame her, she can say to me what she wants. Like I said, I just don't want it in front of James. He shouldn't have to witness his father and grandmother arguing about his other father.'

Liam crosses the living room and puts three glasses of water on the coffee table, before getting comfortable on the couch. 

'Maybe we should get ready to go to the hospital,' Louis says. 'Visiting hours start at eleven.' He takes a sip from one of the glasses and gets up, but sits back down when Liam says, 'Well... we were hoping you would tell us about the accident before we go.' His voice is cautious and he doesn't look Louis straight in the eye. 

Louis nods slowly and clears his throat. 'I see. As you know it happened at night in late November. Even though it rarely gets cold here, it's not exactly warm either. We had a, what do you call it, a block party? You know, with all the neighbors. Because we all live at the beach, we decided to set up a huge tent on it. It was like those tents you see at festivals, or maybe even local circuses, but a bit smaller.' He stops to drink his water. 

'There were all kinds of things inside – a couple of barbecues, a DJ-booth, an improvised dance floor, and some fire pits. Harry was dancing with William on the dance floor in the middle of the tent, while James and I were getting food at one of the barbecues, so we were closer to the exit. To this day, we're not sure what happened. Maybe one of the fire pits toppled, could be one of the barbecues. Anyway, somehow a fire started and made its way up one of the sides of the tent.

'At first, barely anyone noticed because we were all busy with something and the music was loud. But at some point, everyone started to panic. James and William were little boys of course, a bit shorter than James is now, so I lost sight of James. People were running, pushing other people away. He found me and clung to my leg. I picked him up and ran out of the tent. When I found neighbors I knew well enough to trust with my son, I told him to stay with them so that I could go look for Harry and William.

'I wasn't even close to the tent yet when it collapsed. My knees buckled at the sight and I fell down in the sand. But then I realized that I didn't even know where Harry and William were, so I got up and started searching the beach for them. After walking around for what felt like an eternity, I saw them. 

'Someone had dragged them out from under the tent, along with some other people. William was lying on his back, but no one bothered with him, so I knew, or at least suspected that he was dead.' A tear escapes his eye from the memory. Liam covers his mouth with his hand, and Zayn walks off to refill their glasses. Louis waits until he's back before he continues. Their glasses weren't even empty, so he assumes Zayn just had to get away from the emotions.

'Even from a distance I could see that most of William's little body was burnt. His clothes were torn and his skin blackened. There was one woman sitting at his side, crying uncontrollably. Harry, though, was lying on his stomach and there were four or five people bend over him, checking his pulse, making sure his tongue was out, stuff like that. When I reached him, I told them to turn him over, because I thought he would inhale the sand. They told me they couldn't turn him over, because they thought his back was broken. My knees buckled again. Then some guy I didn't know said that Harry couldn't inhale the sand, because he wasn't breathing.'

He takes a sip from his water and rushes his hand through his hair. After putting his glass down, he pulls his legs on the chair and wraps his arms around them, resting his head on one knee.

'Oh Louis,' Liam says with trembling lips and watery eyes. 'That's terrible.'

Louis nods. 'I can't remember what happened after that. I think I started crying hysterically, probably throwing sand, I don't know. The paramedics got Harry to breathe again when we were still on the beach. They put him and William in the ambulance and we were rushed to the hospital. I remember them telling me that William was indeed dead. They knew as soon as they arrived at the beach, of course, but they didn't want to tell me until we were at the hospital. There were lots of other people hurt or in danger at the beach, and they thought me going crazy over my dead son wouldn't exactly calm them down. Besides, they wanted to be able to put me on a bed in case I fainted, which wasn't possible in the ambulance, because there were only two stretchers. 

'Like I said, about 85 percent of his skin was burnt, but it was the smoke that killed him. I guess that's a good thing, because there's a good chance he was already unconscious when the flames touched him. The doctors told me it had probably felt like falling asleep. That's a somewhat comforting thought. 

'They took their time examining Harry. The man that had dragged them out of the tent told me that Harry was moving towards William, who was already unconscious, when he passed out as well. Most likely because he had inhaled too much smoke too. He was lying right under some of the pipes supporting the tent. They landed right on top of him. One broke his back and another hit his head pretty hard. The doctors told me we were lucky his skull wasn't fractured.'

He sighs deeply and wipes the tears from his cheeks.

'They actually put him in a coma on purpose, to give his body enough rest for his back to heal, I think, but it was only supposed to be for a little while. He hasn't woken up.' His voice cracks and more tears start to fall from his eyes. 

Zayn wipes a single tear from his cheek. 'I'm afraid to ask but... You know, because his back was broken... Do they know what he will be like if he wakes up?' 

Liam looks at him in shock. He's wondering the same, but he didn't expect Zayn to have the courage to ask. 

'No,' Louis says with a sad face. 'They don't. I don't want to go into detail, because I probably won't explain it right, anyway. His back isn't broken anymore, of course, it's healed, but they can't know the outcome until he wakes up.'

'Do they have any idea when that will be?' Liam asks.

'Unfortunately not. Could be today, could be in a year, could be never.'

They all stare at the coffee table. Louis puts his feet back on the floor and rests his elbows on his upper legs.

'There is something I've never said out loud, because I'm quite ashamed of it,' he says in a quiet voice.

'What is it?' Zayn asks.

'I'm actually more afraid of what will happen if he wakes up than if he doesn't. James and I have gotten used to not having him around. What if he wakes up paralyzed? He won't be able to play with James anymore, he won't be able to make music, we won't be able to be intimate...' Louis stares at his intertwined hands.

'There are a thousand ways to be intimate without touching each other,' Liam says in an attempt to comfort Louis.

'I know, but nothing will be the same.' Louis looks up at Liam. 'I'm a 32 year old man with a dead son and my husband is in a coma. Harry doesn't even know William is dead...'

Not knowing what else to say, they stay quiet until Zayn suddenly asks, 'You said something about a ceremony. What was it like?' 

'It was a small gathering at the church. I had only invited our parents and siblings. Niall was there too. I'd considered inviting you as well, but it had been so long since we'd last seen you and you didn't know William.'

'That's okay. So Harry's mum moved out here, does yours still live in England?'

'Yes, Anne, Robin and Gemma flew out here a couple of days after the accident. Robin has been flying back and forth, but Anne and Gemma have been here ever since. I don't know if they'll stay here even if Harry recovers. My mum visits me sometimes and she was here for the first two weeks, but she has to be in England for my little brother and sisters. Some of them are still in school.'

'I don't know how that works,' Liam says. 'But have you informed the woman who gave birth to James and William?'

'I have,' Louis replies. 'We talked to her quite a lot while she was pregnant, but not afterward. We got in touch with her through a surrogate program, so we didn't know her apart from the pregnancy. I sent her a letter to explain what had happened to William. She sent me flowers with a little card that said she appreciated me letting her know, and her condolences, of course.' 

'That's nice of her,' Liam says with a smile.

'Yeah.' Louis laughs and says, 'Actually, the note also said that she is available if we ever want another child.'

Zayn laughs too. 'Wow. Have you considered it?' 

'Of course I have. I mean, Harry and I used to talk about having another baby, anyway, so it wouldn't be like we are replacing William, which is impossible. But I wouldn't want to raise one on my own, only if I get to do it with Harry.'

'I hope it works out, would be beautiful,' Zayn says.

'So, what do you say?' Liam is the first one to get up off the couch. 'Let's get ready.'


	7. Chapter Seven

 

 

Seven

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

T he bathroom is filled with steam by the time Louis steps out of the shower. He grabs a towel that's hanging from the heater on the wall. The water from his hair splashes on his shoulders as he rushes the towel through it. He then wraps it around his hips and walks over to the sink. Due to the steam, the mirror doesn't show his reflection. He wipes some of it off with his hand and leans on the sink as he stares at himself. 

'I can't visit Harry looking like this,' he says quietly. 

He opens the cabinet standing next to the sink and picks up a razor and shaving foam. After putting the razor on the sink, and removing the cap of the bottle, he gently puts some foam on his cheeks and chin. The short hairs tickle his fingertips as he spreads it. He carefully shaves them off and washes his face.

'Better.'

When he's finished drying himself and the shower off, he uses some product to style his hair. He couldn't be bothered for weeks, and he is surprised by the result. His cheeks are still hollow and his skin is still a light shade of gray, but he looks somewhat like his old self. 

He enters his bedroom and makes the bed. This time making Harry's side as well isn't just routine. He then walks over to the closet and puts on a pair of boxers, followed by the usual pair of black skinny jeans. In stead of wearing one of the usual black t-shirts as well, he decides to put on a white baseball tee with red sleeves. That shirt holds lots of memories that he no longer has to escape. To complete his outfit, he throws on his black Vans shoes. He looks at himself and for the first time in forever, smiles at his reflection. 

 

'I'm actually quite nervous,' Zayn says when they enter the hospital. 

'Can't blame you,' Louis responds. 'I'm quite nervous myself.' He carries the flowers he bought on their way to the hospital. 

'I'm not, to be honest,' Liam jumps in. 'I just feel like I'm going to visit my old friend Harry.' 

Louis smiles. 'He should still be in the same room so I guess we'll just go upstairs.'

Liam and Zayn follow their friend in silence. Zayn wonders why hospitals always smell so weird, just like old people's homes. 

When they step into the elevator, there's a doctor already in there, who Louis doesn't recognize immediately, but she recognizes him. 'Mister Styles, right?' she asks with a broad smile on her face. 

Louis turns his head to look at her and smiles back. 'Good morning, Doctor Sawyer.' They shake hands. 'Call me Louis, please.'

She looks like she's in her late forties. Her blonde hair barely reaches her shoulders and hangs loosely around her face. She has light blue eyes, behind classic black glasses. Louis notices she barely has any makeup on, maybe just some mascara because she probably has very light eyelashes, judging by the color of her hair. Her lab coat seems a little too big for her, but it somehow looks good on her. 

'Louis.' She lowers her hand and switches her file folder from her left hand to her right. 'I believe it's been a while since your last visit, hasn't it?'

'Yes, a couple of weeks, actually. I needed some time for myself.' 

When Liam clears his throat, Louis realizes he hasn't introduced him and Zayn to the doctor and vice versa.

'These are my friends, Liam and Zayn. They were in the band with us, as you might remember. This is Harry's doctor, Doctor Sawyer.' 

'Is this your first time visiting Harry?' 

'Yes, actually,' Liam says. 'We live in England, so we can't just stop by.' 

'I see.' She smiles again. 'I'm sure Harry is happy you're here.' She speaks to Liam and Zayn, but shows Louis a sneaky wink. He's always liked her, and now he remembers why. 

'Well, this is Mister Styles' floor,' she says enthusiastically. 'Do you want me to go with you, or will you be fine on your own?' 

They step out of the elevator. 

'A nurse called a couple of days ago and told me nothing's changed, so I guess I know everything there is to know.' 

'Good. You have my phone number, in case you have questions, or anything. I'll be in my office.' She smiles one more time, turns around and walks away. 

'She's nice,' Zayn says. 

'Yeah, and a good doctor, too.' 

Looking around the hallway, Liam asks, 'Which room is Harry's?'

'That one there.' Louis points to a door. There is a sign in the card holder on the wall with Harry's name on it. 'Would it be okay if I go in by myself first?' Louis asks carefully. 'Because I haven't seen him in a while, and stuff.'

'Of course,' Liam says without hesitation. 'Take all the time you need, we'll be right here.' 

'Thank you.' 

Louis nervously pulls his t-shirt down as he walks towards the door. When he puts his hand on the door handle, he turns around to look at Liam and Zayn. The latter sends him a thumbs up and a smile. He turns back to the door, and pushes the handle down. 

When the door opens, he sneaks inside and closes it carefully. Because Harry looks like he's just asleep, Louis feels like he'll wake him up if he makes too much noise. It doesn't make sense, because Harry isn't just asleep and all Louis wants is for him to wake up. 

Right next to the door is a sink. He opens the cabinet under it to take out a glass vase and fills it with water. After removing the paper and rubber band that were holding the flowers together, he puts them in the vase. 

He looks at all the cards hanging on the pin-up board above Harry's bed. Because he recognizes almost all of the cards, he assumes that most people have stopped writing. At first he feels a rush of anger flowing through his veins, because he feels like people have forgotten about Harry, but then he realizes it's almost the same as him not visiting for so long. 

After staring at the cards for a while, he lowers his head and looks straight at Harry. Niall was right; Harry does look a bit better than when Louis last saw him. His hair is longer, but it's also fuller. The wavy strings that covered his pillow before have made place for his beautiful curls. He notices that Harry was recently shaved and for a second he wonders whose task that is, but he figures a nurse did it. 

Images of how Harry looked right after the accident enter his mind. His expression wasn't as peaceful as it is now – instead his face showed pain. There were lots of tubes and machines. Now there is just one to monitor his heart. It shows a calm beat. A tube feeds him through his nose. 

Louis crosses the room to the window where the chairs are and he pulls one closer to the bed. He puts the vase with the flowers on the nightstand and rearranges them a bit. Before sitting down, he bends forward to kiss his husband's forehead. He gently rushes his hand through Harry's hair and buries his nose in it to take in his scent. It hasn't changed a bit. Louis rests his cheek against Harry's, and holds him for a while. 

After pulling away and sitting down in the chair, he holds Harry's hand. His thumb gently caresses the soft thin skin. 'Hey, baby,' he says in a soft voice. He looks across the room as if to check if no one is watching him. When he doesn't see anyone there, he turns back to Harry. 

'I have to admit it's hard to think of something to say to you, since you won't respond... But I think it's fair to start with an apology. I have no idea if you've even noticed, but I haven't visited you in a couple of weeks. Your mum hates me for it. I don't blame her, sometimes I hate me too.'

He lets go of Harry's hand and strokes his cheek. 

'It's been hard without you, Haz,' he whispers. 'I wish you would just wake up. James misses you a lot, too. He keeps asking me when you'll come home and it breaks my heart every time I have to tell him that I don't know, because you coming home to me, to us, is all I want.' Wiping a tear from his cheek, he chuckles and says, 'It's ridiculous. I didn't cry for a month, but now I can't stop.' 

Louis considers telling Harry about William, but decides not to. What if Harry actually can hear him and he'll start to panic, if that's even possible? He places his hand back on Harry's. 

'On a happier note, Liam and Zayn are here. I hadn't talked to them in forever, but Niall asked them to come here, because he thought I could use their support. At first I wasn't so sure it was a good idea, but it's been really nice to have them around. Last night we set up a camp fire at the beach, James and Niall were there too. It felt almost complete, but nothing does without you by my side.'

Louis lets his fingers intertwine with Harry's and stares at the perfect image. 'I promise you I'll visit more often. Maybe I'll bring James tomorrow.' He closes his eyes. 'Just promise me you'll come back to me.'

He opens his eyes in shock when he feels Harry's hand squeeze his. It was a short, gentle squeeze, but Louis is sure he felt it right. He stares at Harry's beautiful face, but nothing has changed – his eyes are still closed and his mouth still shows the same satisfied smile. 

'You'll come back to me,' Louis whispers, barely audible. He presses his lips against Harry's hand and sits like that for a while. 

The door opens with a soft squeak and when Louis looks up, he sees Liam's head peeking through the doorway. 'Are you okay?' he asks.

'I'm more than okay. I think he just promised me he'll come back to me.'

Liam looks at him with suspicion, but he decides to let it rest. 'Do you want more time with him, or can we come in?'

'You can come in.' Louis smiles at Liam. 'I've told him everything I wanted to.' He gets up and leans forward so that his face is closer to Harry's. 'I love you, sweetheart.' He gently puts his lips on Harry's. 

When he turns around and walks over to Liam, they hug shortly. 

'Good job, Tommo.' 

 

When  Zayn is inside as well, Louis looks around the hallway. He sees a doctor and decides to walk over to her. 

'Excuse me.' He gently touches her shoulder. 

She turns around in surprise and asks if you she can help him with anything. She looks younger than Doctor Sawyer, probably between 30 and 35 years old. As opposed to Doctor Sawyer's short blonde hair, she wears her brown curly hair in a long ponytail. For some reason Louis reckons she's more formal than doctor Sawyer.

'I hope so,' Louis says with a friendly smile. 'I was just visiting my husband, Harry Styles, he's in room 215, and –' 'Oh, the pretty one!' Louis is taken back by her enthusiasm. 'Do you have a question about his status?'

'Well, kind of. I don't really know how comas work, but I was just sitting at his bedside and I held his hand. I asked him something important and I believe he squeezed my hand as a reply. Is that possible?' 

She seems to think for a moment before speaking. 'When someone is in a coma, their brainstem and cortex don't communicate how they should, or sometimes not at all. After a while, they can begin to work again, but usually not both at the same time. If the cortex starts –' She notices the confused look on Louis' face and starts to laugh. 'You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?' 

'Not really.' Louis can feel his cheeks turning red.

'Without going into further detail, different areas of the brain start to work – or wake up, if you like – separately from each other. It's a gradual process. If certain areas work again, the patient's subconscious comes back slowly. So, to answer your question, I'm not sure he replied to your question, but there is a good chance he knew you were there and responded to your presence.'

A warmth spreads through Louis' veins. 

'You said his brain is waking up. Do you think that means his... body is waking up?' Hope echoes in his voice.

'I just want to make clear that I can't know anything for sure because I don't know his situation well enough and comas are a very tricky thing.' She bites her lip trying to find the right words. 'All that I can say is that responses like that could be a sign that there's a process going on inside of him, that could lead to him waking up. I just can't tell you for sure and I can't tell you how long that process would take, because it's different for everybody.' 

Louis nods. 'I just really want him to wake up, you know?'

The doctor smiles understandingly and says, 'Of course you do. Just talk to him whenever you visit and if you ever think he's responding again, tell me or one of my colleagues immediately so that we can check if there's reason to believe he is in fact waking up.' 

When he nods, she turns to walk away, but holds her step and turns back to Louis. 

'Hope, but don't expect.' 

He looks to the ground to let her statement sink in, and when he looks up, she is already gone. 

 


	8. Chapter Eight

 

 

Eight

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

'S o explain again what happened.' Liam is confused by the time they arrive back at the house. Louis' been talking about the hand-squeeze the entire time since they left the hospital and the thing is, he's been rambling so much that Liam still has no idea what's going on. 

'Yeah, what is going on?' Niall follows them through the front door. He joined them at the hospital a little before he left.

'I was talking to Harry and I asked him to promise me he'll come back to me and he squeezed my hand, so I asked a doctor or nurse or whatever she was what that means, and she told me he could be waking up. She said all this medical stuff that I didn't understand about different parts of the brain, but what I did understand is that he might be waking up and that's great news of course, it's the best news, because that's all I want, and –'

'Stop, mate.' Zayn throws his hands in the air. 'Breathe, for God's sake.' 

Louis takes his friend's advice and inhales deeply as he sits down on one of the armchairs. 'But really, though,' he starts again, but this time calmer. 'Wouldn't it be great if he would just wake up? She said that waking up is a gradual process, so I have no idea how long it will take, but there's a chance I might get him back.' 

Zayn nods and smiles. 'That would be great.'

'And you know what would be awesome?' Louis says with a broad smile. 'Now that we are back to being how we always used to be, we could go on vacation!'

Liam, Niall and Zayn look at each other, not knowing how to react, but Louis doesn't notice.

'The five of us! And Zayn, you could bring Perrie. Liam, you could bring Sophia and Melissa, and –'

'I lied,' Liam says all of a sudden, causing Louis to finally stop talking. Liam's voice is cold, but there's also a sigh of relief. He has been carrying a secret and he can finally let it go.

' What do you mean, you lied?' Niall asks with a confused look on his face. Him and Zayn sit down on the couch, but Liam stays exactly where he is.

'I lied when I said that Sophia and I are still happy. We're not.'

'You never told me this.' Zayn sounds almost offended. Liam is still one of his best mates, and he thought he meant the same to Liam. They still talk all the time and he figures he should have noticed if anything was wrong.

Liam inhales deeply and sits down on the armchair opposite Louis'. 'Things aren't working out, we're getting a divorce.'

'Why didn't you tell me?' Zayn asks in the same offended tone.

'Because we are here for Louis and Harry. I didn't want to nag about my own little problems.' 

'Getting a divorce isn't exactly a little problem,' Louis says. 'Did you file the divorce already?'

'Yes.'

'When?'

'Three weeks ago.'

'We didn't even know we were going to visit Louis three weeks ago,' Zayn says angrily. 'So what is the real reason you didn't tell me?'

'Because I feel like I've failed, okay?' Liam stares at Zayn. 'She is the one who wants the divorce and I feel like I've failed because I wasn't able to keep my wife.'

Zayn looks away, too stubborn to look at Liam right now. He feels betrayed.

'Why does she want a divorce?' Niall asks in a calm voice.

'She says I'm not the man she fell in love with anymore.' Liam shrugs. 'I don't enjoy things as much as I used to and I'm mostly at home, which bugs her.'

'But how could you still be the man she fell in love with?' Louis asks. 'First of all, no offense, but you were a boy when she fell in love with you. Second of all, you were in the biggest boy band on Earth, traveling the world. Of course things have changed.'

'I know.' Liam shrugs again. 'It's just not enough for her anymore.' 

Niall crosses the living room to the kitchen. He fills four glasses with water and puts them on a tray. When he walks back to the couch, his friends are all staring at nothing in silence.

'Hearing you talk about Harry makes me think she might be right.' Liam grabs one of the glasses from the tray and takes a sip. He looks up at Louis. 'You still talk about Harry with the same love you used to ten years ago. The same things have changed in your life as in mine, and you've managed to still love each other through it all. Bloody hell, your life and relationship have been way harder than mine.'

Louis thinks about this while drinking his water. 'I understand what you mean, but it's still different.' He looks at Liam with a tender smile. 'You have to remember that our love story is a tragic one. Tragedy either pulls you apart, or it brings you closer. With us, it's always been the latter, and therefore I think our appreciation for each other is different, deeper. We've had to fight for each other and that's made us wonder if it was all worth it many times. The answer has always been yes. It's nearly impossible for us to resent each other. 

'With you, though, your relationship has always been relatively easy. You know, you fell in love, got married a few years later, got a child, it's all been text book. This is probably the first time in your life together that you've wondered if it's worth it. You've never had to fight for each other and therefore it's easier to let each other go.'

Liam swallows the lump in his throat. 'I never really thought about it like that.'

'Wow, Tommo,' Niall says. 'I can tell you've had a lot of time on your hands.'

Louis laughs. 'It's true, I've done a lot of thinking about this. Liam, don't get me wrong. I don't think you don't love each other. I think this is just the first time you've ever had to fight for it and that takes you by surprise. Giving up is the easy way out.'

'But what if the fight really isn't worth it to her?'

'Remind her why it is,' Louis simply says.

'Is it worth it, though?' Liam shifts his wedding ring up and down his finger. 

'Are you kidding me?' Louis straightens himself. 'You took her as your wife years ago, she gave birth to your child. If that is not worth fighting for, I don't know what is.'

'I'm sorry, you were so happy about Harry and now I'm ruining it,' Liam says in a sad voice. 'This is why I didn't mention it.' 

'Don't be ridiculous, Payno.' Louis puts his hand on Liam's shoulder. 'You're here for me because I need you, so I want to be here for you too. Besides, you really can't ruin my happiness right now.' They both laugh.

Niall gazes at Louis with a look that says 'I told you so' when he mentions that he needs Liam and Zayn. Louis sends a wink his way.

Liam turns away from Louis to look at Zayn and puts his hand on his knee. 'Mate, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Please don't think it's because I don't trust you. Like I said, I feel like I've failed and my best friend is the last person I want to see my weakness.' 

'I really don't see you as weak, though,' Zayn says. 'Just promise me next time you'll let me in when things get hard.'

Liam puts his arms around Zayn and they whisper some things to each other that Louis and Niall can't hear.

'Cut it out,' Niall says jokingly. 'One gay couple in this group is enough.' They laugh sarcastically.

'How do you feel, though, Tommo?' Liam asks. 'Now that you've seen Harry, I mean.' 

'I feel surprisingly good, actually.' Louis leans back in his chair. 'I don't regret not visiting him earlier, though. I just needed the time I took and I feel better now. Besides, Harry now looks like himself again, whereas before he really looked like a hospital patient, if you know what I mean.'

'Do you think you'll visit him more often again from now on?' Zayn asks.

'I promised him I will. Told him I might bring James tomorrow. Don't know how he will respond to that, though, since he's just so little.' 

'But he's been asking about Harry, right?' Niall asks. 'I'm sure he'll be happy to see his father again.'

 

They spend the rest of the day on the beach. Because James isn't there, they can just lie down and talk. About Harry, about William, about Liam's divorce, all of it. Every once in a while one of them goes inside to get them fresh drinks or something to eat. 

It's a hot sunny day, so the  beach is filled with families. Louis watches them, but he doesn't feel the jealousy he used to. He's positive about the future and knows in every fiber of his being that they will be a family again. 

Liam watches the families too, but he does feel the jealousy Louis' lost. He's spent fun days with Melissa, but it's been quite some time since he's had fun with Sophia. She's gradually distanced herself from him during the past year. They rarely talk anymore, and even when they do, there is no depth to their conversations. Just last week, she sent him a text to ask if he could get some groceries, while they were both at home. He can't remember the last time they had sex and at night, a 'goodnight' is a rarity. It's a miracle they still sleep in the same bed. He's looking for a new place to buy, since she refuses to leave the house. Sometimes Liam wishes Sophia would just get mad at him, scream what is bothering her. This cold war has taken its toll on him. 

When he tells his friends about all this, Zayn admits that his relationship hasn't been a walk in the park either. When he and Perrie got together, Zayn was a member of One Direction, of course, and she was in Little Mix, a British girl group that was slowly becoming a worldwide success. After the boy band broke up due to Louis and Harry's coming out, Zayn's life changed drastically, but hers didn't. Zayn was mostly at home working on his art, that's never really gotten any recognition. After two years, Little Mix broke up as well and they spent more time together. They realized it was good for their relationship. They'd missed sleeping in the same bed every night and being able to spend entire days together, rather than just an hour or two. Last year, though, Little Mix decided to do a reunion tour. From the moment they got back together, Zayn has barely seen Perrie. She stayed in a hotel during rehearsals, and she's now been on the road for almost two months.  Zayn  knows how much she loves being on the road and performing again. If he got the chance to do it all over again, he would take it, no doubt, so he's never held her back in pursuing that. Even though he is happy for her, he's been lonely. 

'I was just thinking,' he says. 'And I don't know what's going to happen after this.'

Niall wakes up at the sound of Zayn's voice and rubs his eyes. Louis is lying on his stomach, and pushes himself up to rest on his underarms, so that he can look at Zayn. Liam simply turns his head and places the side of his hand on his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun. 

'What do you mean?' Niall asks in between yawns.

'Well, we are here together now, and it's a lot of fun, but what will happen after this? I mean, Liam and I will have to go back eventually. He will have to deal with the divorce and I... Well, to be honest, I don't really have anything to go home to. I hope to God that Harry wakes up soon, but Louis will have his hands full on him. So where does that leave us?'

'I'm not planning on letting our friendship slip away again,' Louis says as he draws a heart in the sand. He writes an H and an L in it, but covers it before any of his friends see it.

Zayn takes a sip from his drink and says, 'Me neither, but isn't it inevitable?' 

'I don't know.' Louis frowns. 'You said you don't have anything to go home to. Do you mean you might leave Perrie?' 

Zayn sighs. 'I don't know anymore, mate. I love her, I do, but I don't know where this is going. We have been together for years, and we haven't even discussed getting married. I've been planning on proposing to her for quite some time, but it never seems to be the right time. Besides, I don't even know if she wants to have kids.'

'Do you?' Liam asks.

'Yes, I would love to. I just feel like there is so much she still wants to do before really settling down, you know? She's 31 years old, though. I don't know how much longer we can wait.'

'The question is,' Louis says. 'Do you want to wait any longer?'

Zayn thinks about this while sipping his drink. 'To be honest with you, I don't think so. I mean, if I was sure this is going somewhere, I would wait. Then I'd know it's worth it. But what if I wait for another couple of months or even years and it turns out we have very different ideas about the future? I don't know if it's worth the wait.'

'Ask her,' Liam simply says. 

'When? Like I said, it never seems to be the right time.' 

'That's bullshit. You are in a relationship together, it should always be the right time to talk about that. You're just scared and looking for excuses.'

Zayn nods slowly, knowing Liam is right. 'She's on the road for another month, so I'll have to wait at least that long.'

'You can't call her?' Louis asks.

'And say what? 'Hey babe, I know you're about to go on stage but I have a question; where is our relationship going?' I can't do that.'

Louis laughs. 'Yeah, that might not be the best approach.'

Zayn laughs too. 'I'm sorry, though. Liam is right, now we're just talking about our problems and you are dealing with Harry and-'

'We're all dealing with something.' Louis shrugs. 'I don't want you to feel like your problems are less important than mine.'

'But you don't know if you'll ever get your marriage back.'

'Yeah, and you don't know if you'll be in your relationship much longer.'

'Damn.' Niall laughs. 'For once I'm actually glad I'm single.'

 


	9. Chapter Nine

 

 

Nine

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

T hat night, when the lads are eating ice cream as a desert on the couch, Anne brings James back home. He immediately runs over to his dad and climbs on his lap. The boy tells Louis about all the animals he saw that day; zebras, lions, tigers, monkeys, elephants, et cetera. 

Louis smiles lovingly at his three year old son. It's almost his bedtime and since it's been a long day for him, he must be tired, but that doesn't diminish his enthusiasm. After he finishes describing all the animals, he talks about what food they had for dinner. Even though they just had some French fries and a snack at the zoo restaurant, James talks about it like it's the most posh dinner he's ever had. 

When he's told Louis all there is to tell, he jumps off of his lap and walks over to Niall to tell him the exact same story. Even though Niall heard it all when he told it to Louis, he acts like it's new to him. Louis loves him for that.

'Louis, can we talk?' Anne suddenly asks. 

He looks up at his mother-in-law. She's fidgeting with her clothes, which gives Louis the impression she's nervous. 

'Sure.' He gets up from the couch with a sigh and says, 'We'll be at the beach.'

 

They sit down in the sand and stare at the sea for a while. Louis refuses to start the conversation since she's the one who wants to talk to him after what happened that morning. The sun is beginning to set and the sky shows a mixture of colors; yellow, orange, pink and red. The weak beams make the sands glisten, turning the beach into a yellow version of the dark sea.

'So...' she starts in a soft voice. 'Did you go see Harry today?'

'We did.' Louis keeps the words short, like he isn't willing to talk to her. 

'What was it like for you?'

'Oh, come on, Anne.' Louis shakes his head at his mother-in-law. 'Don't act like you all of a sudden care about how I feel.'

'I do care about how you feel, though.'

'Nice way of showing it, saying I've forsaken my responsibility as Harry's husband in front of our son.' He directs his gaze back to the water and shakes his head again.

'You have to understand that I'm scared-'

'And you think I'm not? You think James is not?' Louis snaps. 

The volume of Anne's voice rises as she says, 'I do, but I'm his mother-'

'Please, stop acting like this situation is somehow worse for you. I know that that person lying in that hospital bed is your son, and that it must be terrible for you, but that man is also my husband. And I didn't just see him lying in a hospital bed.' His voice breaks, but he regains himself by inhaling deeply, the air soft in his throat. 'I saw my son lying here in the sand, motionless. His skin burnt. You haven't experienced the pain of watching strangers do everything in their power to keep your husband alive while others cry over your dead son.'

Anne stares at Louis through watery eyes. He looks broken and emotionless at the same time. It's the look that makes it seem like someone is too tired to feel, emotionally drained. His blue eyes show pain and nothing. She can't put her finger on it, but something makes him look like he doesn't care about anything anymore, like he wouldn't mind if the world ended right then and there, but at the same time he looks like he could fall apart if you so much as touched him. 

'I still hear the echoes of that night every day,' Louis continues, still staring at the sea. 'The sirens of the ambulance, the yelling of the paramedics. Don't even get me started on my own screaming. I kept begging him to stay with me, I kept telling him how much I love him and how much I need him. That is why it was so hard for me to face him, but I did today and it felt good.'  Louis suddenly pushes himself up and turns back towards the house. 'I don't need you to remind me of the mistakes I've made in the past months and probably long before that.' Rushing his hand through the brown mess that is his hair, he starts to walk away from his mother-in-law.

'Louis,' Anne's voice is loud but calm, and he holds his step at the sound of it. 'I didn't come here to hurt you, or to argue with you.' She's turned around in the sand to look at her son-in-law, but all she sees is his back.

'Then what did you come here for?' His voice resembles the look in his eyes; pain and numbness. Weariness.

'Could you please just sit down, so we can talk like adults?' She tries to say the words as kindly as possible. She doesn't want to push him away any further. All this time she was so focused on her own pain that she didn't see his.

He hesitates, but eventually decides to walk back to where he was sitting. The cold sand caresses his toes, but he doesn't mind it. He's used to the feeling.

Anne inhales deeply before speaking, looking for the right words, if there are any. 'I just want to know what you feel.'

'Guilt,' Louis says, his voice cold. 'I feel guilt.' 

His gaze doesn't leave the black water in front of him. The evening air makes the little hairs on his arms stand up, as a light breeze touches his skin, but he doesn't feel the goosebumps. All he feels is the void in his chest. As happy as he felt hours before, he now feels miserable. Staring at the waves rolling towards them, he wonders if the sea taking him in could make him feel anything different than the pain he has felt for so long now.

'I miss Harry with every fiber of my being, but it's the guilt that kills me.'

Anne follows Louis' gaze to the sea and when she speaks, her voice is barely audible. 'Why do you feel guilty?'

'Because I didn't save him.' Louis shrugs as if it's obvious. 'I'm happy that I saved James, but I can't help but feel like I could have done more.' He wraps his arms around his knees, like he always does when he feels vulnerable. 'I keep replaying that night in my head over and over again. If I hadn't lost sight of James, I could've gotten him out of the tent sooner. If it hadn't taken me so long to find people to trust with my son, I could have gone looking for Harry and William sooner.' For the first time, he turns his head to look at Anne. 'I could have saved them.' 

When she turns her head to look at Louis, Anne notices how both his eyes and voice have changed. The numbness has disappeared. They now only echo the sorrow in his words. 

'I'm not going to tell you to stop feeling guilty.' She directs her gaze back to the horizon. 'I know you would have stopped a long time ago if you could.'

Louis nods slowly and looks down at the sand as he runs his fingers through it. 

They sit in silence for a while. It's not an awkward silence. There are a million thoughts and questions in the air that they both feel, but neither say out loud. The sound of laughter coming from the house travels through the air and Louis smiles as it reaches him. He can distinguish Niall's laughter – a loud, infectious laugh. He also hears Liam and Zayn laughing, but much softer. It's the sound of his little boy's laugh that warms his heart. 

'Is it wrong that I don't miss William as much as I miss Harry?' he suddenly asks in a soft voice, as if he's ashamed to say it.

Anne puts her hand on Louis' knee when she says, 'No, I don't think so.' She frowns. 'I don't think you miss Harry more, I think you miss them in different ways.'

'What do you mean?'

'As a parent and a wife, I know that the love you have for your children and your husband are a very different kind of love. The love for your children goes deeper, unconditional, whereas the love for your partner is more...' She takes a moment to find the right word. 'I'd say tangible. You used to be with Harry every day for about 14 years. It's hard to not have someone to discuss the daily things with. Besides, you still have James, so that part of your life isn't completely missing, as opposed to Harry's.'

Louis lets the words sink in in silence. 

'You know, he might be waking up,' he says after a while.

'Yes, I hope so.'

'No, you don't understand.' He frees his knees from his arms and Anne's hand, and places his hands behind him in the sand. 'When I was with him this morning, he squeezed my hand.'

Anne straightens her body in excitement, but is still careful with her feelings. 'Does that mean anything, though? Can't it just be a random motion?'

'Could be.' Louis' voice is back to normal; neither filled with pain, nor emotionless. 'I asked a nurse about it and she said it could be a sign that he's waking up. I don't know the details, but it's a gradual process of different parts of the brain starting to work again. He squeezed it after I asked him a question. According to the nurse, he probably didn't understand the question, but it's possible that he reacted to my presence.'

'What did you ask him before he squeezed your hand?' Anne no longer tries to hide the hope in her voice.

Louis hesitates, because it's so personal, but tells her anyway. 'I asked him to promise that he'll come back to me.'

Anne suddenly grabs his face and kisses him on the cheek. 'Louis, that's great!'

He's a bit startled by her intimacy, but doesn't back away. Instead, he wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her neck. 

 

'I think it's bedtime for a certain boy,' Louis says when they walk back into the house.

'Not for me, right?' James pouts and shows his big green puppy eyes. Louis smiles at the sight of it. He remembers how Harry used to do the same when he wanted to get something done. Louis used to tease him by lying on Harry's side of the bed while he was in the bathroom. When he'd get to the bedroom, Louis would pretend to be asleep, so Harry would pout and pout until Louis couldn't contain his laughter anymore. Eventually, he'd make just enough room for Harry to climb into bed as well, but not enough for their bodies to be separated.

Louis looks around the room in an exaggerated way. 'Well... It looks like you're the only boy here, so yes.'

'B ut dahad,' James pout s a bit more.

Louis squats down and rubs James' head. 'It's been a long day, boy. Besides, I have something exciting to tell you, but I can't tell you until you're in bed.' 

James tilts his head while he thinks about Louis' blackmail and eventually says, 'Okay, then.' He still doesn't seem to be too excited, but he's curious to know what his dad has to tell him. 

He first says goodbye to his grandmother and then Niall, Zayn and Liam, giving each of them a big, wet kiss.

'Goodnight, James,' they say in unison. 

He waves his little hand and follows Louis up the stairs.

 

When James is finally in bed, he asks his father what the secret is. 

'Well...' Louis sits down on the edge of the little bed and holds James' tiny foot. 'I went to see daddy today.' James widens his eyes and mouth in surprise. 'I thought you'd might want to see him as well.'

James nods quickly, but looks a bit concerned. 

'What is it, sweetie?' Louis removes his hand from James' foot and uses it to play with James' curls. 

'How is daddy?' James' voice is quiet and he fidgets with his pajamas. 

Louis wonders what to say exactly. He can't be too enthusiastic in case Harry doesn't wake up after all. James won't be able to understand the risks that are still there. 

'He's doing a bit better. He's still asleep, but all the scary tubes are gone. Only the one feeding him through his nose is left.' He pretends to stick his pinkie in James' nostril. 'Right in there.' James laughs softly while pulling Louis' finger down. 

His face then turns more serious and he nods slowly. 'Daddy's got to eat.'

Louis laughs lovingly and nods as well. 'Yes, he does.'

James changes his position so that he is now lying on his side, holding the stuffed purple monkey that Harry gave him right after he was born close to his chest. In the middle of a yawn he asks, 'When can I see him?'

'I was thinking of taking you tomorrow, would that be okay?'

James nods, but he doesn't look at Louis. His face shows concern again as he gently holds the monkey's ear and softly brushes it against his wee nose. Louis considers letting it rest, thinking maybe James is just tired, but he feels like he should ask him what's bothering him, so he does. 

'Can we go see Will too?' James' voice is quiet, barely audible, like he's afraid to speak the words. He's still not looking at Louis, his expression fearful. 

The words hit Louis like a snowball; cold and painful. He inhales deeply and takes a moment before he exhales. The air suddenly feels thick and heavy in his throat. Right after the accident, he tried to explain it all to James. The concept of Harry being asleep wasn't very hard to grasp, because he could see it. William was just gone. The doctors told Louis he could have one more look at him if he wanted to, but he refused. He wanted to remember William the way he'd always been; beautiful and delicate. He wanted to remember his brown mass of curls, not a small pile of singed hair. On the beach, he'd seen that one of his little shoes was partly burnt, showing wrinkled skin, blackened. The sight was enough for him to know he didn't want to see the rest. He figures the doctors wouldn't have let James in the room if Louis had brought him. 

He remembers that even the doctors were shocked when they first saw James the day after the accident. They startled when he walked the hallway to go see his father. He needed his entire little hand to hold Louis' pinkie, clinging to it as though it somehow could protect him from all the pitiful eyes staring at him. All the while, Louis just looked at the floor beneath his feet, trying to escape the gazes as well. 

He tried to explain it five months ago, and here they are. Louis' never been aware that James doesn't understand that William is gone. Forever. How do you explain death to a three year old? He figures James first just accepted the situation, but then it changed again because he wasn't able to see Harry anymore either.

Still not entirely sure how to explain it, he says, 'William isn't here anymore, James. I told you that.'

'But you never told me where he went.' James tilts his head to look at Louis with big green eyes. 

Louis gestures James to move over and climbs on the bed, laying down beside his son. He stretches his arm, and James lays his little head on Louis' shoulder, broad compared to the boy. 

'You know, James, some people go to sleep, and wake up the next morning, like us. And sometimes people go to sleep but don't wake up for a very long time, like daddy. Unfortunately, some people never wake up again.' It's a shit explanation, but it's all Louis can think of.

'So Will is asleep?' Something in James' voice lets him know that he still doesn't understand. 

James used to struggle pronouncing William's name, so they told him to just call him Will. He could probably say his full name now, but Louis doesn't bother to change things. 

'Yes, he's asleep.'

'So he's in his bed? But why don't we ever go tuck him in if he's next door? He could get uncomfortable.' James frowns. None of it makes sense to him.

Louis squeezes his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand. 'William isn't next door, James. He- he went to a special place to sleep with all the other people who never wake up again.'

'Like a huge bedroom?' It suddenly sounds like James understands, and it kills Louis that it isn't the truth. Or maybe it is, who knows what Heaven looks like? He decides to agree with him. 'Yes, I suppose it is like a huge bedroom.'

'But where is it then?' 

There is a certain age when children just accept what their parents tell them. And then there is an age where they want to know the reason and story behind everything. You can't just tell them to open a jar by twisting the top, you have to tell them exactly what happens on the inside when you do so. James is in that age right now, and the timing couldn't be worse. 

'To be honest, James, I don't know.' When James doesn't respond, Louis figures he should say more, he just doesn't know exactly what. 'You remember the night at the beach, don't you? With the fire? Daddy and William were both hurt pretty bad that night. The doctors took daddy to the hospital to help him, but William was already too deep asleep. They had to let him go to that bedroom so he could be more comfortable, wherever it may be.'

James nods slowly, trying to grasp it all. 'Will we ever see him again?' 

'No, James, I'm afraid we won't.' 

'But does he have friends there? He should have someone to play with.'

Louis closes his eyes again, trying to push back the emotions that are trying to take him over. He gently rubs James' shoulder. 'I'm sure he has friends there, people who care about him.'

'We didn't say goodbye before he went away. Do you think daddy said goodbye to him?' James pushes himself up and rests on his elbows, so he can look at his father. Louis opens his eyes to look at him, twisting James' curls around his fingers.

'I hope so, buddy.' He lifts the corners of his mouth, trying to show his son a smile, but it's not quite there. When it seems like James doesn't have any questions left to ask, Louis slides his arm from under James and lays him down. 

'It's pretty late, mate.' He gets up from the bed and grabs the duvet to cover James. 'The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you'll see daddy.'

James nods and smiles at the thought of seeing his father after all this time. 

Louis bends over and presses his lips against James' forehead. 'Goodnight, my beautiful son.'

When he's almost at the door, he here's a sleepy voice murmur, 'I love you, daddy.'

Louis turns around in the doorway and smiles at the pile under the duvet.

'I love you too.'

 


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finally visits Harry :)

 

 

Ten

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

W hen Louis enters the living room, he finds his friends and mother-in-law still sitting on his couch and armchairs. They're watching some TV show – looks like E! News. He doesn't pay attention to the television, until he feels the awkwardness in the room. Liam and Zayn are staring at the TV, but Louis notices that their postures are too tense, not relaxed. Niall and Anne, however, try to make it seem like they're not looking at him, even though they are. His gaze switches between the two, trying to find out what they are so nervous about. He frowns and holds his hands up to the sides. 'What's going on?'

Niall nervously turns his head to look at Zayn, and when he doesn't react, Niall sighs. 'They were just talking about Harry.'

As soon as the words pour out of his mouth, the atmosphere in the room changes, feels more relaxed. The air feels slightly lighter and they all dare to look up at Louis now. 

'About Harry?' he repeats in surprise.

'And you,' Liam says. When Louis shrugs with questioning eyes, he adds, 'Apparently someone saw us leaving the hospital today. They're speculating about Harry's situation. And your marriage.'

Louis frowns again, and sniffs sarcastically. He points to the remote control in Niall's hand. 'Can I have that?'

When Niall gives it to him, Louis opens the menu that allows you to restart a program. He presses another button as he sits down on the armrest of the couch. He notices that Zayn and Liam are exchanging nervous looks again, but he ignores them. As soon as the woman on the television starts talking, Anne gets up from the armchair and crosses the room to the kitchen.

'It's been quiet on the One Direction front, but there is news about Harry Styles!' She sounds very happy, which seems weird to Louis since the item is apparently about them visiting the hospital. He observes the woman. Long blonde hair, braided to one side, not too much makeup, a simple red colored dress. She seems nice enough, but it's her tone that annoys Louis. Without his husband being in the hospital, there wouldn't have been any news, so she shouldn't be so excited about it. 

'I'll give you a quick recap. It's been over five months since a fire at a beach party near the Styles residence almost knocked the life out of the 30 year old singer and former member of the once so popular boy band. After breaking up the band by stepping out of the closet in 2016, the British heartthrob moved to sunny Los Angeles with his longtime lover and former fellow band member Louis Tomlinson, who took on Harry's surname five years ago when they sealed the deal. Two years after the wedding, they welcomed their twins, James and William Styles, whose biological mother was a surrogate. The family seemed to live a happy life together, staying away from the media, until one very fateful night last November.' Louis wonders if her voice will remain to sound so damn cheerful. He looks around the room and sees his friends becoming more and more nervous with every word she says, and he wonders what's coming. Anne is still out of sight, which worries him even more.

'What was meant to be a fun beach party with the ex pop stars' neighbors, quickly turned into a straight disaster. The party tent somehow caught fire and collapsed, crushing Harry into a coma, and burning their two and a half year old son, William, who died on the spot.' 

In shock, Louis opens his mouth, but he doesn't make a sound. 

'I'm sorry, mate.' Zayn's voice breaks the thick air in the room. 'We don't have to watch this.'

'No, I want to hear it.' Louis turns his gaze back to the woman on the television, who is still smiling like she's talking about a Summer wedding, or something.

'Louis didn't have much time to mourn over the death of his son, since he visited his husband at the hospital every day for the first months following the accident. After two or three, his black Ferrari stopped showing up at the parking lot of the California Hospital Medical Center. As our loyal watchers might remember, the possibility that Louis has left his unconscious spouse has crossed our minds more than once. Even though former One Direction member Niall Horan, who joined Harry and Louis in LA two years ago, often took the trip to the hospital with him, their ex colleagues Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, who never moved to The United States, were nowhere to be seen. Well, people, it seems that the old pals have been planning a boy band reunion, 'cause Horan, Malik and Payne joined their friend when he finally decided it was time to visit his husband again this morning. Here we have a picture of the four of them leaving the building. Styles' now three year old son James apparently stayed at home with the sitter. We are currently trying to find a way to contact Louis, as we are curious to know what took him so long to visit poor Harry. Our guess is that Styles recently woke up from his coma, leaving his husband no choice but to pay a visit. Hopefully they'll be able to make it through all this and go back to being the adorable couple they once were. We sure will keep you updated.' 

Liam gets up from the couch and walks over to the big screen on the wall. With a little push, the woman is silenced and the room becomes a little darker. Louis drops the remote control on Niall's lap and switches seats as he lowers himself in the armchair that Anne was sitting in. 

Louis is the first one to break the silence when he says, 'I can't believe this.' His voice and expression show his anger. 'Why do they even care?' 

Niall shrugs. 'He's still Harry Styles.' 

'Yeah, but we haven't talked to the media in years. I thought they'd forgotten about us. Only a few paparazzi showed up at the hospital after the accident.'

'That's wishful thinking. They've thoroughly discussed the accident, I just never told you. There wasn't much to photograph after the first days, but now there's a story to tell, or sell.'

Louis shakes his head, trying to gather his thoughts. 'She talked about William's death like it's nothing. And they think I've left Harry? They have no idea what they're talking about.' 

'Relax, mate,' Zayn says. 'It's always been like this, we're just not used to it anymore.'

'Just think of the hysteria they will cause when Harry wakes up.' Louis rubs his forehead. 'And I'm taking James to the hospital tomorrow, that will sure make for some good headlines.'

Anne comes walking out of the kitchen. 'I'm sorry you had to hear that, Louis. You're right, they don't know what they're talking about.' She gently rubs Louis' shoulder. 'I'm going home. Let me know if the press bothers you, okay? And also let me know how it goes at the hospital tomorrow – with James, I mean.'

Nodding, Louis gets up from the chair and follows Anne to the front door. 'I'll let you know.'

She places her hand against his cheek and says, 'I'm glad we could work things out.' 

He smiles faintly. 'Me too.'

 

Unfortunately, Louis was right about the media wanting to see James visiting his father. When Liam stops the car in front of the hospital the next day, they see the entrance is blocked by photographers. 

'You ready for this?' Liam asks, keeping his gaze on the crowd. 

'No.' Louis turns his head to face James. 'Put up your hood, boy.' Turning back to Liam he says, 'Wait for us.'

As soon as Louis steps out of the car, the paparazzi point their cameras at him. Blinded by the flashes, he opens the door where James is sitting and picks him up. James wraps his arms around Louis' neck and his legs around his waist. After shutting the door, Louis places one hand under James to support him, and uses the other to hold him close to his chest. Covering his ear and face with the hood, he walks around the car and tries to make his way through the crowd, trying not to get James hurt in the process. 

'Louis, how is Harry? Any news? Are you two separating? Is Harry awake? Where have you been? Are you happy Liam and Zayn are back? Can we see James? Where did you bury William? Please look here! Can I take a picture of you and your son? Is there a new man in your life? Or a woman?'

The words blur into one, together with the flashing sounds of the cameras. Louis feels James sob into his jacket and he pulls him in even closer. He whispers that it's going to be alright, but he doubts James can hear him as his words mix with the yelling. 

When the sliding doors finally shut behind them, he rushes towards the elevator, not letting go of James until he's sure they're out of sight. It's not until they're inside that he puts him on the floor and he quickly pushes the button telling the elevator at which floor to stop. He then squats down in front of James, pulling down the hood. The little boy's face is wet, his cheeks red. Louis uses his thumbs to wipe the tears from under his eyes. 

'Are you okay, buddy?' He tries to sound as calm as possible. 'Everything's fine now.'

James doesn't answer, but his lower lip starts to tremble, so Louis picks him up again and cradles him, making shushing noises, telling him it's going to be alright over and over again. James has been photographed a few times in his life, but mostly with phones when people happened to recognize Harry or Louis, never anything like this. 

By the time they get to Harry's room, James has stopped crying, but he still hasn't said a word. Louis changes James' position from his chest to his hip, so that it's easier for the boy to see his surroundings. James puts his thumb in his mouth – something he only ever does when he's scared or extremely tired. Louis kisses his temple and opens the door to Harry's room. 

Nothing's changed. No cards have been added to the wall, the flowers Louis put on the nightstand are still there. Of course Harry hasn't changed either – he still looks as peaceful as he did the day before, like he could wake from his slumber any minute. To Louis, he looks just as beautiful as ever. 

Trying not to scare James, Louis approaches the bed slowly, keeping his eye on his son. 'Do you see that he looks a bit better?' James nods slowly, his thumb moving up and down between his lips. Louis puts him down on the edge of Harry's bed and for himself, he grabs one of the chairs standing by the window. Before sitting down, he leans forward and presses a kiss on Harry's forehead. 'Hey, baby.' He wipes a strand of curly brown hair from Harry's face and gently tucks it behind his ear. 

Apparently, the sight of his father touching Harry comforts James. Maybe it makes the situation a little less scary for him. With a sucking noise, he takes his thumb out of his mouth and places his hand on one of Harry's fingers. Harry's hands are big, so James' hand looks even tinier than usual. Louis sits down in the chair and gently rubs James' back while they look at Harry in silence for a while. 

Louis turns his head at the sound of the door opening and Doctor Sawyer comes walking in. The light in the room makes the blue of her eyes even lighter than usual when she smiles friendly and says, 'Hi Louis, hi James. It's been a while, little guy.'

James smiles back, but quickly turns his head to look at Harry again. Louis now realizes that he isn't the only one who misses Harry dearly, and maybe it was wrong to keep James away from him for so long. He clears his throat when he gets up to greet Doctor Sawyer. 'Hey.'

'Louis, can I talk to you for a minute?'

He looks at James, wondering what to do. As though she can hear him think, she says, 'We don't have to leave the room, we can talk over here.' When she points to one of the corners of the room, Louis nods and follows her there.

'How is he?' Doctor Sawyer nods towards James.

'I don't know. Not so good, to be honest.' Louis puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. 'I guess he's been missing Harry more than I thought and he asked me about William last night. He doesn't understand where he is.' 

She smiles as if she's trying to say that she understands. 'It's a rough situation for us grownups, I can't imagine what it's like for such a young boy.' When Louis simply smiles, she closes the subject. 'Actually, I've been meaning to call you, I just haven't had the time yet. Things are really looking up for Harry.'

'Really?' Louis' face lights up the second the words leave her mouth. 

'Yes. I heard that he squeezed your hand yesterday, and last night  his heart rate was elevated. That might sound scary, but it usually means that something's happening inside of the body. It's kind of like a wound that itches when it starts to heal.' Louis nods quickly, begging her to go on. 'I decided to run some tests, and the results were far from disappointing. He responses to pain stimul i that he didn't respond to before –  don't worry, we didn't hurt him. We also played some music for him and he responded to that too. I still can't tell you when he will wake up, but his entire body responds to pain stimuli so he is not paralyzed.'

Louis' chest fills with warmth like a hot liquid is flowing through his veins. He wants to hug the doctor, but that might be inappropriate, so he just stands there smiling like an idiot with tears in his eyes. 

'It's really good news, Louis. You're allowed to be happy.' Her smile is almost as broad as Louis' as she gazes at James, who is now talking to Harry. His voice too soft for them to hear what he's saying, but Louis figures he's telling him about his trip to the zoo the day before. 

'Go be with your family, I've got to go make my rounds anyway. I'll call you if anything happens, of course.' Doctor Sawyer grabs Louis' bicep and shakes his arm gently. 'I'm genuinely happy for you.' 

Louis clears his throat, because it's still thick with tears. 'Thank you so much.' They smile at each other as if trying to say something, and then she says her goodbyes to James and leaves the room. 

Trying wrap his head around everything she just told him, Louis stands in the corner of the room smiling to himself a little longer before turning around and walking over to James. Sitting down on the edge of the bed opposite where his son is sitting, he can just hear the end of the story James was telling, and Louis was right; he was talking about the zoo. 

Louis turns his head to look at James. 'Are you okay, buddy?'

James smiles, but his gaze doesn't leave Harry's face, his little hand still on his finger. 'Fine. I just wish we could take daddy home.'

'Me too, Jim Jam, but he has to sleep a little longer.'

James eyes turn a little more serious, but he doesn't lose his smile. 'I know. It would be nice if he could sleep at home, though. So you wouldn't have to sleep alone anymore.' 

Sometimes Louis is surprised by how much James notices, and this is definitely one of those moments. He's only three years old and he has so much to deal with himself, but he still realizes how lonely Louis has been. 'That's sweet of you.'

Louis directs his gaze back to Harry. The sunlight gently strokes his face, blurring the edges. His hair must have been washed recently, because his curls reflect the light in the most beautiful way. Louis slowly caresses his face – starting with his cheek, which feels soft under his fingers. Then he uses one finger to follow the line of his jaw, his beautiful, manly jaw. He softly grabs his earlobe with two fingers. Louis smiles as the little hairs on Harry's neck stand up at the touch. He lets go of the earlobe and proceeds his way to Harry's cheekbones. He doesn't have the type of high, visible cheekbones. They're barely there for the eye to see, but very much there for the hand to feel. Louis rubs it gently with his thumb, and leans forward to kiss his eyelids. 

As he straightens himself, he asks James, 'Is there anything else you'd like to say to daddy?' 

James frowns his eyebrows as he thinks about this for a second. 'Just that I miss him and that I hope he comes back home soon, because I don't want you to be sad anymore.' 

Louis puts his hand on Harry's thigh as he leans forward to kiss James' forehead. 'You're a wonderful boy, you know that?' James nods and Louis laughs. 'Okay, okay. Ready to go outside again?' 

James sighs. 'I guess so.' He pushes himself off the bed and puts up his hood, preparing himself for what's waiting outside. 'Bye daddy, I'll see you soon.' 

Louis smiles at James and then leans forward to kiss Harry – this time on his lips. A rush of warmth comes over him, butterflies in his stomach. He can only imagine how he'll feel when Harry finally kisses him back again. Twisting Harry's curls around his fingers, Louis says, 'I love you, baby.'

 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter you've probably been waiting for!

 

 

Eleven

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

T he call comes two days later. Louis is sitting at his dining room table with Liam and Zayn when his phone rings. At first, he doesn't bother to look, because the media have been calling him every ten seconds the past days. The first few times, he or one of his friends would answer and tell the anonymous person at the other end of the line that they had 'no comment'. 'No comment' turned into 'bugger off' soon enough. They have no interest in selling a sad story to the press. Louis figures he'll give a one time statement when Harry wakes up, and that'll be the end of it. 

So this time when his phone rings during dinner, he ignores it. For some reason, Liam looks up from his plate and catches the name of the caller on the screen. 'Louis, it's the hospital.'

Louis drops his fork and picks up his phone. He's visited Harry three times over the past two days – now that he's been reminded of what he's got, he can't stay away from his husband anymore. He even asked Doctor Sawyer if he could sleep at the hospital, but she laughed and told him there was no use, that he'd better go home and spend some time with James. James seems to be happier now that he's seen that his father is still there. Sure, he still gets sad from time to time, but overall he's mostly happy. Harry responses more and more. One time, his pulse elevated when Louis told him he loves him. Louis even thinks Harry moved his head slightly when he kissed him on the cheek, but he could have imagined it. 

'Louis Styles.' He couldn't say his name faster if he tried to.

And that's it. The call. He can feel his heart stop beating and beating like crazy at the same time. Blood rushes through his veins, tingling everywhere. He holds his phone a little tighter, afraid he might drop it. He can't speak, his mind blank. Liam and Zayn look at each other with worried eyes. 'Mate, what is it?' Zayn asks, but Louis doesn't respond. He just stares at nothing. His mouth open, his eyes wide. For a minute, Liam thinks Louis might faint. 'Tommo, say something, you're scaring me.' 

Louis lowers his phone and ends the call without saying anything. He gently lays it on the table, and puts his hands in his lap. With big blue eyes, he stares at Liam, who reaches over to put his hand on Louis' shoulder. 'Louis, what is it?' he whispers.

Louis swallows the lump in his throat and finally says, 'He's awake.'

 

It takes Louis 20 minutes to get to the hospital. He's ran some red lights, but he couldn't care less right now. Liam and Zayn offered to drive him to the hospital, but he wanted to go on his own. This way, they can stay at home with James. He doesn't know that Harry's awake yet, because Louis is sure that he'll want to see him as soon as possible when he finds out, and Doctor Sawyer told Louis that it would be best if he'd come by himself. Even though Harry's woken up, he's still quite weak. She waited an hour before she called Louis, to make sure it wasn't a false alarm. Apparently sometimes it seems like people have woken up from their comas, but they're still absent and will go back to sleep soon. When she was certain that isn't the case with Harry, she decided to call him. 'He can't really speak yet, apart from two words; water and Louis.' He is quite nervous, because the doctors asked Harry some questions and there are no signs of amnesia, meaning he possibly knows what happened and he'll probably ask about William.

Because it's night, the paparazzi don't expect him to show up, so there are only a few photographers outside the hospital. Louis runs past them, not looking at them once. When he enters the building, he doesn't bother to take the elevator, but takes the stairs instead, running up two stairs at a time. When he gets to the right floor, he runs to Harry's door and stops there. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, taking a moment to calm down before he exhales. 

When he opens the door, he sees Harry looking out the window, his face turned away from Louis. 'Look at me, look at me, look at me,' is all Louis can think. He's desperate to see Harry's beautiful green eyes. He wants to see Harry look at him the way he only does to Louis, and when Harry finally turns his head, it's everything he hoped it would be. For the first time in forever, blue eyes lock with green. Even though Harry's face smiles weakly, his eyes show all the love in the world. Louis feels a wave of happiness and love come over him as he rushes to Harry's bed. He falls to his knees at the side and kisses Harry's hand. Giving up the attempt to keep it together, he starts to sob uncontrollably. Harry frees his hand from Louis' lips and uses it to gently rub his' head. They sit like that for a while – Louis crying and Harry trying to comfort him, before Louis finally manages to speak. 'Hey, love.' 

'Hi.' Harry's voice is soft, weak and hoarse. 

Louis pushes himself up and lays down on the bed, pressed up against Harry. Because Harry is too weak to move, there's very little space for Louis to lie on, but he doesn't mind. He's lying on his side, his head on Harry's shoulder, as he cries some more. 

'I have missed you so incredibly much,' Louis says after a while. Harry nods against Louis' head, as if trying to say 'I know'. Suddenly, Harry tries to speak, but the word is nothing more than a sound . 

'Do you want water?' Louis leans on his elbow to look at Harry. Harry shakes his head. 'Boys.' 

Louis stiffens. 'You want to see the boys?' When Harry nods, Louis has to think fast. He can't tell him about William, not yet. 'They're at home, you'll see them soon.' He feels terrible lying to Harry, but he figures the truth is much more painful. 

He lowers his head to Harry's chest again, focusing on the sound and the feeling of his heartbeat, trying to grasp that he's really there, and alive, and awake. The door opens and Louis turns his head to look at Anne walking through it. 'Oh, my boy!' she cries. 'You're finally back!' 

Louis sits up, but he doesn't want to get off the bed. He wants to feel Harry as long as possible, afraid he'll lose him again. He takes his hand and kisses the back of it over and over again. Harry smiles lovingly before turning his head to face his mother. She leans down and hugs him as tight as she can, crying hysterically. Louis has finally stopped, but the sound of Anne's sobs makes him start again. He lets himself fall back on the bed, not letting go of Harry's hand, and cries. 

Anne is whispering things in Harry's ear that Louis can't hear, and that's okay. He switches to his side again and takes in all of Harry. Even though he's under a sheet, the beautiful lank shape of his body is still visible. His skin is pale because he hasn't been out in the sun, of course. It looks almost silky. And his hair... Louis could talk about his hair for hours. 

'I'm going to get us some coffee,' Anne suddenly says. 'You take care of my son.' She kisses Harry's cheek and then smiles at Louis before leaving the room. 

Louis doesn't mind that she's there – of course she is – but it's nice to be alone with Harry for a little while. When Harry speaks, his voice is even more morbid than usual, the tones leaving his mouth slowly. 'Kiss me.' Louis presses himself up a bit to look at Harry. 'Really, you want me to kiss you?' Louis laughs, but Harry isn't joking. It's crazy, because they've been together for so long and have kissed an uncountable amount of times, but Louis feels like he's going to kiss Harry for the first time. Butterflies enter his stomach as Louis slowly lowers his face to Harry's. His warm breath touches Louis' lips and skin, giving him goosebumps. Louis gently caresses Harry's cheek when it happens. Their lips touch. Louis kissed him just this afternoon, but it's so different this time. This time, he feels Harry's lips pressing up to his as well, even though it's light. They don't move, they just keep their lips pressed against each others'. Louis squeezes his eyes shut, trying to capture all that he's feeling. Mostly, he feels love. His own love for Harry, but also Harry's love for him. He doesn't know how he's managed to live so long without it. Maybe he hasn't – not really. 

When Louis pulls away and opens his eyes, he asks, 'Can you wrap your arms around me?' Harry laughs weakly and nods, opening his arms for Louis. Louis makes himself comfortable against Harry's body – his head on his chest, his arm around his waist, and one leg across Harry's. Harry closes his arms and gently strokes Louis' back, giving him light kisses on top of his head. 

Louis hasn't felt this save in a long time. He's a bit shorter than Harry, and whenever he's so close to him, he feels small. He doesn't mind feeling small, because it makes him feel like Harry will protect him, even though Louis' had to protect Harry for most of their relationship. He doesn't mind that either. 

'Oh, look at you two.' Anne enters the room with two paper cups of coffee. 'I'm getting emotional over here.'

When she offers Louis one of the cups, he refuses. 'I want to lay here a little longer,' he murmurs as he presses his body even closer to Harry's, if that's possible. Harry chuckles and kisses his head again. After he drinks some water he says, 'It's good to be back.'

Anne leans forward to hold his hand. 'Are you okay, though, sweetie?' Her voice turns from happy to worried. Louis can't blame her, he's still worried too. Maybe even more, because now that he has him back, he really doesn't want to lose him again. 

'I'm surprisingly well.' The words leave Harry's mouth slowly – even slower than usual, but speaking is getting easier for him. He now just sounds like someone who's really tired, like he just woke up – which he did, of course. 

Anne lets go of his hand to stir her coffee, so Harry moves it back to Louis. This time he places it on his head, gently stroking his hair. 

'What did they tell you?' Anne asks.

Harry clears his throat and drinks some more water. 'I just know that there's been an accident a little over five months ago and that I've been in a coma ever since.'

'Do you remember the accident?' Louis murmurs against Harry's chest. When Harry says that he doesn't, Louis feels a sigh of relief move through his body. Partly because he was scared that Harry might remember feeling pain, but mostly because he was scared that he'd remember what happened to William that night. 

'You can tell me that story some other time, though,' Harry says. 'I want to hear fun things right now. How is Gemma?'

Anne tells Harry about all that his sister's been up to, starting with that they moved out to LA after Harry's accident. Gemma met a guy there and decided she's going to stay, so she got a job and she's looking to buy a house. 

By the time Doctor Sawyer enters the room, Anne is still telling Harry about their friends and family, but Louis doesn't hear her stories anymore because he's half asleep, lazy from Harry's warmth. 

'I'm sorry to disturb you guys, but Harry should get some sleep.' Doctor Sawyer is just as kind as ever, with her calm voice and warm smile. 

'He's just been asleep for five months,' Louis murmurs in a whiny voice. 

Doctor Sawyer laughs and says, 'That's true, but even though he's awake now, he still needs his rest.'

'Can Lou stay, though?' Harry manages to get out suppressing a yawn. The doctor hesitates but can't refuse Harry's pleading face, so eventually she gives in. 'Okay then, but only if he sleeps in a different bed. I'll have one rolled in here.'

'Shouldn't you go home to the kids?' Harry asks Louis as if he totally forgot about them. 

'Actually, they're with Liam and Zayn. I'll explain it tomorrow.' Louis takes his cellphone out of his back pocket and sends Liam a text saying he's sleeping at the hospital and that he'll call them in the morning.

In the meantime, Doctor Sawyer calls one of the nurses to tell them to get Louis a bed, and she makes some small talk with Anne while they wait for the bed to arrive. When it does, Louis pushes himself up and stretches, yawning heavily. He kisses Harry before walking over to his own bed. After taking off his shoes and hoodie, he climbs in the bed. It's not exactly comfortable, but it'll do. He's happy that he doesn't have to go home tonight, even though he can't sleep in Harry's bed. Being in the same room is enough for now. 

Doctor Sawyer is the first one to leave the room after informing them that she'll visit in the morning to check on Harry. It takes a while for Anne to leave, because she can't stop crying while saying bye to Harry. When she finally manages to leave his bedside, she walks over to Louis' and kisses him on his forehead. 'Take care of my baby. I'll see you two tomorrow, but call me immediately if something happens.'

'We'll be fine, mom, don't worry.' Harry sounds weary, but Louis detects a smile in the way he says it. 

When she's gone, it's quiet for a while. Louis wants to talk to Harry, but he figures it wouldn't be fair since he really needs to rest, so instead he just lies on his back and stares at the tiles on the ceiling. By the time he finally starts to doze off, Harry's voice brings him back. 'Lou, can you please come lie with me?' By the sound of his voice, Louis can tell that Harry is half asleep too. He gets out of the bed and tiptoes to Harry's, climbs in it, and wraps his arms around him. 

Louis whispers, 'This is bad, we're doing exactly what we aren't supposed to do.'

'I know, that's why I love it.'

They both giggle. 

While they lie in silence for a while, Louis realizes that he wants Harry to never let him go again, so he softly starts singing, 'Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me go, 'cause I'm tired of sleeping alone–'

Harry jokingly slaps Louis' arm. 'That's my song, you dick.'

'Well, as far as I know, you've always loved my dick.' Louis giggles, but Harry's voice sounds serious when he says, 'About that... Has there been anyone else?'

'On my dick?' Louis laughs, but Harry doesn't.

'Lou, I'm being serious. Have you been... intimate with anyone? Physically or emotionally.'

When Louis realizes he's asking this in all seriousness, he stops laughing. 'No, of course not.'

'It's just... I was gone for five months so I – I wouldn't hold it against you if–' Harry tries to play it off cool, like he really wouldn't mind it, but the sadness in his voice gives him away. Louis turns around and grabs Harry's face. 'Babe, look at me. There hasn't been anyone else and there never will be anyone else 'cause I only want you, okay?'

Harry nods but says, 'I just want you to know that it would be okay if–' 'Haz, stop.' Louis strokes the side of Harry's face with his thumb. 'Don't do this to yourself, there is no reason to, I promise.'

Like he's mad at himself for even thinking it, Harry shakes his head. 'I know, I'm sorry.' 

Louis gently presses his lips against Harry's. 'Don't apologize. I knew you were going to ask me this sooner or later.' 

Harry nods and kisses him back. 'How are William and James?'

'They are fine, you'll see for yourself tomorrow. Go to sleep now.' Louis climbs out of the bed and puts the sheet back in its place. Stroking Harry's hair, he says, 'Sweet dreams, baby. And please wake up this time.'

They both laugh softly, trying not to make too much noise, and Harry wishes Louis a good night as well. When Louis is back in his bed, he lays on his side, staring at Harry, who is lying on his back with his eyes closed. He can't escape Harry's questions about the kids much longer, but he has no idea how or when he should tell him about William. He seems to be doing well and everything's looking good. Louis doesn't want to be the one to ruin that, but he can't let anyone else do it. He has to be the one to tell Harry the worst news imaginable.

 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis finally tells Harry about William's death.

 

 

Twelve

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

L ouis wakes up before Harry does, and for a minute he wonders where he is, but then it all comes back to him. At first, a rush of happiness comes over him when he sees Harry peacefully sleeping on his side, but then sadness hits him like a ton of bricks. He has to tell Harry about William, and he has to tell him today. There's a lump in his throat and he's so nervous that it's making him nauseous. 

After he climbs out of the bed and puts on his shoes, he slips out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. He sits down on the toilet to think of a plan, but quickly turns around when he feels something rise inside his body. He vomits over and over again until there is nothing left in his stomach. When he's sure he won't throw up again, he walks over to the sink and washes his mouth and hands. Looking up, he sees his reflection in the mirror. His skin used to be a vale shade of gray, but it's now plain white. The bags under his eyes have never been bigger. 'Pull yourself together, Tommo,' he whispers as he rushes his hand through his hair. 

He decides to call Niall because his phone is still in his back pocket, but the Irish lad has no advice except to just tell him, and Louis knows he's right. Even though he'd rather not do it alone, Louis refuses Niall's offer to come to the hospital and be there when he tells Harry. After Niall wishes him good luck, Louis inhales deeply and walks back into the bedroom, to find Harry's awake. 

'Hey Lou, where did you go?' Harry is sitting up straight in his bed with a huge smile on his face.

'Just the bathroom.' Louis tries to hide how nervous he is, but his voice sounds absent. 

'Are you okay?' Harry asks worried. 'You look terrible.'

Louis grins weakly. 'Thanks, man. But yeah, I'm fine.'

'Come here, then.' Harry opens his arms and Louis walks over to his bedside to bury himself in them. Harry's gentle touch and warmth make Louis want to cry, but he tries to be strong. 'Can you go get the boys? I really want to see them.' Harry's smile disappears when he sees Louis' face – his eyes are filled with tears and his lips are trembling. 

'I lied to you before and I'm so sorry, but it was for your best interest.' Louis' voice is shaky, just like his body. All the grief from the first few days after William's death come rushing back to him like a tsunami. 

'What did you lie about?' Harry's voice is nothing more but a whisper and concern has taken over his expression. 

Louis sighs, trying to push back the tears. 'I have thought of a million ways to say what I'm about to tell you, and I've come to the conclusion that none of them are any less painful than the others, so I'm just going to say it.' This is it, he can't go back now. He pinches the bridge of his nose and covers his eyes with his hand, like Harry won't see his tears this way. 'William's gone.'

The words hang in the room like a thundercloud, and Louis' sobs are the rumble before the lightning. 

'W- what do you mean, William's gone?' Harry's voice is shaky too, but it's filled with disbelieve and denial. 

Louis wipes the tears from his face and tries to regain some strength. He continues to sob while he explains it. 'The night of the fire, you passed out while you were trying to save William. The tent collapsed on top of you, and he didn't survive it.' 

At first Harry just opens his mouth without being able to get any words out, his eyes filled with tears, but then it comes – the lightning. Tears streaming down his face, he just says 'oh my God' over and over again. The same tsunami that came over Louis just moments ago, now hits Harry as his body moves uncontrollably trying to stay afloat. Not knowing how to process all the emotions, he kicks the sheet off the bed and swings his arms at nothing. He grabs his hair so hard that Louis thinks he might pull some out. 'Harry,' Louis whispers between sobs, but he knows there's no use. Harry doesn't hear him over his own crying. 

Suddenly the door swings open and a nurse walks in. 'What the hell is– Oh my God.' She rushes over to Harry's bed and holds his body, trying to calm him down. Louis sits down on his own bed, sobbing with his hands in his hair. 'What happened?' The nurse sounds more angry than concerned. 

'I had to tell him about our son. He kept asking about him and–'

'Get out.' She doesn't look at Louis, but keeps her eyes on Harry, who is still swinging his limbs at air, trying to escape from her grasp. 

'But I- I can't leave him.' 

'Louis, please just leave the room.' This time she does turn her head to look at Louis, and he sees that she actually is concerned. He figures she's just doing what she thinks is best, so he gets up and walks towards the door. Before he opens it, he looks at Harry one more time, and sees that he hasn't calmed down one bit. As Louis walks out of the room, he hears Harry scream, 'My boy.'

 

Louis sits down on one of the chairs lined up against the wall in the hallway. A couple of people walking by him look at him in concern, but no one bothers to comfort him. He doesn't mind, though, because he would probably send them away, anyway. 

Because he doesn't think he'll be able to speak from all the crying, he texts Niall to ask him to come to the hospital. While Louis waits for him to arrive, he goes to the bathroom and splashes his face with cold water, washing away the tears. This time he doesn't look in the mirror because he knows he wouldn't like what he'd see. 

When Louis sits back down on the chair he was sitting on before, a male nurse offers him a cup of water, and he accepts it with both hands. 'Do you have anyone coming?' the nurse asks. When Louis tells him that he's waiting for a friend, the nurse offers to wait with him. Not sure why he'd do that, Louis simply nods. They don't talk, they just sit next to each other. The nurse that's with Harry probably warned a colleague, afraid Louis might lose it. 

By the time Niall arrives, Louis is just staring at the wall. The waves of emotions have made place for numbness. He hasn't heard Harry screaming in a while, but the nurse hasn't left the room yet, so he has no idea what's going on. When Niall sees him sitting on the chair, he runs towards him. 

'God, Lou, I jumped in my car the second I saw your text. What happened?' 

The male nurse gets up from his seat, wishes Louis the best of luck, and leaves, making place for Niall. The latter hugs his friend shortly before he sits down. 

'I told him about William and he freaked out.' Louis stares at Niall with big blue eyes, filled with despair. Niall rubs his knee to comfort him when he asks what Harry did exactly. 

'He started crying and swinging his arms and legs. A nurse came in because she heard noise coming from the room, and she told me to leave. She's been with him for a half-hour now. What if something is wrong again, Ni?' 

Louis rests his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes. Even though he's stopped crying, his eyes still hurt from the salty water flowing through them before. 

'We don't know that, Lou. Maybe he's calmed down and they're talking.'

'But wouldn't he want to see me if he's calmed down?' Louis lowers his hands to look at Niall. 'Maybe he's mad at me and he doesn't want to talk to me.'

Niall shakes his head and grabs one of Louis' hands. 'Mate, don't beat yourself up like this. Harry has no reason to be mad at you, I'm sure he knows that. Just give him some time and you'll get to see him soon.' 

Louis nods, looking down at his hand in Niall's. 'It's weird, I've thought of different scenarios – you know, of what would happen if Harry woke up – and this wasn't one of them. Of course I expected him to go crazy and cry, but I always thought I'd be the one to comfort him.'

'I know.' Niall rubs the back of Louis' hand with his thumb. 'But I swear you will be, because Harry needs you. You've always been the only one who could really calm him down.' When Louis doesn't respond, Niall says, 'Do you remember when we used to be on the road and at the end of every tour we'd all just be exhausted – physically, but also emotionally? We would argue about the stupidest things and Harry was always the one to take that kind of stuff to heart and he'd end up crying. He would always turn to you. No matter what we said or did to comfort him, he always ended up going to you. Even if you were asleep, he'd just wake you up and tell you what was bothering him, and you always let him. I refuse to believe that that's changed, nor that it ever will. Maybe he will be hard to deal with right now because he is heartbroken, but he will turn to you eventually.'

Louis nods again, but this time he looks at Niall and there's a faint smile on his face. 'I remember.' After a while he asks, 'Did you talk to Zayn and Liam today?' 

'Yeah, I called them from my car and promised I'll call them later to let them know what's happening.'

'Okay, good.'

They sit in silence a little longer before the door to Harry's room finally opens and the nurse walks out. Louis jumps up and grabs her arm. 'What's going on?'

She sighs and rushes her free hand through her long brown hair. 'He's asleep. I couldn't calm him down, so I gave him some sleeping pills.'

'You did what?' Louis' voice is high and loud. 'Why didn't you just let me calm him down? He has to get through this, you can't just put him to sleep!' 

The nurse stays calm, ignoring Louis' anger. 'I know, Louis, but he woke up from a coma mere hours ago. His body and mind can't handle this right now.' 

'So what if he wakes up and he freaks out again, will you give him more pills?' Louis' voice is a little calmer, but he's still angry. He needs to talk to Harry and know he's alright, but he can't do that right now. 

'It depends, we'll see.'

'Depends on what? I want to talk to my husband about our son's death and you just put him to sle-'

She puts up her hand to stop him and shakes her head. 'You two are going through a hard time –' When Louis opens his mouth to interrupt her, she puts up her hand again and he closes it. 'You two are going through a hard time, I get that, but please understand and respect his situation. His muscles haven't moved in over five months. The way he was just kicking his legs and swinging his arms, that's too much for his muscles to handle right now. Don't even get me started on his brain activity.' She rubs her forehead thinking of what else to say. 'I don't blame you for telling him, I really don't. But please understand that we are doing the best that we can to help him, and putting him to sleep seemed like the best option for now. I figure he will wake up in about two hours. You can sit by his bed and wait for him to wake up, if you want, but I think it might be better for you to just go home and take some time to process everything that's happened over the past 24 hours.' 

At first Louis refuses to go home, but Niall convinces him that he should. 'You could just take a quick shower and talk to James, and we'll be back here in an hour.'

Louis nods and slips back into the room to go get his hoodie. He doesn't look at Harry once and without having anything left to say, he leaves. 

 

Louis has completely forgotten about the paparazzi, until they step out of the building. As soon as the photographers see them, they point their cameras and start flashing pictures, blinding Louis and Niall. They keep shouting questions at them, but they don't respond. When they've nearly made it through the crowd, someone stops Louis. It's a journalist that works for a TV-show, and Louis thinks about what he said about giving a onetime statement when Harry wakes up. 

'Louis, can you tell us anything about Harry's condition?'

Louis thinks fast and looks at Niall for help, who nods, encouraging him to answer. He clears his throat before he says, 'Yes, I would like to make a onetime statement. I'm happy to inform you that Harry has woken up and that he is doing relatively good. I would also like to respond to the rumors about our marriage by saying that we are not getting a divorce, and that I don't think we ever will. The past five months have been very hard for me and our son, and the upcoming months will be hard for us all, especially for Harry, so I would appreciate it if you'd respect our privacy from now on and let us recover from this as a family. Thank you.'

He nods at the camera and then turns away. The paparazzi shout more questions at him, but Niall navigates him to the car. 

 

When they arrive at the house, only Zayn is there. Liam took James to the shopping mall to remove him from the tension in the house. Apparently he's been asking questions about if Louis was with Harry and he figured out that Harry's awake. Because he kept asking if he could go see him, they decided to distract him by doing something fun. Zayn stayed at the house in case Louis or Niall came back. 

Louis tells him about what happened while he has breakfast. He doesn't eat much, because his stomach still feels weird. When he's finished eating his one sandwich, he goes upstairs to take a shower. What he doesn't tell his friends, is that he's going into William's room. Thinking that the day couldn't get any worse, he feels like this is the right time to do it. He doesn't bother to open the door slowly, he just swings it open, like ripping off a band aid. 

The room has the same colors as James' – light brown carpet on the floor, light blue curtains, and white furniture with light blue letters on them. The only difference is that James got a bed for his third birthday, and William still has a crib. He looks inside it to see the urn. It's not one of those boring dark-colored urns that looks like an ancient vase, but a more child friendly one. Louis had it designed three days after the accident when he, strangely enough, could still think straight, before the depression kicked in. He wanted to make something he knew Harry would agree with, and since Harry had chosen the colors for the baby rooms, Louis figured it would be a good idea to use those colors. The urn has the form of a cube, with a butterfly standing on top of it – the exact same butterfly that Harry has tattooed on his stomach. The box is white, with light blue letters on it. So far it only says,

_William Edward Styles_

_January 17_ _th_ _2021 – November 25_ _th_ _2023_

Louis is planning on having a poem written on it someday, but he doesn't want to decide which one without Harry's approval. There is a little paper plane drawn on one of the sides of the box. Harry used to wear a necklace with the same paper plane as the hanger on it that William loved to play with, and Louis has it tattooed on his arm, so he thought it would be a nice way to connect them. The paper plane is pointing upwards in the drawing, like it's flying up to the sky. 

Sitting next to the urn is a stuffed purple elephant, that Harry got William the day he got James' stuffed purple monkey. Louis picks it up and hugs it, looking for William's scent, but it's barely there. Some days he thinks he can smell it from memory, but most days it's nothing more than that. When he puts it back in the crib, he rests his fingers on the urn. He's never been one to believe in spiritual stuff, but he still feels like he should ask William for help, so he whispers, 'Daddy is really hurting right now, William, and he needs strength. Could you send that to him?' For no logical reason, he waits for an answer, but when it doesn't come, he leaves the room and shuts the door behind him. 

 

After telling Zayn what toys, movies and foods James likes, him and Niall get back in the car. Louis tells him that he's been in William's room, and Niall makes sure he knows how proud he is of him. According to Niall it proves how strong Louis is, and that that is all Harry needs right now – for him to be strong. Louis knows what he means and he feels good about himself. When they walk through the crowd of photographers in front of the hospital, he doesn't push them away, but smiles and even waves at some of the cameras. For a minute he feels like everything will be okay. Sure, Harry will be sad for a while, but Louis will help him through it and they will be happy together soon. 

Unfortunately, all his positivity vanishes like frost under the sun when he enters Harry's room to find him lying on the floor next to his bed in a puddle of vomit, crying like a baby. 

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

 

 

Thirteen

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

T he sight of Harry breaks Louis' heart. He's lying on the floor, unable to move. He looks too weak to even cry, but he can't stop it. His hospital pajamas aren't in their place, twisted around his legs and torso. Louis figures he rolled off the bed, causing them to wrap themselves around him. Fortunately, the cord connected to the heart monitor is long, so it's still attached to him. The tube that's supposed to feed him is lying on the bed, the pink liquid leaking onto the mattress. 

Louis tells Niall to leave before he slowly crosses the room to where Harry is, trying not to startle him. When he puts his hand on Harry's shoulder, Harry turns his head slightly – not far enough for their gazes to meet, but Louis can see the side of his face. It's wet from all the crying, the corner of his eye red. He looks exhausted, like all life's been sucked out of him. When Louis sits down beside him, he feels Harry's vomit drenching his jeans, but he doesn't care because his world is shattered in front of him. He leans back against the nightstand as he gently pulls Harry onto his lap, who sits there like a child – his knees pulled up and his head resting against Louis' chest. Louis wraps his arms around him, stroking his hair and making shushing noises. Harry's body doesn't move as he cries, and he doesn't make a sound. The tears just flow from his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse and barely audible. 'Tell me it was a nightmare, Lou. Tell me it's not true.' Louis softly cradles him, rocking from side to side. It's the exact same movement as when he tries to comfort James, and Harry reminds him so much of him now – a vulnerable, helpless child. 'I'm sorry, Harry.' 

This time, it's not hard for Louis not to cry. He feels like he should be strong for Harry, and not let his emotions get the best of him. He's already been through all of this, but now it's Harry's turn. Louis had to do it without Harry and Lord knows how hard that was, so he wants to give Harry all the support he has inside him. 

'What even happened?' Louis whispers after a while. He's still cradling Harry, because it seems to calm him down. 

'When I woke up I felt like I was going to throw up. I pushed the button to call a nurse, but when no one came, I wanted to go to the bathroom. As soon as I tried to stand, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.' Harry's stopped crying and his voice is quite steady, but distant and full of emotions.

'Oh, Haz.' Louis softly kisses the side of his head.

Suddenly, Harry starts to sob again. 'I feel pathetic.'

'Why?'

'Because I can't even stand on my own damn legs. I just lay in my own vomit.' His voice echoes disgust and shame.

Louis wipes some hair from Harry's forehead. He now feels how hot he is and how much he's sweating. 

'Babe, it's okay. Come on, we're going to take a shower and then I'm going to put you to bed.'

The heart monitor is attached to Harry with a clip on his finger, and Louis removes it to free him. Harry's a lot taller than Louis, but because he's lost some weight over the past months, it's quite easy for Louis to pick him up and carry him to the bathroom. The shower is one of those big ones that wheelchairs fit in. Standing next to the sink is a stool, and Louis puts it in the shower for Harry to sit on. He first quickly takes off his own clothes and then gently removes Harry's pajamas and underpants. After Louis turns on the shower, he squats down in front of Harry and lets him rest his head against his shoulder. He strokes Harry's back, making sure the water reaches every spot of his body, and asks, 'Is it too hot?' Harry slowly shakes his head against Louis' neck. 

After ten minutes of sitting like that, Louis squirts some shower gel on a washing cloth and moves it over Harry's body. He doesn't use too much pressure, but lets the cloth slide over his bare skin. Harry groans very softly, letting Louis know that he likes it. When he's done with Harry's body, Louis uses the cloth to wash his own. The water washes away the soap, and Louis grabs a shampoo bottle. He presses himself up and moves around Harry to stand behind him, his hand never leaving Harry's shoulder to support him. Harry leans back against Louis' stomach as he starts washing his hair. Louis' hands make slow motions, using just enough pressure to massage Harry's head. Harry closes his eyes and feels the tension flow out of his body, into the gulley along with the water. After Louis' sure that he's rinsed all of the shampoo out of Harry's hair, he quickly washes his own. After that, he turns off the water and grabs two towels from the rack hanging at the far end of the shower – one for Harry, and one for himself. He wraps one around his waist, and uses the other to rub Harry's hair until it's damp instead of wet. Leaning forward, he uses the same towel to dry Harry's body – first his shoulders, than his back, his stomach, his arms, his thighs, his legs, and his feet. When he's finished, he asks, 'Can you sit without my support? I have to go back to the room to get you clean pajamas.' Because Harry nods and smiles faintly, Louis quickly dries himself off, and then walks out of the bathroom and opens the cupboard standing opposite Harry's bed. There are a few pajamas and some underpants on the shelf, and he grabs a pair of both for Harry, and a pair of pajamas for himself because his clothes are still dirty from Harry's vomit. He closes the cupboard and walks back to the bathroom. He's relieved when he sees Harry still sitting on the stool. It seems to be hard for him, though, because he's leaning forward with his forearms on his legs.

'Almost ready for bed,' Louis says smiling. Harry tries to smile back, but every movement seems to require more energy than his body offers.

Louis dresses Harry quickly, trying not to hurt him in the process. When he's finished, he puts his own underpants on, and then grabs the pair of pajamas. They're Harry's and therefore too big for Louis, so he rolls up the sleeves and pipes. He quickly brushes Harry's teeth and tongue, so that the bitter taste of vomit no longer lingers in his mouth. 

Harry wraps his arms around Louis' neck so that he can pick him up and carry him back into the room. Louis walks over to the bed that was rolled in for him last night, because Harry's sheets are covered in tube feeding. He pulls back the sheet, and lays Harry down on the mattress. After covering him up, he kisses his lips and strokes his hair. 'I'm going to clean up the mess and then I'll come lie with you. Just go to sleep if you want.' Harry already has his eyes closed, but he opens them shortly to look at Louis, letting a tear escape from the corner of his eye, when he whispers, 'Thank you, Lou.' 

 

Louis finds a mop and a bucket in the closet standing next to the door that he uses to clean up the puddle of vomit. After he puts them back, he grabs a vase from the cabinet under the sink to hang the feeding tube in. He then pulls the sheets off of Harry's bed and takes them outside of the room. A couple of meters down the hall he sees one of those huge laundry hampers on wheels, and he throws the sheets in it. He then looks for a nurse and finds the one who first told him that Harry could be waking up from his coma. 

'Excuse me,' he asks as he walks up to her. She laughs when she sees him and says, 'Interesting outfit.' He blushes as he looks down at the pajamas hanging loosely around his body. 

'Yeah, we had an accident that I'd like to talk about.'

'An accident?' She lays the file she's holding on the counter behind her and turns back to Louis. 

Louis nods and explains, 'Harry rolled off his bed to throw up, and the feeding tube was pulled out of his nose during the fall.'

'He threw up after the tube was pulled out?' 

'I think so, I wasn't there, I found him lying on the floor in his vomit.'

She nods. 'Well, it sounds like it was pulled out before he threw up, which is good, because then it's unlikely that any of the tube feeding got into his longs.'

Louis ignores her statement and asks, 'Do we have to put the tube back in?'

'Not necessarily. I think it's a good opportunity to see how his body reacts to solid food. We could always put the tube back in later. I'll discuss it with Doctor Sawyer. What did you do when you found him? 

Louis crosses his arms and leans against the counter. 'I gave him a shower, dressed him in clean pajamas and put him in the other bed. I think he's asleep now. Then I cleaned the floor and threw the dirty sheets in the laundry. I put the feeding tube in a vase.' When she just smiles at him without saying anything, he shrugs and says, 'What?' She smiles even wider, now showing her teeth. 'You're a good husband, you know that?' He thinks about this and smiles back. 'I hope so.'

'I'll send someone in to make Harry's bed and check on him. I'd tell you to keep an eye on him, but it sounds like you've got everything under control.' 

They smile at each other before they say their goodbyes and both go their own way. Louis slips back into Harry's room – he indeed seems to be asleep. Trying to make as little sound as possible, Louis takes off the pajama shirt, and climbs into bed next to Harry. For some reason, the touch of Harry's arm against his bare chest gives him goosebumps. He shifts a little closer to him, and now most of their bodies are touching. 

'Hey,' Harry suddenly says in a soft voice.

'Did I wake you?' Louis gently kisses Harry's neck.

'No, I wasn't really asleep or awake, I was somewhere in between.' 

Harry wraps his arm around Louis' shoulders and they lie like that for a while. The serene silence ends when Harry sighs and whispers, 'How could this have happened?'

'I don't know.' Louis repositions himself so that he can look up at Harry. 

'The thing is,' Harry says, looking down to meet Louis' gaze – letting green lock with blue. 'That I have no idea how to get through this, and you had to do it by yourself. How did you survive?'

'I'm not sure I did.'

Harry strokes Louis' hair as he asks him to describe what it was like without him. Louis sighs deeply, trying to think of a way to put his feelings into words. 'To be honest, I felt like I was in the ocean and the waves kept trying to pull me under, and you weren't there to pull me up.' He swallows the lump in his throat, and he can feel Harry do the same. 'I have to admit I've thought about really going into the ocean once or twice.'

'To do what?' Harry's whisper gives away that he already knows the answer.

'To let the waves take me under.'

'What stopped you?'

'Hope.' Louis tilts his head a little further so that he can see Harry's green eyes better. They're less bright than usual. 'Hope that you would come back to me one day. And James, of course. I couldn't leave him behind. But there have been times when I was really selfish and I didn't think about James enough. I can't tell you how sorry I am for that.'  Louis lowers his head in shame, leaving Harry's gaze, but Harry holds him a little tighter and says, 'I understand.' 

Louis tries to ignore the emotions rushing through his body, focusing solely on the feeling of being in Harry's arms. He figures that this was how James felt a couple of weeks ago when Louis brought him back his purple monkey after he'd lost it on the beach. 

'Lou?' 'Hm?' 'Do you think I could have saved him?' Louis rubs his eyes to stay awake as he thinks about an answer to Harry's question. 

'No, I don't think so. You did the best you could trying to make your way over to him, but you passed out from the smoke.' When Harry stays quiet, he continues. 'I used to think that I could have done more, if I hadn't taken so long with James, but now I think that I would have passed out too. There was nothing that could have saved him.'

'James is okay, though, right?' Harry suddenly sounds worried and he pulls away a bit to look at Louis. 

'James is perfect.' Louis smiles at the thought of him and wonders what he's doing right now. Maybe he's still at the mall with Liam. 

'Okay, good.' Harry relaxes and pulls Louis closer again. 'You said something about Liam and Zayn last night, what did you mean?' 

'Because I wasn't doing very well – without you, and all – Niall thought it was a good idea to have them come here, so he called them and they arrived two days later.' Louis smiles, still grateful for his friends. 'They've been here for about a week now.' 

'That's nice.' At the sound of his voice, Louis can tell that Harry's eyes are closed and he smiles again, struck by the realization of how well he actually knows him. 'How are they?'

'Hm, I'd say okay, but I'm not sure. Liam is getting a divorce.'

'Really?' 

'Yeah, Sophia says he's not the man he used to be, or something. Zayn's not sure he wants to stay with Perrie, either.'

'Is Niall still single?'

Louis laughs. 'Yeah.'

'Well, at least some things never change.' Harry laughs his low, kind laugh. 

The door swings open and Doctor Sawyer walks in, along with a nurse who's carrying clean sheets. As the latter walks over to the empty bed to make it, Doctor Sawyer laughs at the sight of Harry and Louis in bed together. 'Inseparable. How are we today, Harry? Heard you had a little accident.'

'You mean the one with the fire and my almost death?' 

Doctor Sawyer laughs softly, unsure whether she should. 'No, I mean the one this morning. You fell out of bed and threw up? 

'Yeah, I pushed the button but no one came to help me, what is that about?' He sounds annoyed, but, in a way that only Harry knows how, remains to sound friendly. 

'I am very sorry about that.' Doctor Sawyer's cheeks turn red and she quickly looks away. 'Did you hurt anything?'

Harry shakes his head. 'No, I don't think so.'

'Good. I wasn't surprised to hear that Louis took good care of you. Thank you for that, Louis.' Louis nods in gratitude with his eyes closed, his head still resting on Harry's shoulder, who kisses the top of Louis' head. Doctor Sawyer smiles endeared before she says, 'We're taking the feeding tube away for now, and I'd like to see you eat some solid food later. Are you up for that?' Harry nods. 'Great! We'll leave you two lovebirds alone for now. Louis, please remember that Harry needs his sleep. And lots of water.'

Harry laughs and says, 'I've always slept best with him by my side, so don't worry. Besides, I think he'll be asleep within five minutes himself.' 

Louis groans softly in protest, but Harry's right. He got so little sleep last night, that he's exhausted. The warmth of Harry's body against his bare chest doesn't help, either. 

Doctor Sawyer laughs again, says, 'Bye, guys,' and leaves the room together with the nurse. 

As soon as they're gone, Harry rests his head against Louis' and with the sound of Louis' snoring as his lullaby, he falls asleep.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to write a new chapter, guys. I was experiencing a bit of a writer's block, but hopefully I'm over it. If there is anything you'd like to happen in the story, please let me know in a comment :)

 

Fourteen

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

I t's two in the afternoon when Louis wakes up. Apparently they've switched places in their sleep, because Harry's head is now on Louis' shoulder – still sleeping. Louis softly kisses Harry's forehead and looks around for his phone. When he can't find it, he figures it's still in the back pocket of his jeans, so he gently moves Harry from his shoulder to the mattress, and slips out of the bed. He tiptoes across the room and through the bathroom door, closing it behind him. His jeans are on the floor, so he squats down to grab his phone, trying not to touch the stains. Unlocking his phone with a slide of his thumb, he sits down on the toilet to see that he has 16 missed calls – four from Niall, two from Zayn, and ten from Anne. He decides to call the latter first, and tells her that everything is fine. He doesn't mention Harry's fall from before, because he doesn't want her to worry. Harry seems to be okay now, so there is no use in bringing it up. She tells him that she'll stop by at the hospital that night, together with Gemma and Robin. When she hangs up the phone, Louis calls Niall, who answers immediately. He was worried about Harry after they found him lying on the floor that morning, and when Louis wouldn't answer his phone, he thought something was seriously wrong. Apparently, Niall is at the house with James, Zayn and Liam, so he tells them what happened as Louis explains it, repeating every word. Louis asks him if James is there, because he doesn't want him to hear such stories about his father, but he's playing on the back porch. When Niall asks if they can come to the hospital – all four of them – Louis hesitates, but eventually says they can. He gives Niall a list of things to bring – clean clothes, underwear, and a toothbrush. 

Louis sneaks back into the room and grabs two glasses from the counter to fill them with water. When he slips back in the bed, Harry wakes up with a yawn. He takes one of the glasses from Louis, and finishes it at once. 

'Thirsty?' Louis laughs. Harry nods, but the look in his eyes tells Louis that he's not thirsty for water. Louis lets him kiss him, but when Harry's hand slides down his stomach and into his pajama pants, he pulls it away. 'Haz, what are you doing?' His breathing is heavy. 

'I'm not going to do anything,' Harry whispers into Louis' neck as he tries to slip his hand down Louis' pants again. 'I just want to feel it.'

Louis turns away and swings his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting up straight. Harry straightens himself to sit behind him, and lays his  big  hands on Louis' shoulders  to  massag e them. The feeling of Harry's hands on his body turns Louis on, but he can't help but feel weird about it. 

'What's wrong, Lou?' Harry strokes a strand of hair on Louis' neck aside before he kisses the spot that he knows Louis can't resist, but Louis pulls away again. 

'I just don't get it.' Louis turns around to face Harry, laying one leg on the bed. He bends it to sit on his foot. 'You were a total wreck just hours ago and now you want to... touch me.'

'I know.' Harry tries to end the conversation by leaning in to kiss his husband, but Louis lays his hand on Harry's chest to stop him. 

'I expected you to be devastated after I told you about William, not to be trying to have sex with me–'

'I'm not trying to have sex with you.' Harry tries to look offended, but his grin gives him away.

'You kissed my soft spot. It may have been over five months, but I still know what you do to turn me on.' He can't help but grin back before his expression becomes more serious again. 'But really, Harry, why aren't you heartbroken?' 

'Believe me, I am.' Harry sighs and rushes one hand through his hair, while he holds Louis' on his chest with the other as he lays back down. 'I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm not quite sure how to feel, because of course I'm extremely sad and angry about what happened to William, but at the same time I'm so happy to be with you again and to know that you and James are okay. To be honest, I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again and that gives me so much energy. I guess the sadness will kick in once we're back home and I'm used to being with you again. Everything's just quite surreal still.'

Louis nods while he plays with Harry's fingers, letting Harry's words sink in. 'What was it like? Like, did you miss me, or anything? Were you able to think at all?'

'It was kind of like I was dreaming, so I'm not sure what really happened and what didn't. I remember knowing that you were with me and that I couldn't say or do anything to let you know that I knew. It was very frustrating.'

Louis nods again, blinking at Harry. Suddenly, his lower lip starts to tremble and tears start forming in his eyes. Harry lets go of Louis' hand and he moves his own to Louis' cheek, stroking it with his thumb. 'Sweetie, there's no need to cry. I'm here now, and I'm not planning on leaving you again.'

'I know.' Louis wipes the tears from his eyes before they get the chance to roll down. 'I have a surprise for you.'

'You're going to fuck me?' Harry grins, knowing that that is not what Louis is talking about.

'Harry, stop,' Louis giggles. 'I will, soon, but not in such a creepy place as a hospital.'

'Quite kinky, though, knowing that a nurse could walk in at any time. He or she might want to join us.' They both laugh. 'No, really, what's the surprise?'

'Niall's on his way here.' When Harry's face lights up, Louis adds, 'With Zayn, Liam and... James.'

Harry looks at his hand as he strokes Louis' thigh and smiles. 'I don't understand why, but that is a surprise. It was bound to happen soon, but my heart just skipped a beat. I can't wait to see them.'

Louis smiles back, and he suddenly throws himself on top of Harry, who puffs laughing when Louis lands on him. They wrap their arms around each other and start to kiss, but stop when they hear the door open and Niall's Irish accent fills the room. 

'Zayn, cover James' eyes, they are doing something kids do not want to see.' 

'Daddy!' James wrestles himself free from Zayn's arms and runs over to the bed. Louis quickly jumps down and puts on the pajama shirt that he threw on the floor earlier. 

'James.' Tears start streaming down Harry's face as soon as he hears his voice. The boy tries to climb on the bed but fails, so Louis lifts him and hands him over to Harry. James wraps his little arms around Harry's neck as Harry holds him tight, sobbing loud. 

'Oh, I've missed you. Why are you so big?' Harry asks in between sobs. 'I was only gone for five months.'

'I am three now, daddy!' James pulls away a bit and proudly puts three fingers in the air. Everyone in the room laughs, but they are all soft laughs, muted by tears. 

'Yes, you are,' Harry laughs. 'Yes, you are.'

Niall crosses the room to where Louis is standing and hugs him, while they both cry on each others' shoulders. Because Niall has been by Louis' side through everything, he knows how important this moment is, but it is also very emotional for himself and a huge relief. He takes a step back and holds Louis' face with both his hands. 'It will all be alright now.' Louis nods and they embrace each other again. 

'Do you know what daddy got me for my birthday?' James asks in a happy voice. It's been three and a half months since his birthday, but that was one of the hardest days for him. He didn't understand why Harry and William weren't there to celebrate it with him, so maybe now he feels like they can make up for it.

'No, but I'm sure it's something great.' Harry wipes some of the tears from his face, even though he's still crying. 

'He got me a pedal car!' 

Louis can't help but laugh and cry at the same time, because he's full of all kinds of emotions. Apparently Harry feels the same way, because he laughs with a shaky voice when he says, 'That is awesome, Jay.'

When Niall lets go off Louis, Harry calls him over to his bed. 'I'm sure you've taken good care of my man.' Niall leans forward to hug him as he says, 'I've tried to.'

'You have, Ni. You've been a great friend.' Louis pats him on the back before he turns around to look at Liam and Zayn. 'Speaking of great friends, move a bit closer, lads.' 

They've been standing in the corner of the room, trying to give Harry room to reunite with his family and Niall, but now that Louis invites them, they gladly cross the room to the bed. 

'Hey Hazza, how are you?' 

'We've missed you, man.' Liam lays his hand on Harry's shoulder. 'I'm sorry it took us an accident to realize that.'

Harry opens his arms and hugs them one at a time. 'It's okay. Everything's okay.'

'I just can't wait to take him home,' Louis says grinning. 

'Someone's being impatient.' Zayn laughs back at Louis.

'Yeah, what do you think? It's been quiet  around the house without him, I can't wait for him to boss me around again.'

'Hey,' Harry says offended. 'I don't boss you around.'

Louis laughs again. 'Yeah, Haz, you kind of do. But I love you for it, don't worry.' He winks and Harry blushes. 

'Oh Lou, before I forget,' Niall suddenly says. 'Here's the bag of clothes you requested. I put a razor in there too. I'm not looking forward to another return of the Yeti like the past weeks.'

Sounding a bit worried, Harry asks, 'Was he that bad?'

'It wasn't that bad,' Louis says before Niall can answer. 'I just didn't take very good care of my looks because there wasn't anyone I had to look good for.'

'Nice save.' Niall grins as he hands the bag over to Louis. He grabs it and sticks his tongue out before he heads for the bathroom. 

 

Once he's finally exchanged Harry's pajamas for the clothes Niall brought him – a black pair of skinny jeans and a gray baseball tee with black sleeves – Louis sits down on the toilet to gather his thoughts. Even though he lost sight of James' feelings at some point, he used to dream of him and Harry being reunited, and now that it's happened, he can't seem to believe or understand that it's real. Nothing seems real. He feels like he's in a desert, so thirsty that he's starting to see pools of water. Maybe he misses Harry so much, that he is his water in the lonely desert that his life has become. Maybe he didn't hold Harry, but the palm trees of his oasis. He's afraid that when he opens the bathroom door, he'll see nothing but quicksand, ready to swallow him up. 

His thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. When he opens it, he sees Niall carrying James, who is crying hysterically. Louis takes him in his arms and looks at Niall with questioning eyes. After Niall walks past Louis and closes the door, he says, 'He started crying when he realized you were gone. Harry tried to comfort him, but he kept saying he wanted you.'

'Oh boy.' Louis is cradling James, his head pressed against his chest. 'How is Harry?'

Niall shrugs. 'I think he's a bit shocked and sad, but he understands.'

Louis nods and then turns to James. 'Why all the tears, Jimmy Jam?' He wipes some of James' curls from his forehead and presses his lips against the now visible skin.

'Daddy was gone.' James' voice is shaky, and he just manages to get the words out in between sobs.

'But your other daddy was with you, right?' Louis sighs. 'And when you were with Zayn and Liam, you were fine then.' 

James' sobs become softer and he looks at Louis through watery eyes. 'I guess so.'

'I think it's just the vibe of the hospital and Harry being awake,' Niall says. 'He has to get used to it again.'

Louis rubs James' belly. 'Is that it, baby?' When James nods as his answer, Louis kisses his forehead again and says, 'Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you.'

James buries his face in Louis' neck as he holds him tight.

'Now that we're alone,' Niall says to Louis. 'How are you?'

Louis shrugs. 'I'm fine.'

'No, you're not. I know you well enough to not buy that crap.'

'Then why do you ask?' Louis' voice sounds annoyed but Niall's right, he's never been good at hiding his emotions.

'Because I wanted to give you a chance to be honest with me.' Niall sighs. 'What's wrong?'

Louis shrugs again as he says, 'What is wrong is that I'm terrified.'

Niall frowns. 'Why? I mean, Harry's doing great, right?'

'Yeah, but...' Louis looks at James. 'Can we not discuss this with him in the room?'

'Fine, but we're going to talk about this later.'

Starting to get irritated, Louis sighs loudly. 'You know, Liam and Zayn are a lot easier on me.'

'Well, they weren't here to pick up the pieces when you were miserable. They don't see what's going on.'

Louis rolls his eyes. 'Nothing's going on!'

Niall shakes his head, just as irritated as Louis is. 'Great, your wall's back up. You want to go through this on your own again? Be my guest. But Harry needs you, and James needs you.' Niall stares at Louis with big blue eyes, filled with different emotions – anger, sadness, and despair. 'You were finally becoming the great man that I once knew again. I understand why you let him slip away the last time, but why now?'

Louis is pinned to the ground, having no idea what to do or say.  James seems to be unaware of the argument as he plays with the strands of hair in Louis' neck. When Niall turns around to leave the room, Louis says, 'Ni, I'm sorry.'

Niall shakes his head before he turns it to Louis. 'Don't apologize to me. Apologize to that little boy in your arms, because watching you fall apart was hard for me, but you're his entire world, and you know it.'

When Niall leaves the room, Louis quickly swallows the lump in his throat and follows him. He doesn't want Harry or the other boys to know what just happened. He's mad at himself for not being able to be strong and he hates that Niall sees it. The last thing he wants to happen is for Harry to see it too. 

'Is he okay?' Harry asks when he sees James. He still looks a bit sad. 

Niall looks at Louis with cold eyes and before Louis can answer, Niall says, 'Yeah, hé's fine.' Louis shakes his head slightly with a pleading look in his eyes, begging Niall to not say any more, so Niall grabs his jacket from one of the chairs. 'The air in this place doesn't move, for God's sake. I'm going for a walk.'

Questioning eyes follow him as he makes his way to the door. In a shaky voice, Louis asks if he wants him to come with him, but with a short 'no', Niall leaves.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

 

 

Fifteen

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

I t takes Louis quite some time to convince James that he will be fine without him, but after assuring him that he is only a phone call away, Louis hurries to the elevator. Niall may have said that he didn't want Louis to come, but they need to talk. Louis pushes the button to close the door five times before it finally does.

Finding  Niall turns out to be a lot easier than Louis expected, because he's sitting on one of the benches near the exit door, his hands squeezing his jacket. Louis walks over to him and sits down, without Niall looking up once. Trying to break the tension, Louis says, 'I thought you were going for a walk.'

'I can't. Bloody paparazzi.' Niall keeps his gaze fixed on the wall opposite them. 

Louis inhales deeply before he opens his mouth again. 'Ni, I know I'm not the best version of myself right now, but why are you so mad at me?'

Shaking his head, Niall lowers it to look at the ground. When he finally speaks, his voice is surprisingly calm. 'For months, all you wanted was for Harry to wake up, but now that he  ha s, you're still miserable. I don't get it.'

'I'm not miserable.' Louis' eyes never leave the side of Niall's face, and when he finally looks up, their gazes meet.

'Then what are you?'

'Like I said, I'm terrified.' Louis shrugs. 'I'm scared of lots of things.'

Niall straightens himself. 'I want to ask you something, Louis, and don't you dare lie to me again.' When Louis asks him what he wants to know, he says, 'Does this have anything to do with Christian?' Louis looks away to escape Niall's gaze. 'God, I knew it. Did you tell Harry about him?'

Louis shakes his head as he whispers, 'He asked me if I've been intimate with anyone last night and I said no.'

Laughing sarcastically, Niall shakes his head again. 'A couple of hours. That's how long it took for you to lie to him.'

'What was I supposed to tell him, huh?' Louis' voice sounds somewhere between angry and upset. 'That I was happy to see him, but oh, by the way, a couple of months ago I was so lonely that I decided to get pissed and have a stranger fuck me in the bathroom? Oh, but don't worry, I don't even remember what he looked like.'

'Yes, Louis, you were,' Niall snaps. 'He is your husband, he deserves to know the truth.'

'I know,' Louis snaps back. 'And I will tell him, but not right know.'

Suddenly, Niall throws his jacket on the floor, causing a couple of people in the hallway to look at them. 'So all this crap about feeling guilty wasn't about William, was it?'

Louis lowers his voice, trying to draw the attention away from them. 'Of course I feel guilty about William, that wasn't a lie. But yes, I feel guilty about Christian too.'

'I just don't understand why you lied to him.'

'Let's say I was a little more concerned about telling him that his son died.  Besides, the sex didn't mean anything, so what's the point in telling him right now?'

Niall finally looks at Louis again. 'The way you spent the rest of the night crying on my shoulder because you hated yourself meant something. The way you've been beating yourself up ever since means something.  That's why you need to tell him. You won't stop hating yourself until he tells you that it's okay.'

Louis nods slowly, but his voice breaks as he says, 'But what if he doesn't?'

'He will. He'll understand. Is that what you're so afraid of?' 

'Among other things.'

Niall finally softens up a bit and moves closer to Louis to wrap his arm around him. 'What else?'

Feeling weak, Louis rests his head on Niall's shoulder. 'Mostly what will happen to Harry. I feel like he's in denial about William, and part of me understands, because I only told him this morning, but his mood went from thunder to sunshine. That can't be healthy. I'm afraid I'm nowhere near ready for what's coming.'

Niall nods against Louis' head. 'I understand. I think the most important thing is for the both of you to be honest with each other – about your feelings, I mean. Don't lie anymore.'

They stare at the strangers passing by for a while, wondering what happened to their loved ones for them to be at the hospital. 

'Do you really think I should tell him?' Louis whispers after a couple of minutes.

'I think that the longer you hide the truth, the bigger the lie becomes and the harder it will be to tell him.'

Louis sighs loudly and nods. 'Let's do it.'

 

When they arrive in Harry's room, Niall suggests that he, Liam and Zayn should go. The latter tells Louis that he should call if he wants them to pick up James, but Louis asks them to take him now, so that he can talk to Harry.

'Will you be okay, James? Again, I'm only a phone call away.'

James nods with such a sad face that Louis feels bad about sending him away, but it's what's best for now. Like Niall said, the longer he waits, the harder it will be.

Harry hugs James tight before he watches him walk out of the room with the rest. Settling next to Harry on the bed, Louis feels a rush of nausea coming over him from the nerves.

'Was it nice to see them?'

'Yes, it was lovely.' Harry smiles and wraps his arm around Louis' shoulders. 'What do you want to talk about?'

'You asked me if I've been intimate with anyone else, right?' Louis swallows. 'I wasn't completely honest with you.'

The smile on Harry's face disappears and the hairs on Louis' body stand up. 'You weren't?

Louis shakes his head. 'It happened about two months ago. I was so lonely that I went to a club by myself and I got drunk, more drunk than I've ever been before.'

Harry's eyes start to fill with tears, and Louis can't make out if it's because he's sad for himself or for Louis, so he escapes his gaze as he continues. 'There was a guy. I can't even remember if we talked or danced, or anything. Somehow we ended up in the bathroom and, well, he fucked me. All the while I was crying and he thought it was because he was hurting me, but it wasn't. I was trying to picture you, but he was nothing like you. He wasn't gentle, he didn't hold my hand like you do. He made me feel used instead of loved. So instead of filling the void, he just made it bigger. After he came, he left me on the bathroom floor. It wasn't until the club was closing that the owner found me. She called Niall and he took me home. He helped me sober up and explain it all to him. I think I cried for hours. I couldn't tell you last night. I just couldn't.'

Louis finally dares to look at Harry again and he wipes a tear from Harry's cheek. 'Are you mad at me?'

Not able to get any sound out, Harry mouths 'no'.

'Why not? I am so incredibly mad at myself.' Louis now feels a tear escape from his own eye, but he can't be bothered to wipe it away.

'I know,' Harry says in a hoarse voice. 'Of course I'm sad, but I understand.'

Louis buries his face in Harry's neck, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his entire body against his. 'I am so sorry.'

They both cry while they hold each other tight. Louis cries in loud sobs, while Harry occasionally sniffs.

'Lou?' Harry suddenly says in an uncertain voice. 'I've got a very long way to go before I'm back to normal. I won't blame you if you don't stick around.'

Louis presses himself up to look at Harry in disbelieve. 'Do you think that that is what this is about? Babe, it will be hard, but I won't leave you. Never in a million years.'

Another tear rolls down Harry's cheek. 'But you've already wasted five months waiting for me –'

'And every time I see your beautiful eyes or I hear your voice, I know that every second that I've waited for you was worth it. Don't think it was a waste.' Now that Harry knows both his secrets – the one about William and the one about Christian, he feels a kind of calmness. Like there is nothing that Harry and him can't face together.

Harry smiles faintly. 'I'm just glad it happened to me and not you.'

'Why'd you say that?' Louis frowns as he fidgets with Harry's pajama shirt and Harry caresses his hair.

'Because I don't think I would have survived.'

Louis sniffs. 'You would have been fine.'

'Liar,' Harry laughs. 'We both know I can't even go two days without missing you unbearably much.'

'Yeah?' When Louis rests his head on Harry's shoulder again, he starts kissing every bit of Harry's neck, while his hand glides under his shirt – over his stomach to his chest. 'What would you miss?'

Harry moans softly as his fingers search for grip in Louis' hair, his breathing heavy when he speaks. 'I would miss your teasing jokes, and your smell. I would miss the way you look at me and our children. And I would miss your body and the way you touch mine.' He suddenly pulls Louis up by his hair to make their gazes meet. Their eyes show desire and Harry grabs Louis' face with both hands, bringing it to his. They kiss hard, mouths opening and closing, grasping for air. Harry licks Louis' lips, begging him to let him in. When he does, their tongues curl around one another, hands desperately exploring each others' bodies. Muffled moans become one between their mouths. Louis leaves a trail of kisses on Harry's stomach as he pulls his shirt up. After he takes it off, Louis leans in to kiss Harry again, but Harry stops him to take his shirt off as well. Louis swings his leg over Harry's and he leans forward as they kiss, their hips grinding on each other. They're both hard and it feels good to move against one another. Harry lets go off Louis' lip to let his head fall back as he moans and buries his nails in Louis' back. Louis kisses Harry's neck hard but stops to say in a heavy voice, 'God, I've missed you so much.' He feels a tear roll down his cheek and fall on Harry's shoulder, but it doesn't stop him. On the contrary, it makes his body ache for Harry even more.

Louis' hand runs down Harry's stomach and he stops when he feels the fabric of Harry's boxer shorts, which are a little higher on his hips than his pajama pants. He looks up at him, and when Harry's nods with hungry eyes, Louis let's his hand slip in. Harry grabs Louis' wrist and swallows. 'I don't know if I have the strength to do anything.' Louis grins and bites on Harry's lower lip. 'Don't worry, you won't have to do anything, just relax.'

Harry does as Louis says and lets his head fall back on the pillow. He closes his eyes and moans again when Louis' fingers surround his cock, his thumb gently touching the top. Louis looks at Harry as his hand slowly moves up and down. He smiles at Harry's beauty – his curls, his closed eyes, his half opened mouth, his tattoos, all of it, and he is struck by how much he loves him. The thought of ever touching someone else like this seems ridiculous and in this moment he swears he never will. With Harry, he feels loved like he's never been loved before. After what he just told him, Harry still wants Louis, and that alone makes Louis want to burst into sunshine.

He lowers his head to Harry's abdomen, softly kissing his hipbones. Ready to instinctively pull down Harry's underwear, he lets go of his cock and moves his hands to the sides, but he stops. 'What if someone comes in?' Harry's fingers grab Louis' brown hair roughly as he whispers, 'I really don't care.' Louis grins at Harry, because he looks so ready and impatient – his eyes now squeezed shut and his breathing heavy. Louis decides to take his hands out of his boxers and grins at him some more. After a few seconds, Harry opens one eye and sighs when he sees Louis looking up at him. 'You tease,' he mumbles in a heavy voice.

Louis laughs and sticks his thumbs in Harry's boxer shorts at the sides. Harry lifts his bum so that Louis can pull them down – just far enough for his cock to be out, so that he can pull it back up in case someone walks in. Louis gently kisses Harry's thighs, with Harry's moans as his encouragement. When Harry softly pulls on Louis' hair, he knows that he's played enough, and he moves his mouth to the middle. Harry's cock feels hard in his hand and wet when he closes his lips around it. Trying not to make too much noise, Harry squeezes his mouth shut, groaning under his breath. He holds Louis' head with one hand, and his hand with the other. Louis licks and sucks and pulls until Harry orgasms in Louis' mouth. It doesn't take long, because Harry was longing for Louis' touch more than ever.

After Louis swallows Harry's cum, he pulls his boxer shorts and pajama pants back in their place. Harry leans forward to wrap his arms around Louis' neck and kisses him on his lips, tasting his own fluids. 'Thank you.'

Louis embraces Harry as well and holds him close. He lets out a sigh as he says, 'Don't think I will ever let you go again, mister Styles. I love you so much.'

'I was hoping you'd say that.' Harry kisses Louis again before they lean back against the pillow.

Drawing hearts with his finger on Harry's stomach, Louis says, 'We've got to stop with these mood swings.'

Harry laughs. 'You're right. But until we do, let's just enjoy the good ones.'


	16. Chapter Sixteen

 

 

Sixteen

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

Two weeks and lots of physio- and psychotherapy later, Harry finally gets to go home. The past two weeks have been filled with very high ups and very low downs – one minute he would be standing up, joking and laughing, and the next he would be on the ground crying. Sometimes he'd cry over William, sometimes because he still feels pathetic for being a little weak, and sometimes for no reason at all. Holding down his food didn't go so well at first, either, but after trying to three or four times, his stomach got used to small bowls of yoghurt, and later rice with beans and chicken.

Now that Louis' put all his cards on the table, he's much more relaxed and his mood swings are way less frequent. Because of that, it's been a lot easier for him to fully concentrate on Harry's emotions rather than his own. Of course there's still James to take into consideration, but he's doing great. He hasn't cried in days and he's comfortable around Harry – which is convenient for Louis, because the boy isn't attached to his hip anymore.

And now here he is. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Louis exhales loudly, shaking his arms to release the tension running through his veins. He adjusts the crisp white shirt under his navy suit as he checks his look one more time. He's had the suit for ages – he bought it to wear to his mum's wedding ten years ago – but Harry has reminded him time and time again that it's his favorite suit on Louis and that he's not allowed to throw it out, so Louis decided today would be a good day to wear it once more. It still fits surprisingly well, Louis thinks to himself. Running his hand over his brown locks combed in a quiff to make sure it stays exactly how he styled it, he wonders why he's so goddamn nervous. He feels like he's getting ready for his first date with Harry, and maybe in some way he is. Harry told him he's falling in love with Louis all over again, and Louis feels the same. The butterflies in his stomach flutter more than they used to when he looks at Harry, and Harry is all he thinks about before he goes to sleep – and after he wakes up.

When the doorbell rings, his brown brogue shoes squeak on the parquet as he makes his way to the hall. After exhaling one more time, he opens the door to find Harry sitting in his wheelchair. He looks stunning in the black suit Louis told Niall to bring to the hospital that afternoon before driving him home. The black shirt is see-through, just enough for the outlines of the butterfly on his stomach to be visible, making something stir in Louis' at the sight of it. Harry's wearing his hair in a bun – not the messy one he wears when he doesn't feel like making an effort with his appearance, but a neat one, his hair combed back carefully and twisted perfectly on the back of his head. The strands of hair that didn't make it all the way to the elastic band, are tucked behind his ears. Because Harry is fidgeting with his hands in his lap, Louis reckons he is just as nervous as he is and he finds it adorable. But then again, he finds pretty much everything Harry does adorable.

'Welcome home.' Louis and Harry smile brightly at each other, sparks flying out of their eyes. 'Thank you, Ni.'

Niall backs away from the wheelchair to head for his car. 'You're welcome, mate. Have fun, you two.'

Louis waves at Niall in gratitude before turning his head back at Harry, who moves his hands to the wheels of his chair, ready to roll in. 'I'm not letting you enter the house like that, babe,' Louis says as he walks over to the side of the wheelchair, leaning forward to pick Harry up.

'I can walk, you know,' Harry laughs, but he let's Louis pick him up anyway, wrapping his arms around his neck.

'I know, but this is more romantic, if you ask me.' Louis presses a kiss on Harry's temple as he steps over the threshold and carries Harry inside. Harry giggles, but the sound fades away as he gasps at the sight of the living room. Louis went all out and lit as many candles as he could. There might be a hundred, and little does Harry know there are dozens more in the bedroom, waiting to be lit as well.

'Lou,' Harry says, his voice soft with surprise as his wide green eyes take it all in – the green eyes that Louis has come to love more than anything else in the world. He always knew that he loved them, from the minute he first saw them in the bathroom, but he didn't realize just how much until he couldn't see them anymore. He looked at hundreds of pictures, but none of them managed to capture the love and brightness inside them. Louis tried to find it in James', but they are different – they show appreciation and love for Louis, but in a different way. They say 'I can't live without you', but without having lived with him for fourteen years. The moment he finally saw them for the first time in almost a half year, Louis' stars finally found their way back to their constellations.

Louis stops in front of the fireplace, feeling the warmth of the flames against his legs, and they both stare at the photograph hanging above it. The black and white is now more sepia from the candles standing on the mantelpiece. Louis turns his head to the side to look at Harry. 'You missed our five year anniversary, so I thought we'd make up for it now.'

Harry turns his head as well and looks at his husband through watery eyes, his voice deep when he says, 'It's all so beautiful.'

Staring into the green of Harry's eyes, Louis nods slightly. 'Yes, it is.' Feelings overwhelm him when Harry wraps his arms around his neck a little tighter. How did he survive without him, without this? Sure, he was miserable and barely living, but he's still there.

Louis walks away from the fireplace and to the dining room table. It looks beautiful, even Louis thinks so. The off-white cloth hangs from the round top, tied at the bottom of the leg with a gold colored bow. The plates have a little anchor in the middle, with the initials _H+L_ scribbled below it in the same color as the bow, the underplates and the cutlery. In the middle of the table is a square vase of very light pink lilies, in front of it traditional wine glasses, off-white napkins folded into little pyramids and – of course – candles.

'Is it just me, or does all of this look a lot like our wedding decorations?' Harry whispers, his eyes fixed on the table.

'It does,' Louis agrees. 'I dug up the plates and cutlery, and did the best I could with the rest.'

Harry turns to look at Louis, stroking the side of his face. 'What did I do to deserve all this?' He laughs a little when he adds, 'I'm just Harry.'

'Yes, but you're my Harry.' Smiling, Louis shrugs like it's the most logical explanation in the world, and to him it is, because his Harry is better than every other Harry. Or anyone that goes by a different name, for that matter. 'But you're quite heavy, so I'm going to put you down now.'

Harry laughs as he lands on his feet and he makes his way over to one of the chairs, that Louis pulls out and puts back in its place when Harry sits down.

'Oh, Louis Tomlinson,' Harry sighs.'You are too much for me.'

Louis leans forward until his upper lip touches Harry's ear and he whispers, 'Louis Styles.' He kisses Harry's earlobe shortly before he straightens himself and walks off into the kitchen.

'That sounds even better.' Harry looks up when Louis comes back holding a bottle of wine and smiles. 'Bollinger Grande Année, you remember.'

'Of course I remember.' Louis uncorks the bottle and fills both their glasses with the almost gold colored liquid. 'That's what got you drunk and got you talking about wanting to have a baby with me all night.' Louis laughs at the memory as he sits down beside Harry. Even during their first dance at the wedding reception Harry whispered about it in Louis' ear.

Harry laughs as well and says, 'I wanted to have a baby with you long before then, I just wanted to wait until we were married.' He shifts in his chair to face Louis and holds his hand on the table.

'Remember when you almost believed me when I told you I took a pregnancy test?' Louis laughs some more. 'You are so easy to fool.'

Harry lowers and shakes his head, remembering the night he got back from a jog and found Louis sitting on the couch holding a pregnancy test. 'Speaking of babies, is James at Niall's?'

'Yeah,' Louis replies as he strokes the back of Harry's hand with his thumb. 'He picked him up along with your suit this afternoon. I thought it would be nice to spend this evening with just the two of us.'

'It is.' Harry interrupts Louis when he raises his glass to take a sip. 'Is it okay if I make a toast? I have something I want to say to you.' When Louis nods and puts his glass back down, Harry clears his throat, preparing himself to say exactly what he planned. 'My dearest Louis,' he starts. Louis smiles broadly because he loves being his and he loves hearing that he is. 'Even though you are not proud of yourself, I want you to know that I am incredibly proud of how you handled yourself over the past months and I hope that one day you'll look back and be proud too. I can only imagine what it was like for you when I was gone, but I know how it's been since I've been back, and I want to thank you. You have been there for me in every way possible and you'll never know how thankful I am.' Harry stops to swallow and Louis does the same, wiping away a tear that's stuck in his eyelashes. 'You've tried playing it cool by saying things like 'in sickness and in health', like it's obvious that you're here, but it's not. And it has been way more than coming to every therapy session with me and sleeping by my side in that crappy hospital bed that is way too small for two grown men every night. It's that you spoke when words were needed, and you shared the silence with me when they were not. You knew exactly when I needed you to hold me or when I needed to be alone without me ever telling you. You have always been the best boyfriend, husband and best friend that I could have ever wished for, and over the past few weeks you have reassured me a thousand times that marrying you was the best decision I have ever made. And now I'm going to stop talking or else I'm going to spend the rest of the night crying.' They both laugh, their laughs muffled by tears and the lumps in their throats. 'I just wanted to make sure that you know that I love you very much and that I am grateful to you for being you. And this is absolutely the best way to come home.'

When Louis is sure that Harry is done speaking, he grabs his face with both hands and kisses his lips hard, squeezing his eyes shut. If the love they hold for each other was water, it would be enough to fill the ocean and he wouldn't mind drowning in it at all. He wants to live in this moment forever, because even if it's just for now, it feels like nothing bad could ever happen to them again. And if it does, their love would make them strong enough to face it together.

Louis' lips leave Harry's as he pulls away and sniffs. 'Thank you, my love. There is something that I'd like to say to you as well. It's a lot shorter than what you just said, but you're a lot better at this than I am.' He laughs to the floor, suddenly self conscious. 'I want to you thank you, too, for coming back to me when I'd lost all hope. I've experienced life without you and I never want to have to do it again. You make me want to _live_ again and be a better father for James. In short, I love you with all my heart.'

Louis quickly takes a sip of his wine and rushes his hand through his hair, forgetting it's combed back into a quiff instead of his usual fringe. Harry smiles as he leans forward to kiss Louis' cheek. The feeling of Harry's soft pink lips on his skin gives Louis goosebumps – in a good way, a very good way. He clears his throat and says, 'Let me get dinner, okay? It should be done by now.' They kiss one more time before he grabs their plates and heads for the kitchen.

Once he's there, he sighs and tries to keep himself from smiling like an idiot. Wondering what he's ever done to make Harry love him so much, he tries to process his words. Harry was right, he isn't proud of himself, but when he's around him, he sees a glimpse of the version of himself that Harry sees and he feels a bit better.

He puts the plates on the counter and starts to transfer the food from the pans to the plates. It's _their_ meal, the first meal Louis ever cooked for Harry, and the only one he's good at; chicken stuffed with mozzarella, wrapped in parma ham, with a side of home made mash. Even though Harry is a way better cook than Louis, he's never made this meal because this is Louis'. Every time he cooks it, he puts just as much effort into it as he did the first time and Harry loves it. Louis is not sure if Harry loves it so much because he loves the taste, or if he loves it because Louis made it, but either way it's good.

Harry laughs lovingly as Louis walks out of the kitchen carrying the plates. 'I knew it.'

'Oh, shut up,' Louis laughs back as he puts the plates back where they were and sits down. 'You love it.'

'I do, and I'm thankful that you made it.'

Louis laughs again and realizes that his laugh sounds more carefree than it has in a long time. 'If we use the word 'thankful' any more, it will be like Thanksgiving in here.'

Harry unfolds his napkin and lays it on his thighs. 'Well, I missed that day too, so we can make up for it now.'

Louis does the same and smiles as he watches Harry cut his chicken. 'Yeah? What else are you thankful for?'

'I'll let you know later in a different way than speaking.' Harry winks at Louis as he chews his food and moans softly with his eyes closed when he remembers how much he loves this meal. 'Shorty, you've outdone yourself.'

Louis smiles endeared at the word 'Shorty' as he puts some mash on his fork and brings it to his mouth. 'Why, thank you, Curly.'

They talk about all kinds of things while they eat, but neither of them mentions William's death. Not because they're trying to forget it happened, but because they don't want to ruin the mood. Once Harry looks at a photograph standing on a side table with him in it. He's sitting on Louis' arm while James sits on Harry's. It was taken at the zoo and they look so happy. He mentions it to Louis, but they only talk about how fun that day was, not what happened only weeks later.

As Harry wipes the corners of his mouth with his napkin when he finishes desert – waffles with strawberries and whipped cream – he says, 'I'm glad Liam and Zayn came out here. Remember me to thank them. James seems to love them too.'

'You've already thanked them a million times.' Louis laughs as he does the same. 'But yes, it's been great. I'm glad they've moved to Niall's place, though. It's nice to have the house to ourselves.'

Harry nods in agreement. 'I'm grateful for Niall, too. He's been a great help with you and James.'

'Yeah. I never expected him to leave Ireland, though.'

'Me neither,' Harry says. 'I guess after his parents passed away and Greg moved away from the memories, he didn't have a whole lot to stay for.'

Louis shakes his head and rests it in the palm of his hand as he places his elbow on the table. 'Right after you went into your coma, he told me that he moved out here to look for family – that we are his family. He said that when I called him to tell him that you were in the hospital, he felt like I was talking about his brother. That's why I've gotten so close to him through all of this. He has at least an idea of what it was like for me.'

They think about this for a minute in silence, holding each other's hands, their fingers intertwined. It's funny how perfectly their hands fit together, because of how small Louis' hand is and how big Harry's is. It's probably like that with all of them. Everything about them is different – Louis' smaller, but built broader. Harry is the sweetest and most friendly guy you could ever meet, while Louis is sarcastic and sassy. Maybe it's their differences that makes them work together.

Louis breaks the silence when he lets go of Harry's hand and jumps up. 'Before I forget.' He walks away from the table and into the pantry, where he picks up a heavy square object wrapped in gold colored paper with an anchor on it. He had it designed especially for Harry when he ordered the present. When he walks back out, Harry's face lights up like that of a child on Christmas morning.

'I got this for your birthday, but you missed that too.' He sits down again and hands it over to Harry, who starts unwrapping it at once. His movements are impatient, but also careful, trying not to rip the paper. When the paper finally falls to the ground, he gasps. 'Leeds,' he whispers. It's a painting of the festival site they visited so many years ago. The grass, tents and people were painted with both pastels and bright colors, making the picture a bit vague but still recognizable. Louis had it painted for Harry two months before his birthday. He'd tried to think of the moment he started to love Harry, but since it feels like he started long before he was even born, he thought of the place where he'd first told Harry that he loves him. He looked through their pictures and took the best one to a local artist and explained how he wanted the painting to be. The result is even more beautiful than he imagined.

'Is that my wristband?' Harry asks shocked as he points to the corner of the canvas.

Louis laughs and shakes his head. 'Don't worry, it's still in your diary. I took a picture of it and asked the painter to use it.'

Harry stares at the picture with a broad smile on his face before he turns to Louis and kisses his lips. 'I love it.'

'I'll let you decide where to put it. Which makes sense considering you've made pretty much every decision about our interior.' Louis starts gathering the bowls and glasses, but Harry stops him by grabbing his wrist. 'What do you say we watch the sunset on the beach first and clean up later?'

Louis smiles down at his beautiful husband. 'Sounds perfect.'

 

Louis is sitting behind Harry, allowing him to rest against his chest. With his arms wrapped around his husband tightly, and his chin resting on Harry's head, Louis watches the sun setting behind the horizon. The sky turns different shades of pink, yellow and orange as the ball of light disappears.

'It happened here, didn't it?' Harry says in a sad voice. He grabs one of Louis' hands and presses it against his chest, right where his heart is.

Louis kisses the top of Harry's head. 'A little over there, yeah.' He turns his head to the side and Harry follows. They don't talk about it any more, but lay down in the sand and watch the sky turn darker and darker until it's a dark shade of blue. Holding Harry as he lays his head on Louis' chest, Louis realizes that they're not just each other's worlds – they are the stars reflecting on the sea as they shine just for them, lighting their galaxies and guiding them home to each other.

After a while, Harry presses himself up, his hands in the sand, leaning over Louis. His eyes are sparkly and his lips seem dry, and Louis knows what's coming. He smiles and nods when Harry says, 'I want you to make love to me.'

And he does. They kiss making their way back to the house, leaving a trail of clothes on the stairs as they impatiently undress each other. When they're on the bed, you really can't call it anything else than making love. They touch each other so gently, and Louis moves so slowly inside of Harry, that it's the most tender and intense kind of sex they've ever had. They don't shout each other's names, but whisper them instead. A tear streams down Harry's face as Louis thrusts slowly inside him. 'Am I hurting you?' Louis asks worried while he kisses Harry's neck, but Harry shakes his head. 'I just can't remember ever feeling so loved.'


	17. Chapter Seventeen

 

 

Seventeen 

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

L ouis wakes up from the touch of Harry's lips on his neck. Smiling, he opens one eye but closes it as fast as he can because the bedroom is flooded with sunlight. With a soft moan he rolls on his back. 

'Hey, beautiful.' Harry's voice is hoarse with sleep, but just as lovely as ever. Louis opens his eyes again, just small stripes that allow him to look at Harry while they adjust to the light. The edges of Harry's face are faded and surrounded by flocks of dust, whirling through the air but never really falling. Louis raises his hand to touch Harry's jaw, making sure it's still there. 'Hey,' he mutters. 'How'd you sleep?'

Harry brushes Louis' hair with his fingers, slowly and just touching his scalp. 'Very good. Almost as deep as my coma.'

'That's not funny.' Louis rolls on his side again, but this time the one where Harry is and he yawns as he buries his face in  Harry's ches t . 'It's so light in here, what time is it?' 

Harry turns his head to look at the clock hanging on the wall beside  the m. 'Just a little past ten. Neither of us wanted to get up last night after, you know, so the curtains are still open.'

Louis moans again, this time a little whiny. 'I reckon we didn't lock the doors then, either, did we?'

'I guess not.' Harry lays down on his back and holds out his arm, inviting Louis to come lie with him, so he does. Louis shifts a bit to the side and lays his head on Harry's shoulder, wrapping his arm around his waist. Louis is almost back asleep when Harry says, 'I was just thinking, and we should do it.'

His eyes still closed, Louis frowns. 'Do what?'

'Get married.'

'What are you talking about? We are married, you goof.' Louis yawns as he tries to move even closer against Harry, but Harry pulls away and leans on his elbow to face Louis. 

'I know,' Harry agrees. 'But we could do it again. I kind of look at this as a new start for our relationship, you know? And we've both said that we are completely and utterly in love with each other again, so it would be the right time.'

Louis thinks about Harry's request for a second. He doesn't really see the point in having another wedding, but he's willing to do it if Harry really wants to. Harry is taken by surprise when Louis suddenly gets up and sits down on top of him, their hips locked. 'Lou, what are you doing?' 

Louis leans to the side to open Harry's nightstand, and he takes out the necklace with Harry's wedding ring hanging from it. He wore it to bed one night when Harry was still in his coma, but he put it back in the drawer the next morning, because it felt wrong for anyone other than Harry to wear it – even him. He smiles at Harry as he opens the necklace at the close and pulls it through the ring, dropping the chain on the nightstand. Turning back to Harry he says, 'Well, Harry Styles, will you marry me again?'

'Yes!' Harry shouts exaggerated. They both laugh as Louis puts the ring on Harry's finger. 'I was wondering where it was.' Harry stretches out his  hand to admire the ring from a distance.

'I kept it save for you.' Leaning forward, Louis presses a kiss on Harry's lips. Harry's eyes widen and Louis knows what's coming.

'You know what we should do?' Harry says, his voice filled with enthusiasm. 

'Oh God.' Louis lays down on his back beside Harry. 'I knew this was a bad idea.' He's trying to sound annoyed but he can't help but grin. 

Completely ignoring Louis' attitude, Harry leans on his elbow again and says, 'We should do a Winter themed wedding.'

'Why?' Louis frowns. 'Winter is cold. Isn't a wedding supposed to be something warm?'

'Yeah, but we already did a Summer themed wedding here in LA.' Louis closes his eyes as he prepares himself for the waterfall of ideas and plans that is about to flow from Harry's lips. 'We could fly everyone out to some beautiful... snowy place. There should be ice sculptures everywhere and James could be the ring bearer and wear some cute costume. Oh, this is going to be perfect.'

'A cute costume?' Louis repeats. 'What, you want to turn our wedding into Narnia?'

Harry claps his hands  and laughs . 'No, but we could dress him up as a penguin –'

'Harold, I am not letting you dress  up  my son as a penguin.' Louis grins and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, leaving it on his forehead.

Pouting, Harry says, 'He's my son, too, you know.'

'Yes, and you can dress him up as a penguin on Halloween.' Louis shuts Harry up with a kiss, but it's not enough, because Harry keeps talking into Louis' mouth. 'But can you just imagine? It wouldn't be some cheap costume, we would have it designed especially for him and –'

'For God's sake, Harry,  just  shut up and kiss me.'

Harry does as Louis says and they kiss and laugh, their laughs becoming one between their mouths.  After a minute or so, Louis leans back against his pillow. With his eyes still closed, he murmurs, 'What on Earth ever moved me to marry you? I've never been a romantic guy and here I am in bed with a fool who wants to dress up our son as a bloody penguin.'

Harry laughs as he watches his fingers stroke Louis' bare chest. 'Perhaps it's because you love me and I love you. Besides, not romantic, my ass. What do you call that dinner we had last night, then?'

'Yeah, okay.' Louis grins. 'I guess that was kind of romantic.'

Still laughing, Harry leans forward to lick both of Louis' nipples and flick them playfully. 'Hey,' Louis murmurs, softly pushing Harry's head to the side. 'Come lie with me for a bit.'

Louis stretches his arm as he lets Harry snuggle up to him and he presses his lips against the top of his head. Harry moans softly when Louis brushes his mess of curls with his short fingers. 

'If we're really going to have another wedding,' Louis says, his voice deeper than usual. Maybe it's because he's still sleepy, but it's more likely from feeling so cozy and warm. 'I have a better idea than some Winter themed freak show. ' Harry giggles and asks him what it is, so Louis tells him. 'Well, I was just thinking that we should somehow include William in the ceremony, so why not do it on the beach? We don't have to do it on the exact spot where it happened, but just in front of our house. We could keep it small – only invite the people we really love and want to be there.'

Louis looks down at Harry to see what he thinks, suddenly feeling a bit insecure about his ideas. To be honest, ever since Harry woke up, Louis has thought of doing some kind of ceremony at the beach. To mourn William's death as well as celebrate their love for each other and James, along with their family and friends, of course. The tender smile on Harry's face and loving look in his eyes tell Louis to go on. 

'I'd like to do it at night, because the kids have always loved to go there after dinner. The back porch is big enough to have a bar there and we could put candles on the sides of the stairs. We should say our vows right as the sun sets behind us and dance the night away under the starry sky. What do you think?'

Harry's smile has only gotten bigger, showing the dimples in his cheeks – the one on the left a little deeper than the right. 'I think you're the most wonderful man I've ever known and I love everything you just said. And you are not allowed to ever say you are not romantic again.' He presses himself up on his elbows to give Louis a small but passionate kiss. Caressing the side of Louis' face, he says, 'To hell with penguins, I want exactly  what you just described.'

Louis laughs softly as he stares into the green of his husband's eyes. 'Isn't it a bit corny, though?'

'I like corny,' Harry shrugs. 'I think everyone we love will understand, and if they don't, it's their loss.'

Louis' smile turns more serious as he frowns and looks at the swallows on either side of Harry's chest. 'I've held a ceremony for William a few days after the accident. Only our parents, siblings and Niall were there, I didn't want anyone else  to come .' 

Still stroking the side of Louis' face, Harry looks sad. Again, Louis can't tell if he's sad about William or for Louis, but because it's Harry, it's probably the latter. It's not like Harry doesn't care about anyone else – you can practically hear his heart breaking every time someone says William's name out loud – it's just that Louis is Louis, and if it was up to Harry, Louis would never be sad. 

'Liam and Zayn weren't even there,' Louis continues, his voice hoarse and dry. 'I wanted to invite them, but I couldn't get myself to do it. They'd been out of our lives for so long. Now that we have a chance to do it all over again, I'm not letting that happen again. I can't explain it, because they didn't even know William, but I want them to say goodbye to him too.' He frowns again as he tries to understand himself, and Harry lays his finger on the stripe between  Louis' eyes, rubbing it softly as if trying to make it disappear. 

Louis feels Harry's breath against his temple as he says, 'I know. They might not have been a part of William's life but they are of yours. Actually, they're a part of your heart and you need their parts to let go of him as well as your own.'

Louis' face relaxes as he looks up at Harry. How can he understand his feelings and explain them so well when he can't even understand them himself? Is that the meaning of a soul mate? Maybe it's the meaning of loving someone – being able to understand them without there being any explanation  or logic .

Harry presses his lips against Louis' forehead and whispers, 'I'm sorry you've had to go through it alone.'

'I didn't have to.' Louis shakes his head. 'There were enough people who wanted to help me, comfort me. I just pushed everyone away because they weren't you.'

Looking at Louis again, Harry smiles. 'But they're still here, so you must have done something right. James still loves you just as much. I think Niall loves you even more, in a way. That's all that matters – you let them back in.'

Louis takes Harry's hand in his and kisses the back of it, feeling the soft skin brush against his lips. 'Sometimes I honestly think you are the reason why I'm alive.'

'I'm glad I am.' Harry smiles, but it's an uncertain smile, and Louis understands why when Harry speaks again. 'Lou, could you take me to William's room? I'm afraid to go by myself.'

Knowing that fear better than anyone, Louis nods at once. He would've let Harry go alone if he wanted to, but he'd never suggest it. He's happy to be able to be there for Harry in  situations whe re Harry couldn't be there for him. There have been loads of times when he wished Harry was by his side, and going into William's room was definitely one of them.

They both climb out of the bed and put some comfortable clothes on – underwear, sweatpants and a simple t-shirt. When Louis' done, he walks around the bed to where Harry is standing and wraps his arms around his waist. 

'Are you ready, love of my life?'

Harry nods, but it is not a convincing nod. ' As r eady as I'll ever be.'

 

Louis leads the way as they walk across the hall, their hands locked. Of course Harry knows the way to William's room – it's his own house – but Louis can tell how nervous Harry is, so he figures he should go first. He turns his head to send a little smile Harry's way before he opens the door. 

Harry sighs loudly as he enters the room and stands still right in front of the door. He looks around a bit to find that nothing's changed, before he steps towards the crib. Once there, he doesn't even look at the urn, but immediately reaches for the purple elephant that he bought so long ago. A sob leaves his throat as he holds it, his eyes squeezed shut. 

Now standing behind him, Louis wraps his arms around Harry's waist and rests his head against his shoulder. He hates to see Harry sad and to feel him sob against his body kills him. Letting a tear roll down his cheek, Louis wishes there was something he could do to relieve the pain, but he knows that there isn't. Harry has to work through it and all Louis can do is support him along the way. 

'I still can't believe it's real,' Harry whispers as he lays his hand on Louis' and holds the stuffed animal  in the other. 'I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone.' 

Louis simply shakes his head against Harry's shoulder, unable to say anything that would make it seem more real, because to be honest, he doesn't want it to be real. 

'You know, I was talking to James the other day,' Harry says. 'And I know that William's voice sounded different – the way he used to pronounce words was different – but I can't remember it. I can't remember my own son's voice.' 

Suddenly turning around in Louis' arms, Harry smashes himself against his body. Harry's arms  lock around Louis' neck so tight ly , that Louis feels like he's holding on to him for dear life. Louis cries, but not nearly as hard as Harry does, who se sobs have turned into long, muted  cries . Louis can hear Harry say something, but he can't make out the words. Buckling under Harry's weight, Louis lowers the both of them to the ground and pulls Harry on his lap, just like he did in the hospital.  Harry is still holding the elephant as Louis cradles him and his sobs become softer and less frequent. 

When Harry's just barely crying, he gets up and puts the elephant back in the crib. Instead, he picks up the urn and sits back down on Louis' lap. Wrapping his arms around him again, Louis kisses Harry's temple, wiping some hair out of his face. 

Harry's voice sounds broken and exhausted when he speaks. 'Did you design it?' 

'I did,' Louis confirms. 'What do you think?'

After staring at it for a while, Harry nods. 'I like it. I like that it's simple, but not too simple.'

Louis closes his eyes and rests his head against Harry's shoulder. 'I thought we should get a poem or something painted on it, but I wanted to discuss it with you.'

'Maybe we will come up with something over time.'

Harry closes his eyes as well as he leans against Louis' chest. They sit like that for thirty, maybe forty-five minutes, taking in the smell, trying to picture William playing with his toys or one of them reading him a bedtime story. 

Eventually Louis is the one who opens his eyes first and he gently kisses he fabric on Harry's shoulder. 'Are you ready to go downstairs and have breakfast? If you want to stay by yourself, that's fine too.'

Harry turns his head and looks at Louis with empty, green eyes. Eyes that look like they've seen too much, cried too much, felt too much. 'I'll go with you.'

Louis helps Harry stand up and they wrap an arm around each other as they take one more look at the room, still trying to realize what seems to be impossible to realize. 

'Lou,' Harry whispers. 'How did you get over this?'

'I'll let you know when I do.'


	18. Chapter Eighteen

 

 

Eighteen

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

'I'm going to go take a shower,' Harry says as he leaves the table.

Stirring his cereal without actually eating any, Louis sighs. 'You haven't even finished half of your breakfast.'

'Yeah, I'm not hungry.' 

And with that, Harry walks out of the room. He doesn't look at Louis, he doesn't kiss him, nothing. Louis lets go off his spoon and rubs his face with both hands. Like Harry said, Louis has a way of knowing when Harry needs to be left alone and when he doesn't, and right now Louis feels like he should follow him. 

Once he's upstairs, Louis knocks on the bathroom door. 'Haz, can I come in?' He waits until he hears a soft 'yes' before he enters. 

Harry is standing in front of the sink, leaning on it as he stares at himself in the mirror. He directs his gaze a little to the side to see Louis coming closer behind him. 

Cautiously, Louis puts one hand on Harry's shoulder. When he doesn't feel him react, he puts the other one on his hip. Together they stare at their reflection, until Louis decides to say something. 

'You know, Harry, I completely understand if you want to be alone sometimes. But, please, just tell me instead of shutting me out.'

Harry lowers his head and nods before he turns around to  face  Louis, leaning against the sink. His finger tracing the lines of the tattoo on Louis' chest that's peaking out from under his t-shirt, he says, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

'It's okay.'

'No, it's not,' Harry sighs. 'It's that... Everything was going so well. I was doing great, we were doing great. I think it's just now starting to hit me that William really is gone, and I don't want that to change us.'

Louis frowns and strokes the side of Harry's face. 'You think this changes anything between us? Babe, I understand that you're sad – how could you not be? I knew that you were trying to suppress your grief, but I also knew that it had to come out some time. You can't hide from your emotions, you know.'

Nodding again, Harry says, 'I want to do the ceremony soon.'

'Are you sure?' Louis sounds concerned because for the first time in forever, he doesn't know what's best for Harry. He's not sure what's going on inside that pretty head, and it's not like he always wants to know, but in a serious situation like this he does. 

Harry moves his hand from Louis' chest to his neck, giving Louis goosebumps. 'I'm sure. I mean, I missed the cremation. I need some kind of way to say goodbye to him, to find closure.'

'Would you rather have a ceremony just for him and the wedding later? Because I understand if you do.' Louis tilts his head to the side to meet Harry's touch.

Shaking his head, Harry says, 'No, I want to have one ceremony, just like how you described it this morning.'

Louis nods and opens his arms, ready to hug his husband. Harry leans into him and wraps his arms around Louis' waist. 'We're going to be alright, love,' Louis whispers into his ear. 'Eventually.'

 

'Babe, I'm going to pick up James in a minute, do you want to come with me or would you rather stay here?' Louis shouts from the bathroom. He's just finishing styling his hair, and he realizes he's starting to look better every day. His skin is back to its natural color, and his cheeks aren't hollow anymore. The bags under his eyes have disappeared, and the sparkle in his eyes has returned. The fact that he got a haircut recently doesn't hurt either.

'No, I'll go with you!' Harry shouts back from the bedroom.

When Louis crosses the hall to their bedroom, he holds his step in the doorway. 'You ready, then?'

He stands there watching Harry as he puts on his brown suede booties. The sunlight coming in through the open window lights Harry's face just right and Louis can't believe he's his husband. He feels a smile appear on his face, but he doesn't even try to stop it.

'What?' Harry asks when he notices Harry in the doorway. 'Louis Tomlinson, are you checking me out?'

Louis grins and makes his way to the bed. Playing with Harry's loose hair, he says, 'Could you please stop calling me Tomlinson? I've been a Styles for five years, remember?'

Harry shrugs and grins back. 'Tomlinson is just a nicer name.'

'You only say that 'cause it's mine.' Louis' now moved his hands to Harry's shoulders and starts to massage them.

Tilting his head to the side, Harry frowns but keeps his grin and says, 'I thought you just said Styles is yours.'

Louis laughs as he climbs on the bed, one leg on each side of Harry, and he sits down on top of him. 'Shut up.' Stroking his chest, he asks, 'Are you okay, though, Haz?'

'I am.' Harry nods slowly. 'I'm going to have my ups and downs, but for now I'm okay.' Louis startles a bit when Harry puts both his hands on Louis' bum, and Harry laughs at his reaction before he continues. 'For now I'm just excited to see James soon and to have a nice day with what's left of our family. It might not be complete anymore, but it's not any less perfect to me.'

Louis looks at his hands as they're still stroking the fabric covering Harry's chest. He unbuttons the two lowest buttons and slides his hands underneath Harry's shirt. His skin feels cold under Louis' hands and Louis can feel him tremble slightly when he touches him.

'Are you cold, Mister Styles?' Louis' voice is deep, but soft as he stares into his husband's eyes. The sunlight in the room hits his eyes just right, making the green a little lighter than usual, and they remind Louis of a lake. Just as he thinks he would love to drown in them, Harry slides his hands up over Louis' bum and lets his right stop at the band of his boxers, while his left slides under Louis' shirt and softly scratches his skin. He moves his right to the middle of Louis' lower back and let's one finger slip into his underwear, just where the parting of his cheeks begins.

'A little,' Harry says under his breath. His lips are slightly parted, and instead of looking Louis in the eye, he stairs at his mouth.

Like he's in a hurry, Louis unbuttons the rest of Harry's shirt and throws it aside. Now Harry looks up as Louis pushes him down on the mattress, and Harry gasps at him, begging him to kiss him, but Louis continues to undress him. When Harry realizes that he has to wait for a kiss, he quickly removes Louis' shirt as well and undoes the zipper of his jeans. Louis first pulls Harry's down, along with his boxers and then his own. While he unzips Harry's booties, Louis kisses his inner thighs and Harry moans quietly. Knowing what it does to him, Louis opens his mouth and softly bites Harry's thin skin. Louis laughs when Harry moans again but this time much louder.

'God, Lou.' Kicking off his shoes and clothes, Harry grabs Louis' shoulders and pulls him up. Louis starts to kiss him as soon as he lands on top of him – their bodies pressed together, Harry's legs wrapped around Louis' waist. While Louis continues to kiss Harry, the latter presses his hips up against Louis' trying to send him a message.

'You want it again, you sure?' Louis breathes. 'I can take it if you want.'

Harry shakes his head under Louis'. 'No, fuck me.'

Louis' eyes widen in surprise, because Harry rarely talks like that. Louis is the one who calls it fucking, where Harry likes to use phrases like 'making love'.

Harry slides a bit lower under Louis, raising his legs to make it easier for Louis to reach. While they kiss, Louis gently rubs Harry with his finger and eventually slips it in. With Harry's moaning as his encouragement, he lets a second one slide in, and he watches as Harry shuts his eyes and opens his mouth. After Louis moves his fingers in and out for a while, gradually moving faster, Harry breathes, 'Enough, just stick it in,' and with a loud groan, Louis does was Harry says.

They try to kiss while Louis thrusts inside of Harry, but eventually give up because they can't control their mouths – gasping for air and moaning. Harry buries his nails in Louis' shoulder as he screams his name, and that's enough for Louis to climax.

Louis rests his forehead on Harry's chest panting, but when he realizes that Harry hasn't come yet, he slides off the bed and pulls Harry to the edge. Sitting on his knees, he takes Harry in his mouth and starts licking and sucking, while Harry starts to moan again and tries to find grip in Louis' hair. Pushing Louis' head down hard, Harry orgasms deep in his mouth. He doesn't make a sound, but his whole body twitches from the sensation.

'We really have to work on this again,' Harry says when he's got his breathing under control. 'It used to take us longer than this.'

Louis grins as he gets in position to spoon Harry. 'Well, at least I can be sure now that you didn't have sneaky sex while you were in your coma.'

'Yeah.' Harry laughs, but it's a distant laugh.

'What are you thinking about, handsome man?'

Turning to face Louis, Harry says, 'I know we said we wouldn't mention it again, but can I ask you something about that Christian guy?'

Louis hesitates, but nods anyway. He hates to talk about it, but he doesn't really have the right not to, does he?

'Did you –' Harry lets out a sigh before he continues. 'What was it like? I don't mean how it felt, because you told me that, but what did you do? Did you just have sex, or did you kiss him?'

The look in Harry's eyes tells Louis what answer he would like to hear – he would like to hear that it wasn't intimate like that. That he just bent over and let Christian fuck him, and that that was it. But he can't say that.

'I know that this isn't what you want to hear,' Louis starts. 'But I don't know. Like I told you, I was drunk and I can't remember if we even talked or anything. I only know what I told Niall right after, and only because he told me the next day. And that is that his name is Christian and that he fucked me in the bathroom. I'm sorry.'

Harry nods and swallows, and Louis can see that it's hard for him. Knowing Harry, he wouldn't care that much if they just had sex, because that's not really intimate – of course it's intimate, but at the end of the day, sex is just sex. To Harry, intimacy is more about little things, like holding hands, kisses, that kind of stuff. And Louis means it when he says he's sorry, because he knows that even though Harry will say he'll let it rest, he won't be able to.

'Did you go to the club to find someone to sleep with, or did it just happen?'

Louis shakes his head and locks his hand with Harry's. Even though he knows Harry told him the truth when he said he's not mad at him, he's still happy that Harry lets him hold his hand.

'It wasn't like that. I went to the club to get drunk and be surrounded by people, because I was lonely. It wasn't my intention to hook up with anybody. Believe me, the thought never even crossed my mind when I was sober.'

'And it only happened that one time, right?'

'Yes, Haz. Just that once.' Louis brings Harry's hand to his mouth and kisses each knuckle.

Harry lets out a sigh of relief and shifts a bit closer to Louis. 'I'm sorry I brought it up again.'

'Don't be.' Louis smiles at him tenderly. 'You have the right to know everything there is to know. There just isn't anything more to know.'

Smiling back, Harry rushes a hand through his hair. 'Can I show up at Niall's like this, or do I look like I've just been fucked behind the bleachers by my high school boyfriend?'

Louis laughs loudly and frowns. 'What happened to you during that coma? You never used to say 'fuck'.

'I know.' Harry frowns back, but keeps the grin on his face. 'I thought I'd try it out, but it doesn't suit me, does it?'

'No, it doesn't. But you look fine, so get dressed and we're good to go.'

 

'Again, Lou, I can walk.'

Louis pushes Harry's wheelchair towards the trunk of their car while Harry sits down in the passenger seat.

'I know you can,' Louis says as he starts to fold the chair. 'But I figured we should keep it in the car so that we always have it with us, just in case you need it.'

After he closes the trunk, Louis gets behind the wheel. Harry rolls his eyes at him and sighs. 'You worry too much.'

'I'm not worried, I take precautions. There's a difference, my dear.' Louis leans to the side to kiss Harry before he starts the engine.

Harry smiles tenderly. 'I guess I should love you for that.'

Winking, Louis says, 'You do love me for that.'

They don't talk for the rest of the drive, but share the peaceful silence. Before the accident, they used to listen to music in the car, but these days music seems to give Harry headaches. While Louis worries that it might always will, Harry believes he will recover but it just takes time. One night at the hospital, the week after Harry woke up from his coma, Louis was listening to some music while Harry was asleep. He woke up in a panic and begged Louis to turn the music off. His therapist worries it might be because the last time he heard music was during the fire, but Harry denies it. Louis' not sure who to believe, since Harry might be acting tougher than he really is. Three nights after Harry woke up from his coma, he had a nightmare about the night of the fire. Instead of himself, he saw Louis laying beside William. He woke up crying and it took Louis twenty minutes to calm him down. Louis has asked him several times if he's had more nightmares, but the answer is always no, even though Louis knows that Harry is up at unusual hours. Because he doesn't want to bug him and come across as overprotective, Louis has tried to let it rest, but it hasn't been easy for him. He'd rather hold Harry's hand every second of every day and always know what's going on inside of him, but he knows that's not possible.

So they drive the car in silence. There are tons of things Louis would like to ask – have you had any nightmares recently? Are you sad right now? Do you need anything? What would you like me to do? Anything to be able to do what's best for Harry. Knowing asking all those questions wouldn't do any good, Louis just holds Harry's hand and says nothing. He watches him from the corner of his eye, and sees that he's watching the trees blurring into one as they drive past them. He looks at them like it's the first time he's ever seen trees, and Louis smiles at his innocence. Harry doesn't look at them like that because he hasn't seen them in almost six months, he looks at them like that because that is how Harry looks at things – at life. Louis doesn't know anyone who appreciates little things more than Harry does, and not just things like sunsets, either. Lots of people enjoy those things. Harry is the kind of person who could talk to a ladybug like it's the most beautiful creature on Earth without ever seeming childish. He's pure like that. Even though Louis isn't like that at all – and he loves to mock Harry for it – he loves that Harry is.

In school, Louis once read a poem that he never fully agreed with – he knew it was true, but he felt like there was something behind it, he just couldn't figure out what. Thinking about it now in the car, he could recite it without giving it much thought.

 

_Nature’s first green is gold,_
    
    
    _Her hardest hue to hold._
    
    
    
    _Her early leaf’s a flower;_
    
    
    
    _But only so an hour._
    
    
    
    _Then leaf subsides to leaf._
    
    
    
    _So Eden sank to grief,_
    
    
    
    _So dawn goes down to day._
    
    
    
    _Nothing gold can stay._
    

 

Part of why he remembers it so well, is that his teacher didn't agree with him using that poem. He was only fifteen years old, and he had to choose a poem to write an essay about. This poem had somehow always stayed in the back of his mind, so he choose it for his essay. The thing is, it was for his English class, and he was supposed to use a poem by a British writer, but this one was written by an American. Because he's never been one to agree with authorities, he had an argument with the teacher about it, and eventually had to go see the principal. Somehow he was able to convince him that it was a good poem to use, whether it was by a British writer or not, and he got to write his essay about it. It wasn't a long or well written essay of course, because even though Louis had fought for his right to write about it, he couldn't care less about the essay. To him, it was more about making a statement and simply pissing off his teacher.

Anyway, that same year he read a book and came across the poem again. In the book, two friends talked about what it meant, and later  one of them explained it like when you're a kid, you're gold. When you're a kid everything is new, like dawn. It's just that when you get used to everything it becomes day. He told his friend that he's gold, and that he should stay gold, because it's a good way to be. When Louis read that explanation, it made a little more sense to him, but he still knew there had to be something  _more_ . It made sense to him reading about the character in the book, but he'd never met anyone like that – gold. 

He didn't think about the poem or the book for years, until he met Harry and it suddenly came back to him like a memory. It happened when they were at Leeds Festival. One night it was raining, and Louis along with everyone else there hated it. They were complaining about their wet clothes and the water leaking into their shoes, when Harry suddenly pointed out the beauty of it. Hiding under an umbrella with three other people, they were pressed up against each other, and somehow Harry turned it into something beautiful.  He said something about how the rain would help the grass grow again after being crushed beneath the feet of thousands of visitors and how it made them cozy up under the umbrella, even though they were cold. In that moment, it suddenly hit Louis – Harry is gold. He whispered it without realizing, and Harry didn't hear it. He just shouted 'what?', and Louis told him he'd explain it some other time, but he never did. He's always kept the poem in mind to give to him someday. Whether he reads it to him, or writes it on a card, someday he'll let him know, because it's the best way to describe the beauty of Harry's character. He's gold.

'Haz, do you remember at Leeds when we were hiding under the umbrella that night and I whispered something, but you couldn't hear it, so I said I'd explain it later?'

Harry shakes his head slowly, thinking hard but nothing coming to mind. 'I'm sorry, no.'

'That's okay.' Louis looks to the side to smile at Harry. 'I do.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem looks a bit weird but I can't get it to look the way it does in Word :(  
> And in case anyone wants to know, the poem is by Robert Frost and the book Louis read is The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

 

 

Nineteen 

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

'T he family Styles, welcome.' Niall's accent welcomes them into his house. 'Oh my God, you guys fucked.'

Louis' eyes widen in shock. 'Niall –'

'Yeah, I can tell,' Niall says grinning. 'Harry's eyes are puffy and his cheeks are red. And you...' His  eyes moves up and down over Louis' body. 'Well, you just look more satisfied than I've seen you in a long time.'

Harry shakes his head in embarrassment as he walks past Niall to look for James. 'Stop it, Ni. I see nothing's changed here.'

If you'd compare Niall's place to that of Louis and Harry's, it would be quite clear that the latter is a family home, while Niall lives alone. Where the Styles residence is a big beach house with light colored furniture and decorations – and toys everywhere – Niall's is smaller and more modern. The walls in the living room are red, and the parquet is gray, with a black fake fur rug on it. The couches are black and white, with bright colored pillows on them. The kitchen is entirely black, with lots of little spotlights in the ceiling. There's a massive hot tub in the backyard, but he rarely uses it. One might say it's a great place to have a party at, but he's only ever thrown one, and that was right after he moved in two tears ago. 

'James, come say hi to your daddies,' Niall shouts upstairs as he pats Louis on the back and closes the door. 

Louis pushes his hand away and laughs. 'You've always been a dick, you know that?' 

'Yeah, I do. Come in, Zayn and Liam are in the kitchen.'

'Daddy!'

Louis looks up at James running down the stairs – of course on his socks – and smiles. 'Hey, boy.' He picks him up and wraps his arms around him. 'Honey, look who's here.'

They meet Harry in the middle of the living room as he comes walking back to see James. Louis hands the boy over and wraps his arm around Harry's waist. 

As Niall comes walking in behind Louis, he says, 'What a happy family.'

'Jealous?' Louis grins.

'Sometimes. But I could just put you both in a coma and steal James from you.' Niall pricks James' belly as he walks by. 

'Ah, that was your master plan,' Louis says. 'Well, better luck next time, mate.' Harry looks at him a bit startled, so Louis kisses his cheek. 'I'm sorry, it's not something to joke about. That's just our way of dealing with things, you know?'

Harry nods and turns his head back to James. 'Did you have fun, J-man?' He frees a lock of his curls from the tight grip of James' fist. 

'I did,' James says as he just takes another. 'He let me go in the hot tub.'

Louis frowns. 'I didn't pack you any swimwear, did I?'

'No, but he let me go naked. He said that the girls would love it, but I didn't quite understand.'

Harry laughs at Louis as the latter directs him to the kitchen. 

'Niall,' Louis says sarcastically. 'May I remind you that our son is three years old and that we'd like to keep him away from the opposite gender until he's like, I don't know, twenty five?'

'Hey, I met you when I was sixteen.' Harry looks a bit offended, so Louis leans in for a kiss. 'I'm not of the opposite gender, my love.' Laughing, Harry leans in as well to let their lips lock. 

'Well, what do you know,' Zayn suddenly says as he gets down from his stool. 'Harry Styles out and about. Kissing and everything.' He gives Harry a short hug, trying not to squash James. 'It's good to see you out of the hospital, lad.'

'I couldn't agree more, come here.' Liam stands up as well and opens his arms, ready to embrace Harry. 

'Thanks, mates.' Harry's voice sounds muffled against Liam's sweater, so Louis takes James from him to make the hug a bit more comfortable. 

'Are you all better now, dad?' James smiles at Harry as he wraps his little arms around Louis' neck, his cheek squashed against his father's. 

Harry smiles tenderly at the both of them, and Liam holds him from behind for support – physical or emotional, maybe both. 'I'm not quite there yet, but I'm feeling a lot better, yes. Thank you, James.'

'Anyone fancy a d- What the hell?'

Everyone looks up at Niall, who runs towards the window at the front of the house. 'The street is flooded with press!'

'What?' Louis asks in shock. 'I didn't even notice that people were following us.'

'Me neither.' Harry's voice is soft, and he stands a bit closer to Louis, stroking his back. 

When Louis looks up at him, he realizes that he's not stroking his back to support him, but because he's looking for support himself. Louis' gotten quite used to the paparazzi, because he used to see them daily at the hospital for the past three weeks. Because Harry left the hospital quite late in the day, they'd already left and he didn't see any. Just going outside is a bit much on him right now, let alone with people surrounding him. 

Louis kisses James' forehead and puts him on the  floor before he grabs Harry's hand and directs him to the corner in the back of the room, out of hearing distance. He holds Harry's face with both hands, and softly strokes one cheekbone with his thumb. 

'You're okay, Haz,' he whispers. As soon as Louis speaks, Harry's eyes fill with tears,  the water  creating little pools of green. 'As long as we're inside, they can't reach us.' 

Harry's voice breaks as he says, 'I don't want to go back to that life, Louis. I can't.' His fists hold Louis' shirt so tightly that Louis feels it pulling on his shoulders, so he lets go of Harry's face and takes his hands in his instead. 

'I'm sure you won't have to, we won't have to. They just want a picture of us with James, that's it.' 

'Do you want me to send them away?' Niall asks from the front of the room. 

Louis opens his mouth to answer, but before he can make a sound Harry says 'yes'. 'Harry, sweetheart, I'm not sure that's the best solution right now.'

'What is the best solution, then?' Harry tries to let go of Louis' hands, but Louis grabs them again. 

'For now I think we should just let them be and hope that eventually they'll leave. If they don't, we can decide what to do later. And if you really do want to send them away, I think it's better if I go outside than Niall.'

Harry stares into Louis' eyes as he tries to decide what to do. Louis wraps his arms around his neck to comfort him. 'I love you. Please know that you're safe, I won't let anything happen to you.' When Louis pulls Harry in even closer, he suddenly feels heavy in his arms as his body goes limp. 

'Harry.' Louis tries to stay calm, but when Harry doesn't respond and Louis' knees start to buckle under his weight, Louis sees that his eyes are nearly shut, showing only stripes of white.

'Harry,' he repeats as he lowers him to the floor and kneels beside him. He says his name one more time while he tries to wake him up, but again he doesn't answer.

'Lads, he's not responding.' His voice now no longer hides his concern. 'Love, can you hear me?'

Liam lands on his feet after he jumps over the couch and kneels down next to Harry. He tries to wake him up in all the ways Louis has already tried – saying his name over and over again, shaking his shoulders, slapping his cheeks.

When James suddenly starts to cry, Louis shouts, 'Zayn, get him out of here.'

Zayn does as Louis says and picks the boy up off the floor. Trying to comfort him, he carries him upstairs.

'Is there anything I can do – should I call 911?' Niall asks while he jumps up and down nervously behind Liam.

'I want to talk to his doctor, I need to – fuck, my phone is in the car.' Louis strokes Harry's hair as he changes his position, too restless to sit still.

Niall looks at the crowd outside and says, 'I'll go get it, I just hope they'll let me through.'

Nodding, Louis quickly takes the car keys out of the pocket of his jeans and gives them to Niall.

'I'll be right back.'

Only he isn't right back. Louis nervously directs his gaze back and forth at Harry and the window, only to see Niall talking to the photographers, furiously throwing his hands up in the air. 

'Why isn't Niall doing anything?' Louis hisses.

Liam sighs while he checks Harry's pulse. 'He's probably asking them to let him through and explaining the situation to them. He can't exactly push them away, he has a reputation to protect too.'

'Yeah, well, Harry has his life to protect.' Louis' eyes are now fixed on Harry's face, and he's starting to sound more and more impatient.

'Don't be so dramatic,' Liam sniffs. 'He's not going to die.'

'Then tell me what's going to happen,' Louis snaps.

'He's going to wake up. He just fainted, probably just panicked. So just calm down.'

Louis leans in closer to Liam and says through his teeth, 'I don't know what the  hell is happening to my husband right now, so don't tell me to calm down.' He leans back again and quickly looks at Harry to see that nothing's changed before he faces Liam again. 'I nearly lost him and he woke up barely three weeks ago. What do you expect me to do?'

When Liam doesn't answer but looks down at the floor instead, Louis suddenly stands up. 'For fuck's sake, I'm not going to sit by and do nothing.'

Liam quickly gets up as well and tries to stop him, but Louis' outside the door before he can. Louis roughly pushes one of the photographers away from Niall, not fully realizing what he's doing. All he can think about is Harry lying on the floor, his eyes rolled back inside his head. He knows in the back of his mind that Liam is probably right and that Harry will wake up soon, but he can't risk it. Not after everything that's happened.

The photographer pushes Louis back while he flashes his camera at him. Louis looks for a way to his car, but there's people everywhere – not just paparazzi, so he figures neighbors came outside to see what the fuzz is about.

'Let me through before you make me do something we'll both regret,' Louis shouts at no one in particular, Niall's hand on his back for support.

'What is going on with Harry right now, is he okay?' a woman shouts at Louis, completely ignoring his statement.

Louis' voice now sounds more desperate than angry when he says, 'No,  he isn't , so please let me through to my car.'

Another photographer pushes Niall aside to take a picture of Harry inside. As a reflex, Louis raises his fist at him. The man sniffs sarcastically. 'You wouldn't dare, you little faggot.'

Louis feels his nails pinch the palm of his hand, but it doesn't hurt like it normally would. 'I would do anything to protect my family.' 

The man laughs at Louis and says, 'Yeah, look how that worked out the last time.'

His comment hurts Louis deep inside his stomach, like he just punched him with both fists. He wants to scream that it's not his fault, that he did everything he could to save William, but he can't get any words out. He swings his arm at the photographer, but before his fist reaches his jaw, Liam yells, 'Louis, come here right now.'

He quickly turns to Niall and grabs his shoulders. 'Get that phone.'

While Louis runs inside, he hears Niall say, 'You have no right to speak to him like that, asshole. Now let me through, for God's sake.'

Harry's awake now, still on the floor with his head in Liam's lap. Louis rushes over to them and squads down next to Harry, grabbing his face with both hands, checking if he's alright. 'Oh, baby.'

'Was that necessary, Louis?' Liam asks irritated. 'Just imagine the headlines.'

Ignoring Liam, Louis focuses solely on Harry, who looks a bit disoriented but okay. 

'Louis, don't ignore me.' 

Shaking his head, Louis says, 'I couldn't care less about headlines, Liam. I never have, you should know me better than that.'

Harry smiles faintly when Louis helps him sit up, leaning against his chest.

Sniffing sarcastically as he watches them, Liam says, 'Yes, you showed how much you don't care by being in a fake relationship with Eleanor for years.' 

Getting angry, Louis looks up from Harry to face Liam and says, 'I did that to protect Harry, you know that. He cared about the headlines because he was scared, and our management cared, not me.'

'So basically you were the hero taking the fall to save us all, weren't you?' Liam wipes some dust off the back of his jeans as he stands up and leans on the table behind him.

'Yeah, I guess I was,' Louis says, sounding just as sarcastic as Liam now. 'You know, I'm sorry I wasn't more like you back then.'

'What is that supposed to mean?'

Louis shakes his head again. 'The perfect heterosexual in the perfect relationship with the perfect girl.'

Liam throws his hands up in the air in disbelieve. 'That has absolutely nothing to do with this.'

'That has everything to do with this,' Louis snaps. 'But hey, now I'm the one in the perfect marriage while you're getting a divorce, so what do you know?'

After staring at Louis a little longer, Liam shakes his head and leaves the room. 

'Jesus,' Louis whispers to himself while Harry moves against him, sitting up and turning a bit to look at him. 

'Nice one, honey.' Harry doesn't sound angry, but smiles at him, even though it's slight. It's not a smile that says that he agrees with him, but more a smile that says 'I know you'.

'I'm sorry.' Louis' voice is still no more but a whisper.

Harry holds his hand and squeezes it shortly. 'For some reason you've always felt like you owe me an apology after you do something wrong. I hate to break it to you, but he's the one you need to apologize to.' When Louis nods and smiles faintly, Harry adds, 'I'm sorry too.'

'What, now you're apologizing to me?' Staring at his hand in Harry's, Louis laughs softly, but Harry lifts Louis' chin with a finger to make him face him. His face is all serious when he says, 'I'm sorry for putting you through all this.'

Louis starts to say that it's not his fault, but halfway down the sentence, he grabs one of James' toys from the floor and throws it across the room. 'Fuck!'

'It's okay to be angry, Lou.' Harry's face is still nothing but understanding and Louis can't look at it. When he's mad at himself, he can't face Harry, especially if he still looks him like he's the most beautiful man he's ever seen. 

'No, it's not.' Louis rubs his eyes angrily. 'God, I'm so tired of people telling me it's okay to do this, to feel that, but as soon as I do, I get a lecture from Niall, or Liam, or your mum telling me how to do it better. 'It's okay to be sad, but...' I don't know how to handle this.' Finally facing Harry, Louis continues, 'It's great that everybody else seems to know, but I don't and I'm the one stuck in this situation.'

Harry now takes both Louis' hands in his and rubs their backs with his thumb. 'You're not stuck. It's getting better. I know it sucks right now, but we'll get through it. You said it yourself – everything will be okay as long as we have each other.'

Finally calming down, Louis kisses Harry's lips shortly. As if closing the subject he asks, 'How are you feeling?'

'Just a little lightheaded, but -' Harry is interrupted by Niall running towards them. 'Guys, I've got the phone.'

When Louis stands up to take it from him, he sees there's blood on Niall's face. 'Mate, what the hell happened to your forehead?'

'Got hit by a camera.' Niall gives the phone to Louis and wipes some blood away with the back of his hand. 'Don't worry, it was an accident.'

Louis shakes his head while he looks for Doctor Sawyer's number in his phone. 'Bloody paparazzi,' he whispers. 'Niall, could you keep an eye on Harry – give him some water, food, whatever he needs? I'll be over there.' 

 

When Louis crosses the hallway upstairs, he sees Liam sitting on Niall's bed. Even though the door is open, he knocks and waits for him to answer. ' Liam, can I come in? '

' What for? ' Liam doesn't even look up from his hands in his lap. ' So you can use my failed marriage as a punchline again? '

Louis shakes his head. ' No, to do the opposite. I've come to apologize. '

Looking up at Louis, Liam sounds sarcastic again when he says, ' Imagine that, an apology from the  M ighty Tomlinson. '

' I'm not that boy you used to know anymore, Liam. ' Louis walks towards the bed and sits down half a meter away from Liam. 

' Actually, I wish you were, ' Liam says. ' Because he never spoke to me like you just did. ' When Louis doesn't respond, Liam turns to face him. ' Is this how you speak to people now? Do you talk to Harry like that? '

Louis frowns and shakes his head. ' No. '

' No, of course not. ' Liam laughs sarcastically. ' Because Harry is perfect. '

' Are you  seriously comparing our friendship to my love for Harry right now? '  Staring at the man sitting beside him, Louis says, ' You were my friend a long time ago. He is the father of my childr-  Son.'

Liam shakes his head. ' Actually I was comparing our friendship to how it used to be, but apparently we're not friends anymore. ' 

When Liam tries to stand up, L ouis pulls him back down on his arm. ' Well, if you want to talk about friendship – where were you? Where were you when I needed you most? '

Startled by Louis'  question , Liam sits back down and stares at him as he says, ' Louis, I didn't know you needed me. '

' Oh spare me, Liam. You knew exactly what was going on – with Harry, with William... I didn't expect you to be at my doorstep the next day, but a phone call would have been nice. '

After fidgeting with his hands for a while, Liam looks up again. ' Why don't you say this stuff to Zayn? '

Louis shrugs. ' Because he's not on my back like you are. He seems to realize that he has no right to interfere now when he didn't bother to for so long. ' Because Liam doesn't respond, Louis adds, ' And speaking  of punchlines, you brought up my relationship with Eleanor, even though you know that that was the hardest time of my life, and worse for Harry. I don't even know why the hell I'm apologizing. ' He walks away and is almost at the door when Liam's voice stops him. 

' You're right. And by the way, my marriage might not have failed as bad as I thought. '

A little hesitant, Louis turns around. ' What do you mean? '

Liam shrugs and smiles faintly. ' I spoke to Sophia, and even though she still seems to be mad at me for whatever reason, she's missed me since I've been here. She wants me to come home and see if we can work things out. '

Nodding slowly, Louis walks back to the bed and sits down. ' Well, you might want to wait a little while... Until after our wedding. '

' What? ' Liam doesn't frown, but his eyes widen. 

' Harry and I are having another wedding. ' When Liam starts to laugh Louis says, 'Y ou know  it was Harry's idea,  don't even mock me.' He can't help but laugh too. ' But he's right – there's no better time for a new start  then the present . And part of the ceremony will be dedicated to William. Even though you're being an absolute arse right now, I still want you to be there. '

'Thanks,' Liam says softly as he chuckles some more. 'When do you think it will be?'

Louis shrugs thinking, because they haven't really planned it yet. 'Not sure. Harry said he wants to do it soon, but we have to invite people so I'd say in about two weeks.'

Smiling, Liam says, 'It's good. Well, I was planning on flying home tomorrow, so I'll fly back here whenever it's happening.'

'Thanks, mate. Is Zayn going home too?'

Liam shakes his head. 'Perrie's still on tour so he still feels like there's nothing to go home for. He's staying here at least until she's back.'

'Okay,' Louis says. 'Well, I think I should go downstairs, see how Harry's doing and all.'

When he tries to stand up, Liam grabs his hand, so Louis turns around to look at him. 

'I'm sorry, Louis.' The look in his eyes tells Louis he means it. 'You know, we've never fully seen eye to eye, but at the end of the day I still consider you my brother.  An apology isn't going to help you now, but I really am sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. It'd been so long since we'd last spoken that I wasn't sure how you'd react if I contacted you. I see now that I should've just reached out.'

Smiling, Louis nods in understanding. 'I know, it's okay.'

They both stand up and wrap their arms around each other – Louis' arms around his waist and Liam's around his neck. In a way, it feels weird to Louis to stand there hugging him in the middle of Niall's bedroom, but in another, it's the most sincere hug he's shared in ages. 


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter! For the people who've missed it; it took me so long to post a new chapter because I've been battling depression. I think I'm going to continue writing again now, but if it takes a while for me to update, you know why. I hope you understand. X

 

 

Twenty

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

'W hat did his doctor even tell you?' Liam asks after he lets go of Louis.

'That it was probably nothing – he just panicked and fainted.' When Liam raises an eyebrow at Louis, he adds, 'Yeah, yeah. You were right, you happy now?'

Grinning, Liam says, 'No, I'm just glad he's okay.' He follows Louis to the door. 'So you're getting married again, huh?'

'Yes, it's crazy.' Louis shakes his head thinking about all they have to plan. 'But the others don't know yet, including James, so don't mention it.'

Smiling broadly, Liam raises his eyebrows again. 'I'm the first to know?'

Louis laughs at his proud face and rubs a hand down his own. 'Don't flatter yourself, I still think you're a dick.'

'I love you too, man.' Ruffling Louis' hair, Liam pulls him in close and presses a kiss on his temple. Louis playfully pushes him away and laughs as he walks out of the room and down the stairs. 

'Have you two calmed down  a bit ?' Niall looks up at them as they enter the living room. He's sitting on the couch next to Harry, who is wrapped up in a fleece blanket and drinking a cup of tea. Just a small line of sun lights his face, making it seem paler than it actually is. Niall's closed the curtains because of the paparazzi still waiting outside, making the room a bit dark and dusty, almost mysterious.

Louis nods smiling and walks over to Zayn sitting in one of the armchairs, James on his lap. When Louis reaches them, James stretches out his arms so that his father can pick him up. 'Come here, boy,' Louis whispers.

Niall gets up from the couch and says, 'You can sit here, Lou. Anyone else fancy a cup of tea?'

They all nod, even James who rarely drinks tea because it's too hot for him, so Louis laughs at him as he sits down next to Harry. He places James on his right thigh and holds out his left arm so that Harry can lean into him. After he quickly finishes his tea, Harry puts the cup on the coffee table in front of them and then snuggles up to Louis, who wraps his arm around him tightly. 

Louis presses a kiss on both Harry and James' heads and smiles. 'All the boys I need.'

'You are such a cute family,' Zayn says. 'To be honest, I hope to have one just like you one day.'

'What, with a man?' Niall jokes as he walks back in with six cups of tea, one a little less full than the others for James. 

Zayn laughs loudly and claps his hands. 'No offense, but no thank you.' He leans over towards James and rubs his head. 'But I would like to have such a cute son.'

'Sorry, mate. He's all ours.' Harry's voice is low and slow, like that of someone who is about to fall asleep, and Louis pulls him in even closer. He feels a sudden rush of love coming over him as he realizes how lucky he is to still have him – considering how hard they've had to work for their love and how hard Harry's had to work to stay alive. As if Harry feels it too, he turns  around a bit against Louis and presses a kiss on his shoulder before he snuggles into him a little closer than before. Even after Harry removes his lips from Louis' shoulder, Louis still feels them and he never wants them to go away.

'Can I ask you something?' Liam asks as he grabs a cup of tea. 'How did you two get together? I mean, I know how you guys met, but what happened?' 

Louis frowns. 'Didn't we tell you when we came out to you?'

Liam simply shakes his head and Niall says, 'Not that I remember, no.'

'We were too busy with the consequences.' Zayn's voice is quiet, almost apologetic. He quickly looks over at Liam who nods in agreement. 

Niall shifts in his seat and rushes a hand through his hair. 'But for example, we never knew you were gay. When did you tell each other?' 

Louis smiles. 'We didn't.' Because his friends don't seem to understand, he shrugs. 'We never did. We didn't even know we were until we met each other, we had always had girlfriends.' He sniffs before he continues. 'As you know, it started while we were on the X Factor. We just got along really well and we didn't give it much thought at first. Until one night, Harry crawled into my bed because he couldn't sleep. We just lay next to each other for a while, until suddenly Harry moved in closer and he told me he thought he was falling in love with me. I was too shocked to say anything, I didn't know how to respond. He was embarrassed and tried to leave the bed, but I pulled him back in and kissed him. That was pretty much it, it just kind of happened.'

Louis can't see Harry's face but he just  _knows_ that he's smiling when he says, 'It's not like we stayed up kissing, either. Tell them how cute it was, Lou.'

'Oh, shut up,' Louis laughs, embarrassed.

'No, tell us!' Zayn sounds a little too enthusiastic, so Louis says, 'Dude, you sound like you're in high school, not like you're 31 years old.'

Zayn tries too look offended, but he can't help but laugh. 'I don't care. I still want to know how two of my best mates fell in love.'

'Come on, daddy,' James suddenly says, pulling on Louis' ear. 'Tell the story.'

Unable to say no to his son, Louis shakes his head and continues the story. 'We stayed up for hours, cuddling and describing what we liked so much about each other.' Thinking he's finally done, Louis leans back and starts drawing circles on Harry's arm with his fingertip. 

'So, what was it?' Liam asks confused. 

'What was what?'

With a sigh as if it's obvious, Liam clarifies, 'What was it that you liked about each other?'

'Oh, you know...' Louis can feel his cheeks turn red, so he buries his face in James' curls. The boy pulls away and pushes Louis back. 'You have to tell us, dad.'

Shaking his head again, Louis says, 'You've all got this boy wrapped around your fingers, haven't you?' When he laughs, it's a hoarse laugh and he takes a sip of his tea. 'Well, what I liked about your father back when he was only 16 years old,' Louis says to James. 'Were his curls, of course. Just like yours. And I thought the dimples in his cheeks were adorable. To be honest, I spent quite some time watching them during rehearsals and while you guys were goofing around with him.' Harry looks up to give Louis a quick kiss. 'I'm not done yet,' Louis then says. 'I fell in love with his voice the first time I heard it. It was strong and vulnerable at the same time – kind of like his personality. I noticed straight away that he was confident but also very humble. I really like that about him.' Looking down at Harry, he finishes by saying, 'Well, I guess that's enough feathers up your ass for today.' 

That's what Louis does – try to play it off cool by making a joke when he's actually embarrassed. Although he knows perfectly well what he loves about Harry, and he tells him all the time, it's a whole other story to say it in front of their friends. He remembers one time during their second world tour, they climbed in one of the bunk beds in the tour bus – which was actually way too small for two men, but they didn't mind, because it only meant that they had to get really close to fit – and they spent hours admiring each other. Pointing out body parts that they loved, describing each others' mind, all of it. They giggled a lot and moaned while they made out, and eventually Niall threw his pillow at them telling them to 'stop the romantic bullshit'. With an ache in his chest, Louis had climbed down and into his own bed, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop kissing and touching Harry if he was that close. He stayed awake for the rest of the night, listening to the sounds in the bus – the engine roaring beneath them, Niall's snoring, and a DVD playing that Liam and Zayn forgot to turn off before they fell asleep. Somehow, Louis managed to focus on Harry's breathing – deep and slow, interrupted by short snores from time to time. Louis focused on that sound while he tried to imagine their future. His picture of  it was different than how it turned out to be. Sure, he knew they would get married someday and maybe even have children, but he couldn't have known that they would move to Los Angeles – away from their families, starting their own. Expecting theirs to grow up in a different country than they were raised in. All his life, he heard people describe the love they felt for their children, but he didn't know his heart would be so full, so proud, it would feel like it could explode at any time. 

But it is. And here  _he_ is, holding his entire universe in his arms. Looking to his left, he sees his world – the ground he stands upon, the air he breathes. Looking to his right, he sees the sun that lights up his world. And he sees himself floating somewhere in between. Maybe he doesn't give himself enough credit, because describing their family like this, it sounds like he's not relevant. That without him, the world would still turn, and the sun would still shine, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that's not true. 

His thoughts are interrupted by Harry's voice, dragging him back to reality. 'Now it's my turn,' he says, sitting up a little straighter. 'What I love about Louis, is that he tries to act all tough, even though he's  short and he's the sweetest person I've ever known. Back in the day, I used to love how obnoxiously loud he was.' They all laugh at the memory of Louis running around the house they used to live in while they were on the X Factor, screaming and singing. Scaring and pranking them. 'I appreciate that he's not afraid to be serious when he has to be – usually. But what I fell in love with back then, was the promise of who he would be some day.'

'Sorry I've let you down.,' Louis jokes, not knowing how to handle himself. 

'You haven't. Not once.' As sarcastic as Louis just sounded, as serious Harry sounds now. 'Everyone has their lesser moments, but there hasn't been a day when I wasn't proud of you – even if it was just for a second.' Green eyes locked with blue, Harry whispers, 'I love you, Lou. With all my heart.'

Louis swallows, pushing back a tear, before he says, 'Save something for the wedding.'

'Wait, what wedding?' Niall shifts to the edge of his seat, looking at Louis, then Harry, and back at Louis. 

'We're getting married again.' Not even trying to hide his smile, Louis looks down at James, whose jaw has dropped and whose eyes are wide.

'He proposed again!' Harry says happily, holding his hand up in the air, showing the exact same ring he's worn for five years now. 

Louis laughs. 'Not really, babe, but okay.'

'I bet it was your own idea, Haz,' Niall says teasing, but he's smiling from cheek to cheek. 

Pouting, Harry looks at Louis. 'I just want to marry you again.'

Louis removes his arm from James' shoulders, and hugs Harry tightly. 'You will, Curly. It will be a beautiful day – night.'

'Can I be in the wedding?' James gets up from Louis' lap and starts jumping up and down on the couch. 

Louis grabs one of his legs and  tells him to sit down. 'Of course you can.' When he's taken both James' Converse shoes off, and the boy starts to jump again, Louis turns back to Harry and presses a kiss on his lips. Harry opens his mouth to smile, and Louis uses the opportunity to let his tongue slip in. They kiss for a while under the disapproving sounds of their mates, and eventually they stop to laugh. Louis quickly kisses the tip of Harry's nose before he leans back in the couch. 'We were thinking of combining the wedding with a ceremony for William, since Harry hasn't really had a chance to say goodbye to him.' He finds Harry's hand and squeezes is shortly. 'And of course we'd like all of you to be there – with your girlfriends and wives and children and what not.'

Niall leans back and throws his hands in the air as if saying 'not me', and Zayn just nods. 'I'll see if Sophia wants to come, and if not, I'll just bring Melissa,' Liam says, barely showing emotion. 

Harry frowns with questioning eyes. 'She's more than welcome, don't get me wrong, but weren't you getting a divorce?'

'I haven't had a chance to tell you yet, but I'm flying back to England tomorrow to see if we can work things out. She seems to want to.' 

'Do you want to?' Harry asks.

'Sure I do.' Liam nods and smiles. 'She's the one who wanted to get a divorce, I never really planned on giving up on our family. I think this trip came at the right time – you never know what you have until it's gone.'

'Well, I knew perfectly well what I had and I hated every minute that I didn't have it,' Louis says, referring to Harry. He's not saying it to direct the conversation back to them, he's actually saying it as a joke. Fortunately, they've known him long enough to know that, and they just laugh. 

'I hope it works out, mate,' Zayn says before he rubs his eyes tiredly. 'I'm actually feeling a bit better about Perrie, too. I think it was just wrong for me to sit at home without her, gave me too much time to think and miss the time when we still used to be a band. Being here and hearing about your problems, I've realized things aren't so bad for me.'

'Good.' Louis smiles and directs his gaze from Zayn to Niall. 'Well, we're all looking at you now, Ni. Need a little matchmaking?' 

Niall laughs as he presses himself up off the couch. 'Oh, shut up. It'll happen when the time's right.' He smiles, but his eyes are a little sad, and Louis regrets making a joke of it. Niall clears his throat and smiles a little wider before he turns around to make his way to the kitchen. 'So, who wants dinner?'

 

It's a little past eleven by the time Louis and Harry decide to take off. The paparazzi outside have given up, packed their bags and left, and James has been asleep for hours. Louis carries him downstairs, wrapped up in his blanket, his head resting against his daddy's shoulder – warm and safe. After he puts him in the car seat, Louis goes back inside to get Harry. He holds his step when he walks past Niall and grabs his arm.

'You know it was just a joke earlier, right?' he says. 'I didn't mean anything by it, you know me.'

Niall nods and shrugs to shake Louis' hand off of him. 'I know, it doesn't matter. But that doesn't take away the fact that I am alone.'

A little startled by Niall's movement, Louis cautiously moves to embrace him, and he is taken by surprise when he lets him. 'I know.' He sighs and rubs Niall's back. 'But what you said is true – it will happen when the time is right. You'll meet someone and have all the things you've ever wanted.'

After Louis lets him go, Niall says, 'Maybe, but I can't stop wondering what will happen if I don't.'

'Then we'll move to some weird country that allows a three-person-marriage and we'll marry you.' They both laugh and shake their heads at the idea. 'I just refuse to believe that there isn't someone out there who can love you as much as I love Harry.'

'And as much as Harry loves you,' Harry suddenly says, hugging Louis from behind with the blanket hanging from his shoulders. The cold and shock from this afternoon hasn't quite left his body yet. 'What are you two talking about?'

Louis sees the same sad look in Niall's eyes as he did that afternoon – the one he has when his smile doesn't reach his eyes – and he looks at him with compassion, before he turns around to face Harry. 'I was just saying that I'm going to put James to bed when we get home and then I'm going to give you a bath before I put you to bed to... sleep, as well.'

Harry grins at him with sparkles in his eyes. 'No, you weren't, but I like that plan.' He gives Louis a quick kiss before he lets his hands slide down his sides. 'I'm just going to wish Liam a safe flight home and then I'm good to go.'

Wondering once more how he survived the past months without Harry, Louis smiles lovingly as he watches him walk away.

'You're so in love, it's almost disgusting,' Niall says, his Irish accent audible through his laughter. 'Well, go home and enjoy it, mate. I'll be fine.'

Louis nods and rubs Niall's shoulder again. 'I know you will. But if you're ever not, you know where to find me.'

They hug shortly before Louis turns to find Liam. Harry is just on his way out, and when they pass, he slaps Louis' butt playfully. Louis looks back at him and grins, almost running into Liam.

'Oops, sorry, mate.' They shake hands and stare at each other, exchanging looks that share a thousand thoughts. 'I hope you make it home safe, and I wish you all the best with Sophia.' Louis steps forward to wrap an arm around his shoulders. 'We'll give you a call when we've set a date for the wedding, and knowing Harry we'll do so before you even get home, so ask Sophia when you do.'

Liam laughs loudly while he hugs Louis. 'Will do, man. Will do.' After they let each other go, he says, 'I know I won't be gone for long, and we argued just this afternoon, but I've got a feeling I'm going to miss you.'

'Oh, don't get all sentimental on me now, mate. You know I'm not good with that stuff.' He really isn't, Louis. He looks down at his shoes, kicking his feet.

Liam sighs sarcastically. 'And you're supposed to be the oldest one.'

'Oldest, not wisest,' Louis says and he laughs. 'Well, bye for now. And good night, Zayn.'

'Bye,' they say in unison.

On his way out, he hugs Niall one more time and sighs. 'We've got to stop with all the hugs, man. It's turning into an orgy over here.'

Niall laughs. 'Well, you've always said my house would be the perfect set for a bad porno.'

'It would be!' Louis shouts as he runs over to the car and climbs in the driver's seat. He leans so the side to give Harry a quick kiss and says, 'Are you ready?'

It suddenly hits him that this will be the firs time since the accident that they'll be at their house with the three of them, and for some reason he's nervous. It feels like a new start, even though it already began yesterday.

'Where are we going?' James asks from the backseat, his voice so sleepy that Louis isn't sure he's even awake. He squeezes Harry's hand and they smile at each other.

'Home.'


	21. Chapter Twenty One

 

 

Twenty One

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

W hen James is peacefully sleeping in his bed, Louis shuts the door quietly. He tiptoes to his and Harry's bedroom, expecting to see him there, but it's empty.

'Harry?' His voice is barely louder than a whisper, so of course Harry's not going to hear it. 

Louis walks out of the room and to the top of the stairs, but it's dark downstairs, so it's unlikely that he's there. Thinking that he'll show up eventually, Louis starts to make his way back to the bedroom, already taking off his shirt. He's nearly there when he suddenly hears the sound of water. Turning around in the direction the sound came from, he sees a very dim stripe of light under the bathroom door. He crosses the hallway and opens the door, to find Harry sitting in the bathtub, the room only lit by candles. When Harry sees Louis standing in the doorway, he quickly hides a rubber ducky under the bubbles and Louis giggles. 

'What are you doing?'

'I was waiting for you.' Harry smiles widely when he looks up. His hair is tied back into a bun, making every line of his face visible. Louis feels something move inside him, and he's suddenly very aware of his bare torso. 

'You want me to join you?' Louis didn't know his throat was dry until he spoke.

Harry nods slowly, grinning with the same sparkle in his eyes that he had this afternoon. 'I want to bathe you.'

Louis' breath hitches and he swallows, trying to get control of himself. He's supposed to be a grown man, and Harry is his own husband, for Christ's sake. He shouldn't be this excited to see him sitting in a bathtub – their bathtub. 

'I thought the plan was that I was going to bathe you.'

'And then put me to bed, I know.' Harry shrugs with that grin still on his face. He knows that he's in control and that Louis' not used to it, and he loves it. 'But I thought I'd change it. I see you've already removed your shirt. Could you remove the rest too, please?' His eyes go a bit darker as his grin turns into a soft smile.

After clearing his throat, Louis says, 'Can't you do it for me?'

Harry pulls his hands out of the water and seductively plays with his fingers. 'Sorry, my fingers are wet.'

Louis laughs – at himself, for being so goddamn nervous, and at Harry for being so smug right now. He shakes his head before he takes off his shoes, socks, jeans and boxers. He knows that he's hard, especially since Harry's eyes are no longer fixed on his face or torso, but he tries to ignore it. He climbs into the bathtub facing Harry and he tries to kiss him, but Harry puts his hands on his shoulders and tells him to turn around. Louis does as Harry says and sits down between Harry's legs. He feels that Harry's hard against his lower back, and that makes it so much harder to breathe. He doesn't know how long Harry is going to keep up this game – he's tried to before, and he usually gives in before Louis does, but what if this time he doesn't? Harry shifts behind Louis so that his hard-on is right at the top of the parting of his cheeks. Louis feels it pressing up against him, and he hopes that he keeps it there, but Harry pulls Louis closer so that it slides just between his cheeks.

'Shit,' Louis whispers, half moaning. 

Harry laughs softly as he massages Louis' shoulders, trying to make him relax. It works, and Louis closes his eyes as he leans against his chest, letting his head fall back on Harry's shoulder. Harry slowly moves a washing cloth up and down Louis' arms while he softly kisses his neck. Louis' hand is on Harry's thigh and he's sure that his nails are deep inside his skin, but he doesn't care. He needs to find grip somehow – if not on the situation, then on Harry.

Now moving the washing cloth over Louis' chest, Harry uses his free hand to brush Louis' hair back with his fingers, and he softly pulls on it. 

'Haz,' Louis moans, and before he can say anything more, Harry whispers in his ear, 'No matter what you're going to ask, the answer is no.'

Louis groans, but decides to let Harry do to him what he wants and just enjoy it. One thing is for sure, and that is that Harry isn't good enough at this kind of game to tease him like this without fucking him eventually. See, Louis managed it once. It was years before they had kids and they still lived in London. Louis walked around naked all night, and sat beside Harry while he was watching TV. He stroked him everywhere, kissed his neck and face, but not his lips. At some point he yawned, got up from the couch, said goodnight and went to bed. Harry followed him, begging him to fuck him, or at least let him touch him, anything. After what seemed like an eternity, they fell asleep. Louis fucked him the next morning. 

But Harry doesn't have the willpower to do that, so Louis isn't too worried. He's just frustrated. Harry is now moving the cloth up and down his thighs, casually touching his balls in the process, and Louis does his best to think of anything else than where Harry's hands are right now. What should we have for dinner tomorrow? Should I buy a new suit for the wedding? I should call my mom soon. 

None of it is enough to distract him, and his focus is back on Harry pressing up against him from behind. Shit. Am I going to do this, he thinks to himself. Am I really going to beg the dork that I call Harold to fuck me? He waits for what is probably no more than thirty seconds, but what feels like an eternity before he turns around so fast that Harry can't stop him. When Louis moves his legs to sit on top of Harry, the rubber ducky gets stuck between his knee and the bathtub, and Louis throws it out. 

'Hey,' Harry says offended, forgetting for a moment that he's supposed to play tough right now. 

Louis grins as he moves his hips on Harry's. 'Not so smug now, are we?'

Harry goes back to being serious, and he crosses his arms over his chest trying not to look impressed by Louis' movement, but  feeling how hard he is, Louis knows better. 

'Please touch me,' Louis says, trying not to sound too desperate, but Harry simply shakes his head. 'Please, Haz.' Louis leans forward, pressing Harry's head back with one hand, giving his lips access to his neck. When Harry fails to suppress a moan, Louis smiles against his neck. 'You know you want to fuck me, too.'

'Do not,' Harry says, his voice slow and deep. 

'No?' Louis presses himself up a bit and takes Harry's boner in his hand to move t he top against the soft place right below his balls. 'Are you sure?' 

Harry's body shocks as his breath hitches. 'Fuck, Lou. I was supposed to be in control.' 

So this is the part where he gives up, Louis thinks to himself. Harry wraps his arms around Louis' neck and presses his nails into his shoulders, scratching them softly. He sounds impatient when he says, 'Fine, do it, then.'

Louis puts his hands on the sides of the tub to press himself up. 'Wait, I need some...'

'It's under the towels.'

See, Harry was never going to go through with this. Louis shakes his head grinning as he throws aside the towels on the table next to the bathtub, and he finds the bottle of lube. He puts some of it on his finger and uses his finger to put it on and in himself. He then squirts some on Harry and spreads it by slowly moving his hand up and down. 

'Okay, enough,' Harry says under his breath. 

Louis repositions himself and slowly lowers on Harry, moaning as he fills him. He moves slowly – not because it hurts, even though it's been a while, but to tease Harry. It seems to work, because Harry puts his hands on Louis' hips and helps him to move faster.

Putting his hands on either sides of Harry's face, Louis breathes, 'God, Harry, I love you.'

'I don't care, just fuck me,' Harry groans.

Louis stops to move and looks at Harry. 'You don't care that I love you?' he says sheepishly. 

'Fuck, Lou, of course I do, but this is not the time.'

Louis sits down on Harry's lap with him still inside him, and crosses his arms over his chest. 'Says the man who once broke down crying and scratched my back open trying to express his love for me.'

Harry sighs as he squeezes Louis' butt cheeks. 'Babe, I love you to the moon and back, but I was about to come.'

'Oh, was that it?' Louis softly presses his lips on Harry's as he starts to move again, up and down, round and round. They moan and moan as they kiss aggressively – tongues wrestling and teeth bumping. 

Covering Louis' mouth with his hand, Harry groans, 'James is next door.'

Louis bites Harry's hand trying not to scream as he comes in the water, followed by Harry whose mouth is pressed against Louis' shoulder to muffle the sound. They both  exhale loudly as Harry leans back in the bathtub and Louis  rests again st Harry's chest. 

James' voice suddenly breaks the silence as he calls for one of his fathers from his room. Harry groans softly. 'Should I go?'

Louis nods against Harry's chest before he sits up straight. 'Go see what's wrong.' He looks over the side of the bathtub to see that there's multiple puddles of water on the floor. 'I'll clean that up and wait for you in bed.'

They kiss passionately one more time before they climb out of the tub. 

 

'Are you asleep yet?'

Louis grins and switches to his side. He holds the duvet up to welcome Harry. 'How could I possibly fall asleep without you after that?'

Harry climbs in the bed and cuddles up to Louis, resting his head on Louis' arm so that he can see his face. 

'Was it hard to sleep without me? You know,  when I was ...'

Louis feels a tension flow into his body that he doesn't want to feel right now. 'You can't imagine.' He swallows. 'But I'd rather not talk about that. You're here now.'

Their hands find each other, and their fingers tangle up like branches on a tree. Harry brings Louis' hand up to his lips and he kisses the back of it. 

'What did James want?' Louis asks, suppressing a yawn.

'Hm, nothing really. He was just confused because the last time he was awake we were at Niall's.'

'Is he asleep now?'

'Yes. I gave him his monkey, and that was enough. I stayed with him for a while to make sure he wouldn't wake up again, but I couldn't get back to you soon enough.'

Louis laughs endeared. 'Don't you know your children should always come first?'

Harry shifts closer to Louis, burying his nose in the space between his collar bones. 'Sometimes I just can't be away from you, it's always been that way.'

Louis frees Harry's hair from the band keeping it together and moves his fingers through it. He presses his nose in it to take in his scent – the scent that he calls home. Harry is his home. That's why he didn't mind moving to Los Angeles when Harry asked him to; he knew he would be fine anywhere in the world as long as he had Harry. 

'I want to have another baby,' Harry whispers.

'I was waiting for you to bring that up.' 

Harry pushes himself up on his elbows to look at his husband, green locking with blue for the millionth time but never enough. 'I want to have your baby.'

Louis laughs  fondly . 'Maybe they didn't tell you in biology, but men can't get pregnant, babe.'

'I know that.' Harry playfully slaps Louis' shoulder. 'But you know what I mean. James and William were mine – biologically. I want our next child to be yours.  I want her or him to have your eyes, and your hair. '

Louis brushes some strands of hair out of Harry's face and holds them at the sides  of it .  'You want it to be a girl, don't you?' 

Harry smiles and it's almost a shy smile. 'Either way would be fine, of course, but after two boys I would love to have  a  girl, yes.'

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Louis sighs and strokes Harry's cheekbones.  'Have I told you lately how much I love you?'

Pretending to think hard, Harry says, 'I think so, but I don't mind you telling me again.'

'I love you way more than you can imagine,  I really do .' 

Louis wraps his arms around Harry's neck and pulls him on top of  him .  'Let's just get some sleep, it's been a long day.'

Harry kisses Louis softly before he rolls off of him. Pushing Louis a bit to let him lay on his side, Harry spoons him,  and h is voice is deep with sleep when he says, 'Sleep tight, sweetheart. I love you too.'

With a smile on his face and Harry's arms wrapped around him tightly, Louis falls asleep. He dreams of Harry and their life – the life they've lived, and the life they will live. For him, they can't be together long enough, and i n his dream s they are forever and ever. 


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

 

 

Twenty Two

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

W hen Louis wakes up, he moves his hands under the duvet, searching. Because his hands find nothing but covers, he opens his eyes and looks to Harry's side. It's messy, but no longer warm. Sighing and yawning at the same time, he climbs out of the bed and looks at the clock on his phone. It's only eight in the morning. Wondering what Harry could be doing up so early, he puts on some sweatpants and a t-shirt, and leaves the room.  Wh e n he stops at James' bedroom door to hear if there's any noises, there's nothing but silence.

He makes his way down the stairs and through the living room to the kitchen, to find Harry there,  who 's wearing the same type of outfit as Louis,  with his hair is back up in a bun again. Louis frowns when he sees Harry put a plate in the dishwasher. 

'Good morning, babe.' He tries to sound normal, instead of sleepy and worried. 

Harry doesn't turn to him when he answers, but instead focuses on the knife he's putting in the dishwasher. 'Morning.'

'Did you sleep alright?'  After  Louis crosses the kitchen to where Harry is standing,  he puts his hands on his hips. 'You're up quite early.'

'Slept fine.' Moving his hips a bit to get rid of Louis' touch, Harry tries to walk away, but Louis grabs his arm softly, trying not to hurt him. 

'Haz, is something wrong?' Louis asks, his voice now worried but still calm. 'After last night I thought we'd have break-'

Harry turns around to face Louis and says, 'Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.' But his expression shows that he's not fine,  and Louis wonders if he's even slept at all or that he's been up all night.  Smiling faintly as he lets his thumb stroke Harry's arm, the little hairs standing up at his touch,  he says, 'You don't seem fine to me.'

With a sigh, Harry looks at Louis' hand on his arm, and then back up again, his eyes cold. 'Well, I am. Could you let me go now, please?'

'If you tell me what's going on.' All the while Louis tries to keep his voice steady. 'Was it something I said?'

Harry pulls his arm back a bit, but not hard enough for it to be freed of Louis' grip. He sighs again. 'It has nothing to do with anything you've said or done.'

'Then just tell me.' Louis' voice is sweet, and he steps forward to reach for Harry's other arm as well, but Harry now pulls both away and leaves the kitchen. 

'Louis, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave me alone.'

Confused about what's going on, Louis just watches him from a distance as he reaches into the broom closet and pulls out the vacuum cleaner. Harry calling him Louis is a rarity. In fact, Louis thinks now that it only happens when he's being sarcastic or angry. He stands up a little straighter to see what Harry's doing  and says, 'What are you going to do with that, babe? You know you're not supposed to –'

Not looking back at Louis, but pulling the cleaner in the direction of the stairs, Harry interrupts him. 'I'm going to clean William's room.' He pulls a little harder when the cleaner's cord is stuck behind the door. 'You've done an awful job at it.'

Louis decides to ignore Harry's remark, because he figures that telling him that it was his mother's job, isn't the best thing to do right now. He inhales deeply, trying not to turn this into an argument. After he walks over to Harry, he grabs the vacuum cleaner and offers to carry it upstairs for him, because it's too heavy. 

Harry pulls it back and picks it up with both hands. 'Goddammit Louis, just let me do this.'

Resting his hand in his hair, Louis  keep s  an eye on  Harry  making his way up the stairs. With every part of his being he hopes that he makes it alright, but he can already see his knees are starting to buckle. He reaches out a hand, but pulls it back in, afraid he'll startle Harry if he touches him or speaks. 

Harry's made it halfway up when he loses his balance, drops the vacuum cleaner, and falls down the stairs. 

'Haz.' Louis takes a few steps forward and squats down next to his husband to help him up. 

'I can do this,' Harry says through his teeth as he tries to push himself up. He hisses  as he rubs his hip, clearly in pain. 

Louis watches him struggle for a bit, but decides it's enough when he sees a tear  form in the corner of Harry's eye. He moves a little closer to him and sits down, wrapping his arms around him. Harry tries to push him away at first, but eventually gives in and rests his head against Louis' shoulder. Softly pushing away Harry's hand, Louis' takes its place on Harry's hip and rubs it softly. 

'Does it hurt?' he whispers.

Harry nods, the little hairs sticking out of his bun tickling Louis' neck. Shifting back a bit to sit against the wall, Louis pulls Harry on his lap, just like he did in the hospital and in William's bedroom, and cradles him gently. 

'What was that about, babe?' Louis asks and he presses his lips against Harry's temple and keeps them there.

'I just...' 

Louis waits a couple of seconds for Harry to finish his sentence, and when he doesn't, he says in a calm voice, 'Last night was so lovely, though.' He kisses the side of his head again. 'Did you sleep at all?'

Harry shakes his head, but he's silent for a while before he says, 'It was lovely, that wasn't the problem.'

'Then what was?'

'It was...' He sighs loudly. 'Bathing you was lovely. And then I stayed awake to watch you sleep, which was lovely too.'

Because Harry stops talking again, Louis kisses his cheekbone a couple of times and whispers, 'Then what happened?'

'I couldn't sleep, because I- I was too... excited, I guess. Too full of feelings. So I went for a wee and I tried to fall asleep again, but when I couldn't I went to James' room, and I sat at his bedside for a while.' He sniffs when he smiles. 'He's so cute when he's asleep, that boy. Kind of like you. But anyways, for some reason, maybe out of habit, I went to William's room as well.' When he sniffs this time, it doesn't sound like he's smiling, but the opposite. 'I don't know why, but I kind of expected him to be in his crib, but of course he wasn't. Then I sat at his bedside for God knows how long, just holding his stuffed elephant. I think I cried, but I'm not even sure.'

Trying to stop his body from shaking, Louis inhales deeply. This is exactly what he was afraid of, what he told Niall at the hospital – that Harry would break down when he realized William's really gone. He's tried to count the hours he used to sit by his crib too, but he couldn't. When he's sitting there, overwhelmed by emotions, time seems to move tens times as fast, and to stand still at the same time. Nothing seems real there. 

'Then I went downstairs,' Harry continues. 'Made myself a cup of tea and looked at hundreds of photographs. Every one from the day we moved here to the last visit to the zoo.' He shifts a bit on Louis' lap as he fidgets with Louis' shirt. 'Do you remember that picture of you and the boys playing in the bathtub?' Of course Louis remembers. He's spend his nights the way Harry did last night countless of times. He simply nods and Harry smiles sadly. 'I remember being so happy that day. We played the day away on the beach – building sand castles, teaching the kids how to swim. And after you took a bath with them to rinse off the sand, I put them to bed and by the time I got to our bedroom you were already asleep. You were just as exhausted as they were.'

Louis laughs quietly at the memory. Oh, what he'd give to go back and make sure nothing bad would ever happen to them. 'Why didn't you wake me?' His voice sounds a little defeated, disappointed, and he hopes that Harry doesn't hear it, because this isn't about him. 

'Because I didn't want to bother you. It took a lot from you to work through this, too. I don't want you to have to relive it for me.'

So it is about him. Louis takes Harry's head in both his hands and he turns it around a bit so that they can look each other in the eye. 'Baby, I'll relive it a thousand times if it means that eventually you feel even just a little better.' He presses his lips on Harry's shortly. 'I know you've always considered my feelings over your own, but you don't have to this time. I'm not asking you to. In fact, I'm asking you to do the exact opposite.'

Harry stares at Louis as his eyes start to fill with tears again. Eventually he blinks and one escapes, rolling down his cheek. 'I'm just so tired of being sad. And not being able to do anything.'

'Well, you did something last night,' Louis says as he buries his face in the space where Harry's shoulder and neck meet.

Giggling quietly, Harry leans his head against Louis'. 'You know what I mean, Lou.'

'I do. And I understand that it's frustrating, but the doctors told you that it would take some time to get all your strength back. No one expects you to be up and running already, certainly not me.'

'Why are you always so understanding?' Harry whispers and he lets his head hang down. 

'Because I only want what's best for you. And that is to take it easy, and to let me take care of you, and definitely not to carry a vacuum cleaner up the stairs.'

Harry laughs softly. 'I guess that was pretty stupid.'

'It was,' Louis agrees with a soft smile. 'Why did you want to clean his room?'

Harry shrugs. 'To make it feel like there's still life there.'

Louis just nods and rests his head against Harry's. They sit there for what feels like forever, and Louis' bum is hurting from sitting on the hard floor with Harry on top of him, but he doesn't care. They talk – well, mostly Louis – about nothing, really. Louis tries to bring up the wedding, but Harry doesn't seem to be interested right now. It's not that he's annoyed or anything, there's just no strength left in him to think or talk. Eventually, in the middle of Louis' story about James' birthday, Harry falls asleep in Louis' arm. Accepting the fact that he could be sitting there for a long, long time, Louis rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes. 

Just when he's starting to doze off, the doorbell rings. He looks down at Harry, but there's no movement – just calm, deep breathing. Not sure what to do, he carefully tries to move Harry from his lap to the floor. He doesn't mean to wake him, but Harry yawns and rubs his eyes with his fists. He shifts to the floor and sits against the wall, allowing Louis to stand up. 

A little stiff, Louis does so and walks to the door. When he opens it, he sees his mother-in-law. She seems to be very excited and happy about something, and Louis assumes that Harry told her about the wedding. Harry is the type of person that would text message or call his mother right after a proposal while the other person is in the bathroom.

'Morning, Anne.'

'Good morning, love.' She sounds just as happy as she looks when she steps in without Louis asking her to. When she walks past Louis to enter the living room, she sees Harry sitting on the floor. A little unsure of the situation, she glances over at the vacuum cleaner that's lying on its side, just a meter away from where Harry is sitting. 

'Sweetheart, what happened, are you okay?' She squats down next to him and caresses his hair. 

Harry pushes himself up a bit and his voice is deep with sleep when he speaks. 'I'm fine, mum. I just fell down the stairs, that's all.'

Anne turns around to look at Louis, her eyebrows raised and eyes questioning. 'Hey, don't look at me,' Louis says, his eyebrows raised as well and his arms crossed over his chest. 'Your son can be very stubborn.'

Shaking her head, Anne turns back to Harry. 'You know you're supposed to keep calm, baby. Listen to your doctors.'

'Louis already gave me the lecture, mum. No need to do it again.' Harry rubs his eyes again. 

Louis leans forward to lift up his chin. 'You're tired, aren't you?'

'Exhausted.'

Facing Anne now, Louis says, 'I'm sorry, Anne. You just got here, but I think it's best if I take him to bed.'

'I can do it myself.' Harry now looks a bit annoyed as he tries to stand up, but he flinches at the pain in his hip. 

Smiling at Harry's determination, Louis takes hold of his arm to help him up and says, 'Even if you could, I want to do it. Come on.'

Harry says his goodbyes to his mother as he stumbles up the stairs, leaning on Louis and trying not to put too much weight on the side where he's hurting. 

'Just make yourself a cup of coffee,' Louis says over his shoulder. 'I'll get dressed quickly and see if James is up and then I'll come downstairs again. Make yourself at home.'

 

Louis pulls the duvets up to right under Harry's chin while he sits down on the side of the bed. He watches him get comfortable and smiles to himself. Harry looks little and warm and cuddly wrapped up like that, and Louis wishes he could snuggle up to him, but he can't. He hears noises coming from James' room, and his mother-in-law is waiting for him downstairs. This is no time to cuddle. 

'Do you have to go?' Harry asks in a whiny voice while he frees his hair from his bun and spreads it out over his pillow.

Great, Louis thinks to himself. Make it even worse. 'I really don't want to, but I have to.' He realizes how sad he sounds and he laughs softly thinking how juvenile they still are around each other, like boys who haven't been together for much longer than a month. It's moments like these when he doesn't feel like they've been together for fourteen years. He's seen him fall asleep thousands of times, and it still gives him butterflies. 

'What?' Harry frowns and Louis shakes his head. 'Nothing. Just thinking how cute you are like this.'

Rolling on his side, closer to Louis, Harry says, 'You always think I'm cute.'

'That's true, but like this, you're extra cute.' Leaning forward, Louis covers Harry with his upper body, holding him close. He kisses the side of his head and sighs. 'I should get dressed and go downstairs. You should get some sleep anyway.'

Moaning, Harry rubs Louis' knee and says, 'Yeah, I guess.'

Sitting up straight again, Louis brushes Harry's curls with his fingers. 'If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, okay? I don't care if you need a drink, something to eat, a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell at – I'm here.' 

He means it. He'd rather have Harry yell and scream at him, even punch him until he feels better, than have him act like he did this morning. If there's one thing that Louis can't stand, it's the cold shoulder from Harry. Getting the cold shoulder from anyone sucks, but from Harry it's unbearable. He remembers one time when they were on tour, Harry basically ignored him for an entire day, even when they were on stage, and Louis went crazy. He went over everything he'd said and done looking for something that Harry could be mad about, but he found nothing. Eventually he broke down and asked him while they were backstage to change their clothes, and it turned out that Harry had just been worried about his voice. He'd had a cold for days, and it was taking its toll on his voice. Ever since, whenever Harry acts like that, Louis tries to remember that it might not even be because of him, but it still worries him. 

'I don't want to yell at you, Lou,' Harry says with a soft smile on his face.

'Not the point. The point is that I'm here if you need anything.'

'Okay.' 

Harry pulls the duvet up a little higher and closes his eyes, but Louis sees that he's peeking. Suppressing a laugh, he takes his clothes off while he makes his way over to the closet. Knowing that Harry is watching, he drops his boxer shorts slowly and bends over a little deeper than necessary to pick them up off the ground. 

'Not fair,' Harry suddenly says, his voice filled with sleep. 

Letting out a laugh, Louis claps his hands. He walks back to the bed and presses one last kiss on Harry's forehead. 

'Gives you something to dream about.'

 

Apparently Anne has taken Louis' advice, because he finds her sitting on the couch, reading today's newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee. She talks to James for a while, who climbs on her lap the minute he comes downstairs. Louis' glad, because it gives him a chance to make breakfast without James running around him and chatting his ears off. Because of Harry's little accident, it's now eleven o'clock and Louis and James still haven't eaten. Luckily, James likes his sleep and he barely even noticed that Louis took him downstairs later than usual. 

They eat their pancakes at the dining room table – James' covered in maple syrup, and Louis' less stuffed with berries. So far they've only made small talk, but Louis knows that he's going to have to have a real conversation with Anne. In a way he's dreading it. She has every right to be worried about her son after what she walked in on that morning, but it hasn't been very long since her and Louis buried the hatchet, and Louis' afraid she might lose trust in him again. He doesn't feel like explaining why it's not his fault, defending himself. But maybe he's overthinking it and it won't be so bad, he thinks to himself. 

Not long after Louis and James finish their pancakes, Anne asks Louis if they can talk – alone. He nods quietly as he puts the plates in the dishwasher and sends James to his room. 

With two fresh cups of coffee, Anne and Louis sit down on the couch in the living room, Louis' leg folded beneath him. 

'So,' Louis starts awkwardly. 'You got here quite early.' He's trying to postpone the actual conversation they're supposed to be having, but knowing Anne, it won't work for too long.

Anne nods and smiles. 'I wanted to congratulate the two of you in person – the wedding and all.' After Louis thanks her she says, 'That's not what I want to talk to you about right now, though.' Here we go, Louis thinks. 'Or actually, it is. Do you think this is the right time to have a wedding, Louis?'

Nervous, Louis shifts a bit in his seat, hoping this isn't going to turn into a lecture. Even a discussion would be better than a lecture. 'Why wouldn't it be, if I may ask?' he decides to ask, as if her reasons aren't obvious.

'Well.' She pauses to think, folding her hands in her lap. 'What was that scene this morning about? Is Harry doing okay?'

Louis shrugs. 'Under the circumstances, yes. He's just had a bad night, thinking about William and everything. Nothing that wasn't to be expected.'

Anne nods slowly, looking to the side. 'How did him having a bad night result in him falling down the stairs, though?'

'I'm sorry, Anne,' Louis says, pushing himself up a bit to pull his leg out from under him. 'But is this some kind of interrogation?'

She raises her eyebrows at his boldness. 'I'm sorry if it feels like one to you, but I'm worried about my son, like any parent would be.'

'Well.' Louis lets a sigh escape his mouth. 'Harry wanted to clean William's room, so he tried to carry the vacuum cleaner up the stairs, which he is obviously too weak for.' He keeps his face straight, a bit annoyed.

'And you didn't try to stop him?'

Louis sniffs. 'Is that how little you think of me? Didn't you leave this image of me being an irresponsible husband behind after our last argument?'

'Louis, I'm not accusing you of anything.' She now shifts in her seat too, clearly uncomfortable. 'I'm just trying to understand what happened.'

'What happened is that I tried to stop him, but that he pushed me away and told me to let him do it.' Louis realizes that he comes across more hostile than he means to, and he tries to sound a little calmer now. 'I thought it would be better to show him that he couldn't do it than to tell him, since he wouldn't listen.'

Anne nods again, but she still doesn't fully understand. 'Maybe if you'd just –'

'Again, I'm sorry, Anne, but you're not with him every day.' Louis rubs his hand down his face. 'If he's having one of those moods, it's best to just let him go. Let him process things on his own terms. I didn't mean for him to fall down the stairs, either.'

Apparently Anne decides to let it rest, because her voice is softer now as she asks, 'Is he asleep now?'

Louis nods, smiling faintly at the thought of Harry sleeping, curled up and making soft noises. 'I checked on him before I took James downstairs.'

'Okay,' Anne says, now smiling too. 'Does he have those moods often – is he sad a lot?' 

'I expected it to be worse, to be honest. He's really doing great. He's still struggling, though. Tired of being sad and not being able to do anything, as he says.' Louis shrugs. 'I just try to be supportive and remind him that it takes time.'

'I'm glad you're still around Louis, I have to admit that –'

Louis shakes his head as he speaks, his voice filled with disbelieve. 'You thought I'd leave him.'

Sighing, Anne looks at her hands in her lap and then up at Louis. 'It's just that –'

'I can't believe you.' Louis sniffs sarcastically, as if this is all a sick joke. 'What was that bullshit on the beach about then, huh? We have been together for  _fourteen years_ . We have stuck together through everything, and you think I'd leave him. Just like that.'

She holds up her hand to shut him up. 'You're getting this all wrong, Louis. Stop twisting every word I say. I meant that I don't think everyone would be strong enough to stay with their partner through something like this. I'm saying that I'm proud of you.'

'You're proud of me?' Louis whispers, taken by surprise and confused.

Anne moves a little closer to him and takes both his hands in her own. 'Very proud. Louis, when are you going to start being proud of yourself? I worry about you sometimes – not about how you treat Harry, because I know you'd do anything in your power and beyond for my boy, but how you treat yourself.'

His eyes wide, Louis looks up at her. He feels sorry for being so hostile, defensive, when she was trying to tell him that she's proud of him. She's right – he isn't proud of himself and he doesn't understand why he should be. Wasn't it wrong of him to stop visiting Harry in the hospital? To deny James of seeing his father when he wanted to so badly? 

'You know how I felt about you not visiting Harry,' she continues, as if she can read Louis' thoughts. 'But that's in the past, Louis. I've moved on from that, and so should you. It's about what you do now. You seem to be very unsure of doing things right, but believe me, you do.' She lets go of one of Louis hands to stroke the side of his face. 'I'm sure Harry didn't tell you, but he called me up last night after you fell asleep. He called me to tell me about the wedding, and to ask me how I was doing, but he spent forty minutes talking about you – I checked.'

Louis' starting to tear up, suddenly overwhelmed with regret for falling out to her and love for Harry, fighting the urge to run upstairs and cuddle up to him and never let him go. 

Smiling lovingly, Anne continues. 'He described every feature of you, even though I know damn well what you look like. I let him, because it was too cute to stop. He also said that he doesn't understand how he can be this in love with someone he's known for so long. That he knows all your flaws and imperfections, but that they don't diminish his love for you one bit. Lastly he said that he can't wait to marry you again.' She's now starting to tear up as well, but her smile only grows wider. 'So go do what you're dying to do and go upstairs. Be with him. Don't let your old mother-in-law stop you.'

Louis giggles. 'You're not old,' is all he manages to say through his tears. 

'Maybe not.' She laughs. 'But go. I'll take James for the day.'

Not sure what to do, because all he wants to do is fly up the stairs, but also to somehow show his gratitude, Louis leans forward to hug her. Her hug feels like a real mother's hug. He doesn't know what makes it feel that way, but it does. There are a thousand things he wants to thank her for – for giving him Harry, for being a great grandmother for James, for finally understanding him, for being proud of him – but there's no way to say all that. Not with the lump in his throat making it so hard to speak, the adrenaline running through his veins making it hard to sit still. So instead he looks her in the eye with the most sincere look he can manage and says two simple words.

'Thank you.' 


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

 

 

 

Twenty Three

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

I t's six in the morning when his phone rings. At first, Louis refuses to answer it, but he's too curious to see who's calling when it doesn't stop ringing. His face lights up, a smile forming from cheek to cheek, when he sees Harry's name on the little screen. One eye open and the other one squeezed shut against his pillow, he slides his thumb over the glass. 

'You're not getting cold feet, are you?'

'Not a chance in hell.' The voice on the other side of the line sounds just as sleepy as Louis'. 'I miss you, Lou.'

Louis grins and covers his face with his hand, like he's embarrassed even though no one can see him. 'I miss you too. Why did we think this was a good idea?'

Harry sighs. 'I don't know about you, but I never did, Gemma forced me.'

It's the morning of their wedding day, and Louis and Harry wanted it to be just like their first. Part of having a traditional wedding is sleeping apart the night before, and Louis has no idea why he agreed to it. It took him at least two hours to fall asleep, and during the night he woke up about four times, his hands searching the bed for warmth but finding nothing. Harry is staying over at Gemma's, and James is with Anne and Robin. The house feels empty without them, and Louis is glad Harry called him, because he didn't want to be the first one to do it. 

Moaning, Louis suggests, 'Can't you just come home?'

'No, Lou. She'd murder me. Besides, I'm not allowed to drive a car yet.'

'You've only been out of the hospital for two weeks and I'm already without you again.' Louis is sad, really really sad, aching for Harry. He saw him just last night and he'll see him again in mere hours, but it feels like they're spending a year apart. 

'It's just so that I can promise you in a couple of hours that I'll stay with you forever.'

'You already promised me that five years ago.' 

'I know.' Harry sighs through the phone and it's a sound that warms Louis' heart. 'I can't wait to see you, and James.'

'Me neither, love.' 

They don't speak for a while after that, and Louis feels himself doze off again. The sound of Harry's breathing calms him, and because he can hear Harry's breaths becoming less frequent, he guesses that he's falling asleep too. He just lays there, listening to Harry, trying to imagine that he's beside him, but it's not the same. He misses Harry's touch, his warmth. His warmth is what Louis really needs right now, because he's cold with nerves for the day ahead. Going over everything in his mind for the millionth time, he knows that everything's being taken care off, but he can't seem to relax. He won't be able to until him and Harry are standing in front of the officiant, holding each other's hand. 

Their mothers and sisters have taken care of everything – Louis' mum arrived a week ago, and his siblings a few days later with their father. All Louis and Harry have had to do themselves, was buy a suit and pick out rings, only to decide that they'll keep the same rings they've worn for five years now. Buying new ones felt like erasing those years, like they never even happened at all. Worse than their love going to waste, would be pretending like William never happened, like he was never in their lives. That didn't seem fair, so they'll keep wearing these rings, and continue to carry the memories, even if that means carrying the bad ones as well. 

Gemma told them to take off their rings five days ago, and they've been with her ever since, safely hidden. Louis' never felt more naked, more vulnerable. During the years they've been married, even if Harry wasn't with him, Louis had to only touch his ring and he was by his side again. 

When he went shopping for a suit with his mum, Louis felt just like he did when he was twenty eight years old and getting married for the first time. He stood in front of the mirror, looking at himself wearing a brand new suit, and the bare ring finger on his left hand. The white line surrounding the bottom of it was the only thing that reminded him of the past years, and it all felt quite surreal. He kept telling his mum how nervous he was, and she kept reminding him that he is marrying the man that he is already married to and that he knows better than the back of his own hand. 

Sometimes Louis wonders if that is true – that he knows everything there is to know about Harry. Sure, there is not one part of his body that Louis hasn't explored, but his mind can still be hard to read from time to time. Actually, Louis knows that Harry's expressions are crystal clear, but sometimes he refuses to believe them. It's hard to realize that everything Harry does and feels is for Louis. He never pities himself, never feels bad for himself, even though Louis sometimes feels bad for him. Apparently they are the same in that way, and there was a time when Louis assumed that that was just how all married couples are, but now he's not so sure. 

'Lou?' Harry's sleepy voice brings Louis back to reality, and he rubs his eyes with the back of his fist. 

'Yes, Harold?'

After hesitating for a few seconds, Harry asks, 'Is there any way I can see you before tonight?' The way he asks it is careful, cautious, and Louis grins from cheek to cheek, reminded of why he loves this man so much. 

'I'm afraid not, Haz. There's no way Gemma is letting you leave and Niall is coming over in a few hours, so I guess we're stuck.'

'In a few hours, huh?' Harry sounds cheeky and Louis immediately knows what he's getting at. He  presse s his face  in his pillow , knowing that what he's about to say is bad. 

'Well, Gemma's house isn't too far away, so I guess I could be back before Niall gets here...' 

Laughing through the phone, Harry says, 'I was hoping you'd say that.'

 

Louis leans against the side of his car and he feels like he's eighteen years old again, back when him and Harry had to meet when everyone else was asleep. He's cozy in his light gray sweatpants, dark blue hoodie and his black leather jacket, and he's waiting for Harry to come outside. The little spotlights in Gemma's overhang light the path to the door and Louis looks at it, starting to feel nervous and impatient. Again he wonders how Harry's coma could have been such a blessing for their relationship. It already felt nothing short of perfect to them, but Louis can't remember  be ing this nervous every time he was about to see Harry before the accident. And it's a good nervous too, never bad. Nothing but butterflies.

He takes his phone out of his pocket to check the time – again – just as Harry comes walking through the door. Both their faces light up when their eyes lock, and they walk over to each other, meeting in the middle. Harry lets out a sigh of relief when Louis takes him in his arms. 

'I didn't think it was possible to miss you this much.' His words are muffled by the fabric of Louis' sweater on his shoulder. 'Promise me I'll never have to sleep without you again.'

Louis smiles as he moves his fingers through a handful of Harry's hair. 'If you promise me back.'

'I promise,' Harry says and his teeth chatter as he gets even closer to Louis.

Figuring that he's cold because he's only wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt – not even socks or shoes – Louis asks him if he wants to sit in the back of the car. He's already put James' car seat in the trunk on top of Harry's wheelchair – which they really should return to the hospital, since he hasn't used it once. 

'Better?' 

They're lying on the backseat, which isn't extremely comfortable because it's too short, but it'll have to do for now.

'So much better,' Harry says as he brushes Louis' hair with his fingers. 

Louis was just referring to the temperature, but by the sound of Harry's voice, he guesses he means that even lying on a crappy backseat together is better than sleeping in a comfortable bed alone. And he can't blame him. 

Louis presses his ear against Harry's chest. 'My favorite sound,' he mutters.

'What's that?'

'Your heartbeat. Or as our beloved son would call it; the boom boom inside your chest.'

They both laugh as they cuddle into each other and Louis takes in Harry's scent. Without speaking, their hands move over their bodies – not in a sexual way, but more romantic. Just tender strokes. The orange light of the rising sun outside gently lights their faces, making everything look softer. 

'I'm nervous,' Harry says quietly, like he's speaking to himself. 

Louis moans softly as he shifts a bit against him. 'I was just thinking how good it feels to lay here.'

'I'm certainly not nervous about this.' Making a soft noise as he grins, Harry massages Louis' shoulder. 'I meant the wedding. I just hope it does William justice without making it too dramatic  or too sentimental.'

Slowly nodding against Harry's chest, Louis says, 'Well, it's definitely going to be emotional, but that's not a bad thing at all.'

'I'm just glad we don't have to sing the song.'

For a minute they thought of singing a song for William that Louis wrote right after his passing, but Niall, Liam and Zayn offered to do it instead, because Harry couldn't even make it through the song without crying during rehearsals. There's no way that Louis' going to sing it alone, either. They used to perform for thousands of people every night, but they've never been good at singing for small audiences, let alone their own family and friends. You'd think the intimacy would make it easier, but it's the exact opposite. 

'It's our wedding and our son's farewell ceremony. We don't have to do anything we don't want to.' Louis yawns loudly while he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. When  he lowers his hand, Harry grabs it and kisses his palm. 'Can we go over the planning again?' 

Louis sighs. 'We've gone over it a hundred times already, babe.'

'I know,' Harry whines. 'But I just want to make sure we don't forget anything.'

'Fine.' Rolling over on his back – as far as the backseat allows him to – Louis holds his hands up to count on his fingers. 'Okay, so you're going to get ready with Gemma, while I get ready with Niall. At some point your parents will come to our house with James, and around five the first guests will arrive. Then you'll make your entrance at – what is it, six?' Harry nods and Louis continues. 'I'll welcome you by taking you into my loving arms, of course,' Louis teases, causing Harry to giggle. 'We'll then have dinner, say our goodbyes to William, have a drink, renew our vows, and then it's a party. And we will certainly not get drunk because we are responsible adults and parents,' Louis finishes with a grin. 

'Well, I hope it will all be a bit more romantic and we'll not rush through it like you just did.' Harry's voice sounds sarcastic, but he's smiling from cheek to cheek,  showing off his adorable dimples .

'It will be perfect, love.' 

They start to kiss and hands start to move, but then the light in Gemma's room flashes on. Feeling like young boys caught by their parents, they giggle as they crawl off of each other and out of the car. 

'I should go back inside,' Harry whispers as if Gemma could hear him even though her window's closed.

Louis wraps his arms his around his husband and starts kissing his neck, each little piece of skin. 'Yeah, you should.'

'That really isn't fair.' A moan leaving his mouth, Harry pulls on some of Louis' hair. 'I really have to go, Lou.' 

Louis smiles against Harry's shoulder, because it sounds like he is having a harder time convincing himself than Louis. 'Then go.' His hands are now under Harry's shirt, his fingertips tracing the soft lines of his abs.

Harry's voice is whiny, like there's no willpower left, when he says, 'Stop.' 

'Then push me away.' Blue meets green as Louis pulls away a bit. Harry suddenly puts his hands on his shoulders and pushes him, his back pinned against the car, and Harry pinned to his chest. They kiss one more time, passionately and hard, and for a  moment Louis worries that his lip might show a bruise later that day. 

After what feels like only a second, Harry pulls away and starts making his way toward the house. He turns his head and smiles. 'See you soon, Lou.'

Louis smiles back, and his cheeks actually hurt from smiling and kissing. He raises his hand to wave and says, 'See you soon, Haz.'

 

'Mum, could you please stop?'

'I just want everything to be perfect for my boy!'

'I'm thirty two years old, mum,' Louis laughs. 'I haven't been your boy in ages.'

Jay raises her eyebrows. 'I'm pretty sure you like it when Harry says it.'

'That's different.' Fidgeting with the hem of his button up, Louis smiles to himself. 'Besides, putting on and taking off my shirt a hundred times isn't going to make it any more perfect.'

Louis was supposed to get ready with Niall, but his mother came over to his house to help anyway. She's spend the past thirty minutes ironing Louis' shirt – putting it on him  and then taking it off again to smooth a small crease she accidentally skipped seconds before. 

'Just let me do this,' she stresses as she lets the iron glide over the  fabric . 

Louis glances at the clock on the wall and he feels a sudden rush of haste coming over him. 'Hurry up, mum. The guests will be here in thirty minutes and you still need to get dressed.' 

She ignores the face he's making when she pulls his arm through the sleeve to see if it's finally done. 'I will be fine, Louis. I just need to –'

Louis interrupts her and he smiles softly. 'I'll ask Niall to finish with me. Go get ready.'

Shaking her head at first, she eventually takes his in her hands and kisses his  the top before walking out the door. 

Looking at himself in the mirror he pulls his arm through the other sleeve. He tries to smile and sees that it's a nervous smile, causing him to grin. Why is he so goddamn nervous?

He starts to make his way to the stairs, but stops when he sees someone standing in William's room. Didn't he close the door this morning? When he moves closer, he sees that that someone is Niall, holding the same stuffed animal that Louis and Harry hold so often.  He's already dressed for the wedding, and something about him standing there wearing a tux  while holding the purple elephant looks really, really sad. 

Niall startles when Louis puts his hand on his shoulder, and he puts the toy back in the crib as fast as he can. He tries to smile as he turns around, but there's a tear forming in the corner of his eye that he wipes away quickly. 

'Hey, Lou. Are you ready?' 

The movement almost too small to see, Louis shakes his head and he smiles back. 'You don't have to pretend.'

'Well, it's your wedding day, and –'

'And he was your godson.' Louis firmly grabs both of Niall's shoulders now, squeezing them softly with his small hands. 'This day is about him too, I'm sad anyway.'

Letting his head hang down, Niall mutters, 'Bloody hell, I haven't heard that word ever since the day he died.'

'What word?'

'Godson.' Niall raises his head just enough to glance at Louis through his eyelashes, and the look on his face is sad. 'I've been pretending like he's  just your son, because that's bad enough, but dammit, he was my godson.  Those two boys are the closest thing I have to a family. '

Smiling softly in an attempt to comfort Niall, Louis nods. 'I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell myself and Harry, because it's just enough solace to keep it bearable; you still have James.'

Niall now raises his head all the way  to bring  his eyes on the same level as Louis', and he  just  nods back. 

'What made you realize it now?'

'I just wanted to go into his room, because of the ceremony tonight, you know. I've been here since that night, but today, I allowed myself to just stand here and take it all in. It just hit me.'

Louis inhales deeply as he moves in to embrace his best friend. 'I know  the feeling, believe me.' 

They just stand there for a while, their arms wrapped around each other. With pretty much everyone else, it annoys Louis when they tell him how sad they are about William. To him, they're just complaining, because it's ten times worse for him. Since Niall was really involved in William's life for a year and a half, he thinks he understands. He's also never acted like his grief was somehow more important than Louis', like some people have. 

They didn't give much thought to making someone the twins' godparents at first, because their parents are still alive and involved. To not step on anyone's toes, Louis and Harry asked them if they were okay with Niall being the boys' godfather before making it official. Even to them it was only natural. 

And now here they are – one of their fathers and their g odfather hugging it out, sad because only one is left. Louis doesn't think anyone even considers this as a possibility when they decide to have kids. You raise your kids, you live for them and have all the fun in the world because you have them. Eventually you pass away and they live on to raise their own children. That's the circle. The only way to describe the situation they're in is unfair. 

Niall rubs Louis' back as he pulls back and says, 'We should get you ready.' He already turns to exit the room, but Louis stops him by grabbing his wrist. 

'There's something I want to talk to you before we go out there.'

'What is it?'

Louis now holds the stuffed animal close to his chest and he realizes the thing doesn't even have a name. Smiling down at it, he says, 'Haz and I have decided to have another baby.'

He takes his eyes off of the  elephant and directs his gaze at Niall, who has tears in his eyes  again that he tries to hide, but he's smiling from cheek to cheek. 'That is really great, Louis. When is this happening?'

'Well, it's quite a process we have to go through that will probably take some time, but I don't think we'll wait long to start it.'

Niall nods and watches his hand  as he puts it on the  side of the crib before looking back up at Louis. 

Laughing and shaking his head, Louis says, 'Haz really wants to have a girl.'

'Don't you?'

'I would love to have a girl,' Louis confirms. 'But you know, even in our situation you can't plan that. But we'll be happy either way. I don't want to replace William in any way, because that's impossible, but I think our family will feel more whole again, you know what I mean?'

It is then that the doorbell rings and they look at each other through wide eyes. 

'Shit,' Louis laughs while Niall takes the elephant from him and puts it back. They make their way to the door and push each other through it,  trying to go both at the same time . 

'Go get ready, Tommo. I'll try to take care of whoever that is.'

Niall runs down the stairs while Louis waits at the top of it to see who it is. His heart skips a beat when he sees that it's Gemma, hoping that Harry came with her. When she says that she dropped Harry off at her mother's, Louis can breathe again. 

Once back in his own room, Louis looks at himself in the mirror as he puts his vest on, preparing himself for whatever is to come. 


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

 

 

Twenty Four 

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

J ames welcomes his father downstairs by stretching out his  little  arms, asking him to pick him up. 'Big day, Daddy!' he cheers.

Laughing, Louis scoops him up off the floor and bounces him on his hip as he admires how adorable his boy looks in his little suit. 'It sure is, big guy. You look very handsome.'

'You too, Daddy.' James seems to be fascinated by Louis' quiff, because he rarely sees him dressed up. He usually loves to play with his hair, but today he just stares at it without touching. 

Louis grins lovingly  and says, 'Thank you very much. Hey, can you tell me where your father is?'

'He's in the kitchen!' James turns around in Louis' arms pointing towards the living room. 

S uddenly feel ing butterflies flutter in his stomach,  Louis wonders what he should do. For the past week, they've gone over every detail of the wedding, but apparently forgot to discuss this. Are they supposed to meet each other with all the guests present? Usually the couple meets at the alter, but since there is none and they're supposed to have dinner and William's ceremony first, they obviously have to meet before they renew their vows. 

He gives in to his need to see Harry, and carefully makes his way through the living room with James still sitting on his hip. 

'Oh, look at you two!' Anne squeals quickly covering her open mouth with her hand. While Harry turns around to see what she's so excited about, she adds, 'You're adorable!'

'We are handsome, Nana,' James corrects her.

Harry's face lights up at the sight of his husband and son, and he rushes around the kitchen island to hug the both of them at the same time. 'Daddy, that hurts.' James sounds a bit annoyed at the tightness of his hug,  so  he quickly pulls back a bit, rubbing James' knee.

Louis repositions  the boy on his hip and gives Harry a quick kiss. 'Hi, sweetheart.' 

'Hey, baby.' 

'Are you ready?' Louis wraps his arm around his soon-to-be-husband-again, his hand pressed against the curve of his back.

Harry's smile is a melancholic one when he says, 'I am for the fun part.'

'What's the fun part?' James leans forward a bit to grab one of Harry's curls and Louis lets go of Harry to make sure his son doesn't fall off his arm. 

'The fun part is our wedding, bud,' Harry says. 

Confusion takes over James' smile and he does his usual thinking face. 'So what's the not-fun part?'

Harry quickly looks at Louis for backup, and the latter says, 'Do you remember that we talked about not really having said goodbye to William?' James is still curling his father's hair around his little fingers, so Louis pulls his arm back and repeats the question. 'Do you remember?' Sure that he has James' full attention, Louis shrugs and says, 'Well, that's what we're going to do today.'

James nods slowly again, his little face all seriousness, and he suddenly squirms a bit in Louis' arms and stretches his  own out to Harry.  Placing the boy on his hip , Harry gives Louis an almost apologetic look. It's not Louis' fault that things are the way they are, but maybe it seems that way to James because he is the only one who has been here through all of it. Maybe Harry seems a bit more distant from the situation to him. James has barely seen him cry yet, because he's better at doing that behind closed doors than Louis. Also, Louis is the one who once upon a time couldn't be bothered to make his son  food , too sad to get out of bed or up off the couch. He was hoping James wouldn't keep such things in mind, but maybe he does. 

Deciding not to give it too much thought, Louis leans forward to kiss the top of his son's head and rub his back. Harry rests his head on his shoulder and his face against his neck, and he whispers, 'It's okay, baby,' before kissing it. 

Louis smiles at him and then looks around to see who's in the kitchen apart from them and Anne. He finds his own mother and some of his sisters, but that's it. 'Are the other guests here yet?'

'I think some are already on the beach, want to check it out?'

Louis places his hand on the small of Harry's back again as he guides him and James to the backdoor and eventually the porch. Niall, Liam and Zayn are already on the beach along with some guests, and they cheer loudly as they see the little family emerge from the house. Louis guesses they look cool in their matching beige suits.

'Uncle Niall!' James yells enthusiastically, like he hasn't seen him in ages. 'Daddy, put me down, please.' He squirms a bit in Harry's arms until his little dress shoes touch the wooden floor and they run down the stairs.

His arms now free, Harry wraps one around his man's shoulders, and their lips lock shortly.

'Wait, is that Sophia?'

Louis looks in the direction Harry's pointing and he spots a young brunette in a tight black dress, carrying a little girl James' age. 'Yeah, that's her. That must be Melissa, then.'

'I didn't expect her to come, did you?'

Louis shrugs. 'Who knows what's going on between those two. Come on, let's go say hi.'

With their hands locked, the wedding pair makes their way down the stairs, taking in the sight as they do so. The part of the beach in front of their house is enclosed with torches stuck in the sand. There are two long tables aligned with each other in the middle, all set for dinner and covered in candles ready to be lit as soon as the sun decides to call it a day.  Gemma was smart enough to get them lots of wooden pallets  that are put down as an improvised floor, so the tables and chairs can't sink in the sand. After they have dinner, the catering company will take the long tables away, leaving smaller round ones in the sand, and the pallets will serve as a dance floor. It was all Gemma's idea, and Harry was so proud of his sister when she told him what she had in mind. 

As they walk over to where their friends are cuddling James, Harry welcomes some family members he comes across, and tells them they can sit down at the tables if they want to. Everyone has their own name card, with – of course – a little anchor drawn on it. They specifically decided to mix their families up, and since pretty much everyone knows each other already, that shouldn't be a problem.

'You've made it,' Louis says as he embraces Liam. He hasn't seen him since he went back to England to work things out with his wife,  and he's happy to have him back.

'Of course I've made it. Wouldn't miss your second wedding for the world,' Liam teases as he answers Louis' hug. 

'Dickhead.'  Letting go of him, Louis turns his body in the opposite direction. 'I see Sophia's here. Did you guys work it out?'

Liam shrugs. 'It's going to take more time than this, of course, but so far so good. It's weird, like my absence made everything better, even though I was only gone for a couple of weeks. I mean, she picked me up from the airport and hugged me for the first time since... I can't even remember when she last hugged  me before that.'

Louis nods understandingly. It's a whole different situation, but he's still surprised by how close Harry and him have been since he woke up, so he kind of gets it. 

'Well, I'm glad,' he says as he pats Liam on the back. 'I'm just going to say hi to her.'

As he walks away to do exactly that, he feels some sand falling into his dress shoes, and he asks himself why they decided to have the wedding on the beach. But then again, if a bit of sand in his shoes is the worst part of the day, it's not that bad, is it? 

'Hi, Sophia.' He smiles softly  as he puts his hand on her shoulder. 

Her face is happy, but kind of embarrassed and surprised as she turns around, almost as if she didn't expect to see him there even though it's his own wedding. 'Hi, Louis.'

She puts Melissa on the ground, and Louis shortly rubs  the girl's head before she runs off  to her father , her long brown hair flowing behind her in the wind. 

'Thank you for having us,' Sophia says, her voice as sincere as possible. 

Louis shrugs as he sticks his hands in his pockets. 'No problem. Thank you for coming, it means a lot to Liam.'  She just nods to the ground, so he adds, 'It's been quite some time.'

Looking up, she smiles again. 'I actually asked Liam and I guess  we've last seen each other at your first wedding,  s o, five years?'

Kicking some sand back and forth between his feet, Louis simply nods. He doesn't get why this is so awkward, but it is, like there are things unspoken hanging in the air, ready to be said. She's right, they haven't seen each other in five years, and even before that, they barely ever spoke to each other. It's not like he doesn't like her, at all, they've just never had much to talk about. Back in the day whenever they saw each other, they just talked about the band, upcoming tours and such. 

'Louis, I'm sorry for what happened to you and Harry, I really am.' She puts her hand on Louis' lower arm and he just watches it lie there. 'I'm also sorry that Liam and I never reached out to you. I guess we're all just so caught up in our own lives these days that –'

'It's fine,' Louis cuts her off. 'I've gone over this with Liam, and you don't really owe me anything, so. I'm just going to go back now, okay?' He feels her hand slip off his arm as he walks away. It's not that he's annoyed by her, he just doesn't need this right now. He's preparing himself for what he's going to say at William's little ceremony, and he doesn't need anyone's pity while doing it, certainly not someone's who's never really been relevant to his life.

'Are you okay?' Harry frowns when Louis slips his arm around his waist and pulls him in close, softly kissing his jaw from behind. 

'Yeah, I'm fine,' Louis replies as he closes his eyes and stands even closer to Harry, resting his chin on his shoulder. 

It's not until one of his uncles greats him  that he opens his eyes , but he keeps his arm around Harry. After making small talk with some more family members for a while, one of the caterers comes over to tell the wedding pair that dinner's ready to be served. They tell her they'll take their seats shortly, and look each other in the eye exhaling sharply at the same time. It's as if a million words are spoken between them without even a sound being made. Words of solace, words of encouragement – basically words of love. 

 

'Dearly beloved,' Louis says standing up after they finish dinner. It's more of a joke than a serious remark, and he's relieved to hear people laughing. James looks up at him from Harry's lap, and Louis smiles once more, endeared by how adorable their son looks in his suit. He turns back  to their family and friends sitting at the tables,  and says, 'As you all know, tonight is a night of both joy and grief. I just want to welcome you all and thank you for joining us on such a special  evening .' He clears his throat and is worried that he's already going to start tearing up, so he's glad when he feels Harry take his hand in his. 'I'll now say something about both the ceremony we've organized for William, as well as mine and Harry's wedding – or well, the renewal of our vows. Since it is too emotional for either of us to speak during the actual ceremony, our dear friend Niall,' He looks to his right and winks at the Irishman. 'has taken on the very hard job instead.  So ehm...'

Dammit, Louis has prepared this speech so many times, and now  that he's standign here,  he has no idea what to say. A little desperate, he looks down at his left, and Harry smiles up at him nodding slightly, encouraging him to go on. He takes a sip of his water before he does so. 

'I'm sorry, this is harder than I thought it would be. It's been a little over three years since we welcomed our lovely boys, William and James, into the world, and it's a day we will never forget. I will also never forget the day when their birth mother told us she wasn't having just one little rascal.' He smiles at the memory. ''Twins?' Harry asked me over and over again, and I too couldn't contain my excitement. We actually didn't quite believe it until we got to hold them in our arms for the first time. I can still see us standing there in the hospital – James in Harry's arms, William in mine.' He stops to pinch at the bridge of his nose  in an attempt to keep in his tears,  and shakes his head . Harry  quickly  gets up from his seat  to hug him , handing James over to his mother, and Louis notices that he is crying too. 

'No, Daddy, don't cry!' James cries from his spot on his grandma's lap, and he squirms out of her grasp. Begging for his father's attention, he clings to Louis' leg, and he finally gets him to pick him up. 

Louis hug s his son and husband tightly before Harry sits back down  again, never letting go of Louis' hand  but taking James from him .  Harry cradles the little boy against his chest to sooth him, and motions to Louis that he can continue.

W hen Louis turns back to his audience, he sees that almost everyone is wiping away tears at this point –  some have even taken out tissues . He inhales deeply making sure he can  speak , wondering if he's going to make it through his entire speech without ending up sobbing uncontrollably.

'We had wonderful years together, we really did. That  fateful night on this exact beach  half a year ago  tore my world apart. Not only did I lose one of my sons, but I wasn't sure if I would ever get to hold my dear husband again, whom I love so incredibly much.' He stops talking again and lets out a sob at the memory of feeling so lost, so unsure of everything he'd ever known.  Turning to Harry, he tries to continue speaking in between sobs.  Maybe it's easier to talk directly to him.

'I am so grateful and happy that I at least still have you, even though such a big part of our family is gone. Thank you for coming back to me, and making me appreciate life a little more again, because I had honestly lost all faith.' He smiles softly when Harry kisses the back of his hand, wet ting it with his tears. 'I have wondered if this was the right thing to do – combi ni ng Will's ceremony and our wedding, I mean – and I've come to the conclusion that it's  actually the perfect thing to do. See, this ceremony isn't just for William, it's for everything that happened that night, and it's for closure. We will never forget William, nor what happened, but maybe we can now somehow leave it behind us, and start the next chapter of our life and marriage. 

'Since I've already thanked Harry – even though I could never thank him enough – I now want to thank everyone who's been here for us. Our families,  our parents , but mostly Niall. Ever since he moved here two years ago, he's been a vital part of our little family, and even more so after William passed away. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for him. Not only did he not mind staying up with me night after night just to hear me cry and complain – whether in person or over the phone, but he was also always here for James when I couldn't be.' 

He looks to his left to see that James is back on Harry's lap. Taking his hand out of Harry's, he places it on James' little head and  smiles at him. 

'Which brings me to our wonderful son, our sunshine.  It's all been very confusing for you and I know how happy you are to have your daddy back. Sadly, I also know that I have not always treated you right through all of this, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that someday you'll understand why. You are very excited to be the ring bearer tonight,' That causes a cheer from the crowd. 'and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love you, buddy.' 

Ending his speech, he crouches down next to Harry and takes James into his arms while Harry wraps his around the both of them, sobbing onto Louis' shoulder. 

'That was beautiful, baby,' he whispers in Louis' ear. 

'I was a complete mess.' 

At the touch of a hand on his shoulder, Louis turns around as he stands up to find that it's Niall. Embracing each other the latter says, 'Thank you, Lou. I love you.'

'I love you too, man.'

Pulling back a bit, Niall sighs, 'And I still have to give my speech, thanks. 

Louis laughs weakly. 'You can't do much worse than I just did.'

Their little talk is interrupted by Gemma, who places her hand on Niall's back. She gives him an apologetic look as she says, 'Sorry, Ni, but I think it's best if we just get this part over with since everyone is sad now. I have William's urn here. Do you want to have it with you while you give your speech, or should I put it down somewhere?'

Taken back a bit, Niall just nods processing what she just said. 'Just put it on a table near me, thank you.'

Louis hugs him again and says, 'You can do this, mate. And if not, just apologize and everyone will understand.' It's almost funny how Louis  is giving him advice now, considering he was the one sobbing embarrassingly only minutes ago.  At the same time, maybe that's why he will take it, because it's always better to receive advice from someone who can relate. 

Slowly walking towards the spot where  he will be giving his speech,  Niall finishes his glass of water. William's urn is right in front him, and there's a white sheet hanging from the porch behind him where they'll be showing pictures of William after he finishes. 

Niall waits until everyone is seated again, and then clears is throat multiple times looking at Louis who gives him the thumbs up. 

'Hi, everybody,' Niall starts. 'First of all, I'd like to thank Louis for his kind words. Now to start my own, l et me just warn you; I probably won't make it through my speech without crying, so please excuse me for that. The thing is... I think that apart from Louis and Harry, I'm the person who's spend the most time with William. I used to babysit the twins whenever Louis and Harry wanted to do something by themselves, and I love those two little boys more than anything. I think the Uncle Niall they 've created in their minds is a way better person than who I really am, but if I'm only half of who they think or thought I am, I guess I'm not so bad. 

' I remember the night of the fire like it was yesterday. I wasn't there, obviously, but I remember Louis calling me, and feeling like the world was coming to an end. At first I couldn't even make out what he was trying to say, but I knew it was bad and I knew that it was either about Harry or the boys,  because he wouldn't be sobbing as much if it wasn't . When it turned out to be about both I just...

' I've known Louis and Harry for fourteen years now, and they honestly feel like brothers to me. We've experienced something together that not many people understand, but it's more about what happened after that. No one would have ever thought I would leave Ireland, but after my parents passed away and my brother left, I was lost, I guess. As you probably all know, I don't have a girlfriend, or a wife, or children –  i t's just me. I moved out here to look for some kind of family, and they have given me exactly that. They have included me in their lives from day one and also in that of their sons, and for that I am forever grateful. 

' So Harry, you can't imagine how I felt when Louis told me about  what happened to  you. I want to take this opportunity to let you know how incredibly thankful I am to have you still sitting here in front of me. I don't think I have the heart to talk about William any more, so I'd like to leave it at this. All I want to say is that William, buddy, I love you and I miss you dearly. Thank you for the memories. '

He raises his glass of wine wiping away a single tear, and accepts Louis and Harry's hug as they get up from their seats and walk over to him.  The two of them sit back down after Liam and Zayn hug them shortly, preparing to sing their song. 

As soon as the music starts playing, pictures of William are projected onto the white sheet hanging from the porch. Louis and Harry watch them together – James sitting on Louis' lap, and Harry's arm wrapped around Louis' shoulder. The pictures are being shown in the order in which they were taken, creating a sort of time line of William's short life. Some cause people to cry – pictures of not even special but beautiful moments William has shared with his parents and brother, such as playing in the woods or on the beach – and some cause people to laugh – pictures of Louis dressed up as Santa Clause and chasing his sons around the house, for example. 

Harry gently kisses Louis' temple as a tear rolls down from the corner of his eye, and Louis turns his head to make his lips meet Harry's. Lost in the moment, they give each other a few short kisses before they press their foreheads together. Really all they need right now is to feel each other, just to know they're there. 

They get up when people start walking over to them to give them their condolences.  Louis takes his time talking to his mum and her husband. She cries against his shoulder and keeps telling him how beautiful his words were. Eventually she manages to dry her tears and lets him go, just to start crying again the second she sees Harry. 

After shaking everybody's hand, accepting hugs, and saying thank you's, Harry raises  his hand to get everybody's attention and says, 'Sorry we have put you all through this agony, but the rest of the night will be fun, we promise.'


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

 

 

Twenty Five

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

'Well, the hard part is done. Now all we have to do is get married, which should be easy considering we've already done that once.'

Louis and Harry are sitting on their bed, and Louis watches as their hands intertwine. They just had to get away from all the people for a while and decided their bedroom would be the safest. A couple of people have asked if they could see William's room, and Niall's giving them the tour while the wedding couple relaxes.

'Oh Louis Styles, how easy you make it sound,' Harry says as he kicks off his dress shoes to lie down on the covers.

Louis follows his example and cuddles up to his side. 'What, you don't think marrying me was the easiest thing you've ever done?'

'I think _being_ married to you is the easiest thing I've ever done, the getting part is a whole different story. I don't like being out there in front of all those people.'

They have to cuddle carefully and make sure they do not mess up their suits or hairdo's, so Louis cautiously places the side of his head on Harry's shoulder.

'You used to perform for about 60.000 people daily and now you can't even speak in front of a couple dozen? What in the hell ever happened to the famous Mister Harry Styles?'

Harry giggles at that and softly pinches Louis' arm. 'You used to be right up there with me, and you didn't look so confident giving your speech about an hour ago.'

Louis giggles too and they just lay there staring at the ceiling for a while. The sun is almost gone by now, and there's only a stripe of light left in the room, making the vibe serene.

'You don't think we could go for a quick shag, do you?' Louis whispers with a huge grin on his face.

'It's our wedding day, we can do whatever we want.'

Louis shifts a bit to look up at Harry from his spot on his shoulder. 'You want to?'

Looking down, Harry's eyes sparkle and he bites his lip as he nods. He reminds Louis of a schoolboy agreeing to do something he shouldn't, and it only makes him love him more.

'We should probably take our clothes of ourselves, can't show up downstairs looking freshly fucked.'

They wiggle off of the bed and do as Louis suggested. He doesn't know why, but he suddenly feels very naked, standing there in the middle of the room with nothing but his black briefs on. Nervously covering his bulge with his hand he giggles again and makes his way back to the bed.

'They will be able to tell by our hair, though,' Harry laughs as he sits down too.

'Not if we do it sitting up.' Louis starts crawling over to where his husband is sitting on the edge and swings one leg over his.

Harry watches him do so and eventually smiles up at him. 'You have the best ideas these days.'

Louis rocks his hips back and forth a couple of times, riding Harry to make sure he's hard, but he really doesn't have to. Eventually he moves his briefs down just far enough to be able to open himself up, and Harry watches his every move. On one hand that makes him nervous, but on the other it turns him on. It's kind of like the time they watched each other masturbate. Louis had never felt so exposed, but knowing that it turned his man on did the same for him.

'Ready?' Louis asks under his breath as he pulls Harry's briefs down too, just far enough to take his boner out. When Harry nods with his mouth half open, Louis slides him in and he whimpers softly.

The rest of it is pure cuteness, a little clumsy even – Harry can't stop laughing after Louis almost falls off his lap and he has to catch him, Louis rips his underwear because he can't move properly, and eventually they have to cover each other's mouth as they moan and groan, giggling at the thought of Niall and their guests being next door.

'If we had recorded it, it would've been the worst porno ever made,' Harry says, still not able to stop laughing. 'You fell off my lap, for Christ's sake!'

'Almost,' Louis corrects him, but he can't stop laughing either. 'And those were my favorite briefs, fuck. I can't seem to think straight with you inside me.'

'Well, get off me then.' Harry playfully slaps his bum. 'We should head back, anyway.'

 

They don't let go of each other's hand until their back outside, and even then Louis doesn't really want to. With longing eyes he watches Harry walk off to talk to some guests until he feels someone pat his back. He turns around to see who it is, and smiles when he sees that it's his mother.

The second she sees his face, hers turns into a large grin. 'Did you two just...?'

'Oh my God, Mum, don't.'

'No really, did you?' She laughs as if it's hilarious and grabs his shoulders. 'You couldn't wait until the wedding night, could you?'

Louis tries his hardest to keep a straight face, but a small laugh escapes his mouth. 'Mum, seriously, stop it.'

'How often do you –'

'Mum, I'm not having this conversation with you!'

'Why not? You think your old mother doesn't notice when you do the dance with no pants?'

'The dance with no pants, really Mum?' Louis rubs his hand down his face laughing. 'You really are old.'

'Okay okay, I'll let you off the hook. How are you feeling?'

'To be honest, horny.'

'Louis!' Her jaw drops.

He shrugs and laughs. 'You asked how I feel, that's how I feel.'

Shaking her head, Jay says, 'Okay, let's try again. How do you think the night's going so far?'

'It's going good.' He smiles softly. 'Giving my speech obviously wasn't easy, but apart from that I'd say it's been beautiful. Hey, do you happen to know where my very adorable son is?'

'Last time I saw him he was playing on the beach with Zayn.'

Louis' eyes move over the sand until he finds them, and he excuses himself to his mother before he starts making his way toward them. The evening air is turning a bit chilly, and he hopes that everyone will be able to keep themselves warm the entire night. They stacked some heaters in their garage, and he figures they should pull them out soon. Moving them down the porch stairs will be a bitch, but they'll simply have to.

As soon as Zayn spots him, he exposes the exact same grin Jay did just minutes ago, and Louis rolls his eyes. 'Is it really that obvious?'

Zayn laughs while he hands a sea shell to James who eagerly takes it. 'I practically lived with you and Harry for years, so yes, to me it is.'

'Great.'

Louis crouches down and opens his arms, watching James waddle towards him. He circles his arms around him and kisses the top of his head.

'Hi, Daddy.' He uses the voice he always does when he tries to hide that he's tired, and Louis ignores it. He won't take him away from the party, knowing it would only cause him to protest by crying loud enough to keep the whole neighborhood up.

'Hey, Jimmy Jam.' He notices that James crosses his legs as he stands between his father's and asks, 'Do you have to go potty?'

'Yes,' he replies in a whiny voice and he starts jumping up and down, barely able to keep it in.

Zayn moves his hand through his hair and keeps it at the top of his head. 'I'm sorry, Lou, I didn't notice.'

'Oh, he probably didn't even act like it until I got here. I'll have to take him from you now, sorry.' He takes James into his arms as he stands up and smiles at Zayn before walking back to the house.

'Are you enjoying the night, buddy?' Louis asks in an attempt to distract his son from his full bladder.

'Yes,' is all James says and Louis knows that he's close to giving in, so he speeds up his pace.

'Sorry people, kid on the verge of peeing coming through,' Louis shouts as he makes his way through the crowd, but it's too late. He feels his hand and stomach getting wet under James as the boy starts to sob into his neck.

'Sorry, Daddy,' he cries.

Louis pulls him in closer, not really caring about his button up being ruined right now, and he rubs his boy's back while he hushes in his ear. 'It's okay, baby, we'll get you dry clothes.'

Harry is suddenly by their side and presses his hand against the small of Louis' back as they walk inside the house. 'Is he okay?'

'He's fine, he just weed his pants.'

Handing James over to Harry, Louis takes in the damage done to his shirt to find a huge yellow stain covering most of it.

'That's no reason for your tears, sweetie.' Harry presses his lips in James' hair. 'Your daddies are going to get you a new outfit, it's no problem.'

'But then I won't look like you,' James sobs referring to their matching suits and Louis' heart aches.

'I'm going to get a new outfit too, Jame, so we'll find something matching,' he says.

'Mine is probably ruined by now too,' Harry chimes in. 'So I'll join your matching party, how's that sound?'

James seems to feel a bit better by the time Harry starts to undress him to give him a quick bath while Louis gets the three of them new outfits. He decides to go for the black suits with white shirts they once wore to an event and brings them to the bathroom where he starts to undress himself as well. He quickly washes his stomach and gets dressed again before he takes over on bathing James so that Harry can do the same.

Rubbing his eyes with the back of his fists James yawns. Louis gently moves a sponge between the boy's short legs and asks, 'Are you tired, Jim?'

James nods cautiously. 'I don't want to go to bed, though.'

'You don't have to.' Louis smiles tenderly. 'You can party with us. But tell one of your daddies when you have to potty again or get too tired, okay? Can you promise me that?'

'Yes, Daddy.' James smiles back and stretches out his arms for Louis to pick him up, who mentally pats himself on the back for keeping the boy's curls dry.

He takes James out of the water and puts him on a towel, holding out another one to dry him off. When he's finished, he quickly puts him in his new suit and dress shoes.

'Look at you!' Harry smiles as he squats down to James' eye level. 'You look like a gentleman. This suit is so much cooler than the other one.' He pulls a face as if the one he wore before is ugly, and that gets a giggle out of him.

'Silly daddy,' James laughs shaking his head.

Louis softly massages Harry's shoulders from behind and laughs too. 'You're both silly. Ready to go downstairs, boys?'

Standing up and taking his son's hand in his, Harry whispers in his ear, 'Boys?'

'Yeah, you're a very sexy boy.' Louis winks as he pinches Harry's bum before they make their way down the stairs.

 

'Sorry everyone, we had a little accident,' Louis says as he looks out over the crowd on the beach with Harry and James on either side of him.

Gemma is suddenly behind them and says, 'Well, it's good that you're back, because it's time for you to renew your vows.'

When Louis turns around, she smiles lovingly, and he sighs deeply to keep calm. Clearing his throat he takes Harry's hand in his own. 'Let's do this, babe.'

Everyone claps and cheers as they make their way over to where they're supposed to be, and Louis smiles to himself. They leave James with their parents and kiss him one last time before they proceed their way to meet the officiant. The scenery is lit by all the burning torches sticking out of the sand, making it look almost mysterious. All the guests sit back down in their seats and their eyes are filled with anticipation as they watch Louis and Harry stand in their place.

The officiant breaks the ice by making the usual jokes, and they work because everyone laughs – Louis and Harry a bit more nervously than the others. When Louis takes in the crowd, he sees that James is settled on Niall's lap, resting against his chest trying his hardest to keep his eyes open. Louis smiles at them and then turns back to Harry – God, he's beautiful.

They might be wearing the same type of suit, but Louis is sure that Harry looks ten times better in it than he does, there's no doubt. He's put his hair up in a neat bun while Louis was bathing James, and Louis wonders for a second if he's ever looked this hot – but then again he asks himself that pretty much every time he sees him. Harry's cheeks are flushed in the most adorable way and Louis wishes he could kiss both of them, but his thoughts are interrupted by the officiant.

'Louis?'

'I'm sorry, what?'

The crowd laughs and Harry grins at him. God, this is embarrassing.

'It's time to read your vows,' the officiant says.

'Oh, right.'

He blushes as he takes the paper out of the pocket of his jacket, and he takes his time to unfold it in an attempt to clear his mind. 'Don't screw this up, Tommo,' he thinks to himself.

Looking up at Harry first, he finally directs his gaze back at the piece of paper in his hands and starts to read.

'Once upon a time there was a _little boy_ who always wanted to love another _little boy_. One day he finally found that love and it was wonderful.' He looks up at Harry and smiles. 'I heard that once and at first it reminded me of us. Part of it's true; I was a little boy who was looking, but I was looking for my place in the world and maybe even for a girlfriend, because that was the way it was supposed to be. The first time I met you, I found it. You may not have been a girlfriend, but you are my place in the world.

'Traditional vows say 'as long as we both shall live', but for a few minutes I thought that maybe you weren't alive anymore, and I realized that our love is much stronger than life. I therefore vow to have and to hold you, in tears and in laughter, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward in this life and the next.'

'Is it really bad if I kiss him?' Harry suddenly asks the officiant, who laughs and shakes his head.

'Since you're already married, I guess not.'

Harry couldn't have done it quicker if he wanted to, and Louis almost falls over when he presses his lips against his and locks his arms around him. The crowd goes crazy and Louis laughs into the kiss.

'We have an audience, sweetheart.'

'I don't care, kiss me,' Harry says under his breathe and Louis does as he asks. They kiss for a few seconds, wrestling their tongues and laughing at the same time, before the officiant stops them.

'Maybe we should proceed,' he laughs, and Louis and Harry give each other a quick kiss before they tidy their suits and stand back in their places.

'Harry, the floor's yours.'

He doesn't take as long as Louis did to prepare himself, but simply takes his hand in his and starts speaking while his eyes never leave Louis'.

'My dearest Lou, I want to apologize for having left you, even though it was not by choice, and to thank you for never having done the same to me. You have stuck by me through the good and the bad, and I hereby promise you I'll do the same from this day forward.

'I vow to be your voice when you can't speak, your eyes when you can't see, and your ears when you can't hear. I vow to be your legs when you can't walk, your arms when you can't hold, and above all, I vow to be your strength when you are weak. I love you.'

Louis smiles with watery eyes as he leans forward to give Harry another quick kiss, and the rest of the ceremony goes by in a flash to him. Maybe he should be paying attention to whatever the officiant is rambling on about, but all his senses are pointed to Harry. They keep staring at each other, and Louis is lost in his green eyes, the way his curls circle his face – everything about him. It's not until Harry squeezes his hand a little that he sees James making his way down the aisle.

He waddles slowly, his legs tired and his face shy, and Harry crouches down opening his arms, telling him it's alright. James smiles at him and speeds up his pace, making his way into his father's arms as fast as he can without tripping over his own little feet.

The guests let out a synchronized 'aww' as James hands the rings over to Louis and jumps into Harry's arms.

'Good job, bud,' Louis whispers as he gives him a quick kiss, and James looks quite pleased with himself.

When the ceremony is finally coming to its end – Louis just wants to get the party started, to be honest – they put the rings back on each other's hands. Louis looks down at his and he feels whole again, not naked and incomplete like he did the past few days.

When the officiant tells them they can 'each kiss the groom', they happily obey to him with James still sitting on Harry's hip, who playfully pats Louis' cheek.

'Ready to party, big boy?' Harry asks James when he manages to remove his lips from Louis', and the boy nods eagerly.

They make their way through the crowd, shaking hands and accepting congratulations, until they reach the bar and Gemma pops up beside them. She hands both of them a glass of champagne and has a very satisfied look on her face.

'What are you smirking about?' Louis asks suspiciously.

'You didn't check your rings, did you?' she asks back, and when Louis and Harry look at each other, a little confused, she says, 'Oh come on, do it!'

After Harry puts James down and he runs off, they both take off their rings and tilt them in every direction to look for any differences. Louis smiles when he finally sees it – opposite the little text engraved on the inside, there are now two letters: _J &W_. He looks up at Harry to see if he's found them yet, and judging by the tears in his eyes, he guesses he has.

'It's beautiful, Gem, thank you,' Harry says before kissing her cheek.

She smiles and shrugs. 'Consider it my wedding gift. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get myself embarrassingly drunk now.'

'Thanks, Gem,' Louis says with a kind smile. 'But please stay away from Niall, because he's planning to do them same and we do not need a repeat of our last wedding.'

She laughs at the memory and shakes her head. 'Sorry about that, again. I'll just find someone else this time, or at least another bedroom than yours.' She winks and then runs off to one of Louis' sisters.

'Or another house!' Harry yells after her.

They move in to kiss each other, but stop when they feel a hand on their shoulders. When Louis turns around, he sees that it's Liam and he smiles broadly. 'Hi Li, how's the night going for you?'

'Great,' Liam smiles back. 'Could you two come with me for a second? There's something we'd like to tell you.'

'We?' Harry asks.

'Me and the mates.'

Not sure of what to expect, they follow Liam to one of the fire pits a couple of meters away from the dance floor, to find Niall and Zayn already there. They are sitting on foldable chairs and motion Louis and Harry to do the same.

Instead of each getting a chair of their own, Louis sits down on Harry's lap with his arm wrapped around his neck, and Harry pulls him in close.

'So, what's this about?' Louis asks.

'Straight at it, huh?' Niall laughs.

'Well, we reckon Liam didn't drag us out here for nothing,' Harry says. 'Come on, tell us, what is it?'

Liam laughs and takes a sip of his champagne before opening his mouth to speak. 'Sophia and I are getting a house here.'

'Wait, what?' Louis asks with big eyes.

'And I'm moving in with Niall,' Zayn adds, and Louis feels like he's going to fall off Harry's lap – again, goddammit.

'Again, what?' he says.

'Are you for real?' Harry asks in the same amount of disbelieve as Louis.

Liam claps his hands laughing. 'Love your reactions. But yeah, for real. Remember how Sophia said that I wasn't the man she fell in love with anymore? Well, ever since I've been spending some time with you lot, she's seen him again. I've just really missed our time together and I didn't realize it until I was here. It sounds really cheesy but I guess you guys complete me.'

'That does sound really cheesy,' is all Louis manages as a response. 'What about you, Zayn?'

Zayn shrugs. 'Perrie's still gone, and even when she gets back I have no idea what I'm going to do. So Niall and I figured we'd rather be clueless together.' He high fives the Irishman sitting at his left.

'This is pretty amazing,' Harry says.

They all get up from their seats to hug one another, and it soon turns into romping – pushing each other over, climbing on top of each other, all of it. After a while they just lay on their backs in the sand, laughing up at the stars.

Louis rolls on his side to cuddle up to Harry, who kisses the top of his head, and he says, 'I guess we finally get to make up for the lost years.'


	26. Epilogue

 

 

Epilogue

 

**· · · · ֍ · · · ·**

 

 

As he walks in through the back door, Louis catches James looking up at the pictures standing on the mantelpiece. There are four of them in total, and Louis doesn't even have to guess which one his son is looking at.

Walking up to him he asks, 'Hey man, what are you doing?'

'Just looking at William, thinking,' he replies.

James is turning eight today, so naturally, William would be too. It's days like these that hit James the hardest. So far he's spent every birthday party being sad and looking at pictures of his twin brother. The part where he gets to open his presents excites him, of course, but for the rest of the day Louis and Harry balance between trying to make him feel better and leaving him alone, but the only person he really talks to at times like these is Niall.

Louis stands by his side and looks at the picture as well, sticking his hands in the pockets of his jeans. 'Yeah? What are you thinking?'

James shrugs. 'I was wondering what he would have looked like – if he had been alive today, I mean.'

'He would have looked just like you.' Louis smiles at him, but James keeps his gaze fixed on the black and white portrait in front of him.

For a while there's nothing but silence apart from the sound of chatter coming from outside, until James speaks again. He looks up at his father and asks, 'Do you miss him?'

'Every day.' Louis smiles down at him again. 'But we have you, and your brother and sister – who is waiting for you to come play with her, by the way.'

James nods. 'I'll go find her.'

Ruffling James' curls as he walks by, Louis turns on his heel to start his way to the kitchen where he finds Harry. He kisses his cheek, and Harry asks, 'Are you okay, sweetheart? The party's outside, you know.'

'I know, I was just checking up on our eldest son.' Louis grabs a glass of wine and sits down on one of the stools to look at the baby in Harry's arms. 'Feeding him again?'

Harry nods as he wipes something off the baby's chin. 'Little Edward eats a lot!' He tickles his tummy and the two month old smiles up at him. 'Is everything alright with him?' he asks directing the conversation back to James.

'Yeah he's fine,' Louis says. 'I guess he just misses William. It's amazing, considering he probably barely remembers him. They were so young.'

'He probably just misses the idea of him. You know, like kids who lose a parent at a young age.'

'Thank God that didn't happen,' Louis says and takes a sip of his wine.

'Do you think we did the right thing, though?' Harry looks up as he walks over to the fridge to put the rest of Edward's milk away. 'Recreating his room in a house he's never been.'

'You keep asking me that and my answer is still that I think we did.' Louis shrugs. 'We couldn't just throw everything away and we have the room to keep it, so why not? We don't have to visit his room often, it's just nice that it's there.'

Harry walks around the kitchen island to where Louis is sitting and gives him a quick kiss. 'I guess you're right.'

Getting up from his stool, Louis takes the baby in his one arm and circles the other around Harry's waist as he directs him to the back yard. They take in the sight and smile to themselves.

 

There's a huge terrace, followed by a piece of grass the size of a football field surrounded by lots of trees. Behind them is a lake that they like to visit, but it can't be seen from their plantation. They bought the estate four years ago when they found out they were having Anna. There wasn't enough room for two children in the beach house considering they wanted to keep William's room intact, and even back then they were pretty sure they'd have a fourth child as well.

So, they bought an old plantation up in North Carolina and had it completely renovated, but they kept its original features – porches and balconies all around, and huge pillars at the front and back. It's quite big and there are enough rooms that they barely use and therefore classify as guest rooms. Their siblings and parents stay over quite a lot, so it's perfect for them, but there are still rooms that have never been used.

It's wasn't actually them that came up with the idea to move out here. After living in Los Angeles for a year, Liam and Sophia realized that the city of angels is not where they want their daughter Melissa, and now son Logan, to be raised, so they decided to move – preferably to North or South Carolina because Sophia had this romanticized picture of it in her mind from all the movies that take place there. Louis and Harry spent so much time looking for a property with them, that they eventually found her to be right and fell in love with the house they now call their home. Of course they couldn't leave Niall and Zayn behind – who still lived together after Zayn and Perrie broke up – and they didn't make any decisions without consulting them first. It took them about five seconds to decide to make the move with them, and they lived a block away for a little over a year. Eventually, Zayn got back together with Perrie, but he refused to move back to London because he'd made a family here with his friends, so it was North Carolina or nothing. After flying back and forth for a couple of months, she gave in and bought a house with him, leaving Niall alone once again.

It wasn't short after that Niall met a girl called Julianne at the local bar, and fell madly in love with her. She's perfect for him – they're equally down to earth but still caring, and she happens to be Irish and cherish a huge love for pints, which is a big deal for a guy like Niall. They live only three houses away from Louis and Harry now.

 

Now here they are, looking out at their children playing and their families mingling, with their newborn baby sleeping against Louis' chest. Their daughter, Anna, turned out to be exactly as Harry had hoped she would be – a female, miniature version of Louis. They watch her kicking a football towards Logan while James tries to keep their dog from chasing it, and her straight brown hair is pulled back into a ponytail. Harry tried his best to get her to wear dresses, but that's not her style. Jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers – that's the kind of gal she is. And sometimes she wears cowboy type of boots, but that's basically the only thing she copies off Harry. They can't see her bright blue eyes from this distance, but they know that they're filled with joy and drive as she runs after the ball, trying not to trip over her own feet.

Louis looks up to his side to find Harry already looking down at him and he smiles, wondering for the millionth time what he ever did in his previous life to deserve a family like this.

Harry holds his chin as he kisses his lips softly and then whispers, 'It's a good life, Tommo.'

'Yes, it is.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's officially over :'( On one hand it makes me really happy because I've actually never finished a story, always written a chapters and then got distracted, but on the other it makes me really sad because I just really love the story and the characters. I might write a sequal about James one day, but I'm not sure yet. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone who's read it and commented, it means the world to me, really does! <3 I hope that it's a satisfying ending for everyone, because I thought Louis and Harry deserve the most happy ending after all I put them through.
> 
> I'm currently rewriting the whole thing - correcting typos, rebuilding sentences, adding things, all of it, and so far I've already added around 10.000 words. I'll reupload the whole story when it's finished, and then I'll move on to the next! I already have an idea and will be about Louis and Harry again - also from Louis' perspective 'cause for some reason I just can't write from Harry's, probably because I identify more with who I think Louis is - but it will be a crime story. I won't say what it's about exactly, but it should be pretty thrilling. 
> 
> So if you liked this fic and you like my writing, please keep an eye out for the renewed version and my next fix! You could follow me on Twitter (@loubou28) if you want to stay up to date, and otherwise you'll see it here. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading, and I would love if people would contact me so that we can talk about this fic because so far no one I actually know has been allowed to read it yet, and I'm dying to discuss some things! 
> 
> Love, Jolijn X
> 
> Ps. The books and movies I took quotes from or that I mention one of the characters reading or watching are:  
> The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (Harry's first wedding vows)  
> The Vow (Harry's little speech at the hospital, just one sentence)  
> The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton (the 'stay gold' part)  
> The Normal Heart (the poem about the little boy Louis quotes in his second wedding vows)


	27. Chapter 27

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THIS FANFIC HAS BEEN REWRITTEN, YOU CAN FIND THE NEW VERSION HERE: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/2954135/chapters/6529949>  
  
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